—
Currently, I am a member of two men’s groups. One I have been in since 2002. We meet every other week, take summers off, and share a commitment to walk with each other through the shadows and sunlight of our lives. The second is a therapy group that I co-facilitate with my friend Michael. That group has been around since 2012.
I have been in and out of at least four other men’s’ groups in my life since 1996. Some ended badly, some mysteriously, only one I exited consciously. There were verbal fights, yelling, tears, laughter, betrayal, and the faint cracking of opening hearts, as men attempted to be with each other in a culture that says we should not be with each other in a heart-centered way. Our culture demands that we do things together, not be with each other.
I started men’s work in 1995. I was in a group of men much older than myself.
Scared—I was so scared the first time I saw another man hitting a pillow and yelling his pain about his recent divorce. I was 27 years old, not sober two years. All of the parts of me, past injustices, shame, judgment, hatred, fear; all of the parts of me, which I did not want to believe were true about me and were reflected back to me. Yes scared. I was so scared and hungry—hungry for something that was there that I needed and could not ask for.
◊♦◊
I remember being in my current men’s group. It was about year five. I had been sitting with a man I respect and who had mentored me for these five years. One day I owned that there was a part of me that expected him to hit me upside the head like my dad used to. Five years! It took five years for this truth to come to the surface. Five years before I knew consciously what was going on for me most of the time when I was in his presence. He turned to me and said, “You are easy to love.” That part of me that expected to get walloped was confused and I finally started to recover my brain, body, and emotions in that moment of being loved by another man.
The wound men carry is huge, invisible, and a deep secret. The most important thing we need to know as we sit in men’s groups is that it takes a long time to unwind the layers of wounding which are incurred by being brought up male. There will be many false starts, arguments, and uncomfortable situations as men attempt to break the taboo of being with each other and it is absolutely necessary for men to be with each other and not do so many things together.
We must learn to be with each other in order to love each other through these wounds. We must “risk loving other men” as James Hollis says in Under Saturn’s Shadow: The wounding and healing of men,— if men are to have any chance of reclaiming their dignity and take our place with others as we navigate the shoals of violence and division which plague our world today.
—
◊♦◊
Photo; GettyImages
Great post. I cringe when I hear parents tell their boys to “be tough” and to “act like a man”. It makes me sad that they are not supposed to, or allowed to express feelings. Congrats on running your men’s group and teaching others that it’s ok to have feelings.
Thank-you Sonja. Women’s support of men’s groups/work is critical, just as men’s support of women’s issues. And we can all support our trans siblings.
Nice article Gary
I really appreciate this article! I agree that cultivating a culture where men are comfortable fully being with each other, communicating deeply with each other, and loving each other, is likely to lead us to a safer and more harmonious world. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Solid share. Thanks, Gary.