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All relationships go through rough patches; it is an unavoidable fact of life. And even in our day-to-day existence we may find ourselves getting annoyed, frustrated or occasionally outraged by our partner’s behavior. Also totally normal and not a major cause for alarm ***excepting that*** it becomes an all day/everyday occurrence.
Hey, unless you are involved with a bot, you are dealing with an actual human being, and human beings are always unpredictable; also often messy, sometimes thoughtless and pretty annoying in general because they are not exactly like you and cannot read your mind. (Don’t worry, everybody feels that way.) But we love each other anyhow; love is also an unavoidable fact of life if you are making any kind of an effort at all.
Anyone who expects to sail through a committed relationship without strife is setting an unattainable standard that is doomed to failure; the question is, do we know the difference between a “rough patch” and an unhealthy situation? Are we settling for something that is hurting us because we think that is “normal”?
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We read a lot about abusive or dysfunctional, co-dependent relationships and obviously if those markers ring bells for you, you are definitely not in a good or supportive environment. But even if your relationship is not abusive, it can still be damaging and constricting. So how do you know if you should leave or if you’ve simply got a case of the doldrums?
I often think back to a time in my life that went above and beyond the concept of a “rough patch”—in a very short span of time I had to deal with multiple deaths, job loss and change, a move and a diagnosis that required much care and many resources. I was in my doctor’s office one day and confessed to her that I was feeling depressed and perhaps needed some intervention. She asked me what was happening in my life and when I told her she shook her head and said, “You are not clinically depressed; you are simply having an entirely understandable emotional reaction to overwhelmingly negative circumstances.”
She further advised me that if, as those circumstances began to shift more into positive territory, my mood did not improve, then we would seek help. But it turned out she was right; as things improved, so did my mood. And now I regard this as the gold standard of “how do I know when I need to make a change?”
If you are currently in a relationship that is going through a circumstantial “rough patch” and you know it, that means you still have some good raw material to work with; if you and your partner are willing to roll up your sleeves and get whatever support you need, then you can not only “survive” it, but come through it to become stronger than ever. However, if you are currently not experiencing any major external stressors like job loss or illness or financial instability and you STILL feel unhappy? That means it may be time to make a change.
Here are some questions you need to ask yourself:
1) Do you trust your partner?
This is so critically important, it cannot be overstated. VP Mike Pence made headline news a while back by claiming he never dines alone with any woman other than his wife, causing us all to shake our heads and wonder why he is so untrustworthy that the act of eating food with a female is suspect behavior. Apart from the blatant sexism of it, this is empirically NOT a sign of a healthy marriage. If you don’t want your spouse to be unsupervised with a member of his or her gender preferred sex, do us all a favor and get a divorce now.
But trust doesn’t just speak to fidelity—do you trust your spouse with finances, decision making, and care of the children, if applicable? If you are engaged in a committed relationship with someone you feel you cannot trust to handle these kinds of big issues responsibly, you have a major problem.
2) Do you enjoy spending time with your partner?
It might seem like a no-brainer, but you would be amazed at how much we, in our busy lives with stressors galore, can be operating on autopilot.
It is important to note that everyone, ESPECIALLY people in a healthy relationship, needs “alone time” and/or “me time”. In fact, you can’t have a healthy relationship if you aren’t able or willing to nurture yourself and enjoy your solitude.
However, a big question you need to ask yourself is this—when I want to relax and connect, is my partner the person I want to be with, or the last person I want to be with?
Do you crave that special “together time” or endure it? Or avoid it? When it comes to spending a lifetime together, it goes without saying it should be with someone whose counsel, company and cuddling you generally enjoy more than others.
If your relationship doesn’t meet this standard, you are settling for less than you deserve.
3) Does your partner make your load lighter, or heavier?
Again, I know this seems obvious but really think about it for a minute. Although love should be unconditional, a partnership should not. Is this person bringing to the table at least as much as they take away?
And while there are obvious exceptions—a debilitating illness springs to mind—in general, a healthy relationship should have a 50/50 give and take UNLESS specifically agreed to by both parties (example: one of you is pursuing an advanced degree).
Imbalance is the leading cause of resentment in most long-term relationships, so it is an important checkpoint to determine the relative well-being of yours.
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All relationships, even the best ones, require compromise. But three things you should NEVER compromise are trust, contentment and a healthy balance. If you are spending your life with someone you don’t feel safe, comfortable and supported with, it is time to make a change.
Just as you would fire an employee who was untrustworthy, hostile and incompetent, so can you walk away from a partner who does not nurture your best interests with their conduct and contributions.
And truthfully, if they are bad for you, you are also undoubtedly bad for them. Your influence may have the most benevolent intentions, but if you have encouraged any sense of dependence, lack or “less than” in your partner, you have not done them any favors. We are adults and should seek adult companionship, with all the mess, frustration and outrage it can occasionally cause.
Don’t settle for less than you deserve. You deserve to feel safe, supported and loved. Period, full stop.
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