I don’t want to talk about red flags anymore — what you should “look out” for and the reasons you shouldn’t get close to people or let them get close to you. I’m weary of lamenting all the different ways others will let us down.
It’s exhausting, searching for the dark side of everything and everyone. Then somehow, it’s disheartening to discover precisely what you set out to find. As if this infinite wheel of torture, where we expect the worst and then prove ourselves right, isn’t of our own doing.
If looking for reasons to disqualify someone as a potential partner, we’ll find one or two every single time. Because all of us have faults, quirks, and perceived flaws. Granted, there’s a difference between shortcomings and red flags that signal major issues, but each reveals itself in time.
We need only believe people when they show us who they are. If we pay attention and are honest with ourselves, that’s enough. Red flags will never go unseen.
So, I want to talk about the green flags.
I want to talk about the first time someone sent me flowers. How it was unassuming and without agenda. A dozen roses, just waiting on my porch when I arrived home from work.
I want to talk about the person who made me feel seen. Who approached me as a multifaceted being and not just an object of desire. The person who asked questions about my goals, interests, and what sets my soul on fire. We spent hours discussing trauma and personal growth. Learning how we came to be who we are inspired mutual admiration for how far each of us had come.
I want to talk about the time I felt most free to be me. When I didn’t sense someone expected me to be on all the time. How I felt just as attractive to this person whether I dressed up or down or lounged around the house in sweats and a headscarf all day. I could be silly or sit in silence, and be cared for just the same. This guy remained consistent even on the days I might not have been who he imagined I’d be.
I wish to convey how refreshing it is to meet and be met in the depths of vulnerability. To develop a healthy connection that summons the best version of you. For a relationship to serve as shelter, not the storm.
I’ve come to value emotional maturity.
You feel safe when someone is willing and able to respectfully communicate hurt feelings or displeasure. Especially when the two of you can arrive at an understanding instead of resentment.
The person who demonstrated boundless respect for my work makes me want to talk about showing up and offering support. He read my book and just about everything else I’d written, always reaching out to discuss the topic afterward. Always giving me space to focus on creative pursuits — because he believed that what I do matters.
I want to talk about transparency. When my calls and texts were invariably answered or returned in a reasonable time frame. When someone was where they said they’d be, doing what they said they’d do, honest and forthcoming without fail. I remember how it cultivated absolute trust and security in our relationship. How it preserved my peace of mind.
Yes, there are other, less appealing aspects of these scenarios. But I don’t want to talk about that. I’m done placing my focus where it doesn’t belong and giving energy to things I don’t intend to attract.
I want to talk about loving yourself enough to let other people love you. I wish to explore overcoming self-sabotage and the impulse to find something “wrong” with everyone — the reason to stop instead of allllll the reasons to proceed. I want us to tell more of our stories than just the parts where we suffered.
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Previously Published on medium
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