“These guys were really good guys. Kind, loving, sweet men. And they identified as kind, good, men. They were taught to treat women with respect. [So] they were visibly shocked that I was saying that their [sexual] behavior was pushy and inappropriate. They didn’t know any other way.” ~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Storytelling Event
I recently spoke at The New Narrative storytelling event in San Diego. The theme was communication, and I shared a personal story about a violation of sexual consent I experienced last fall. This wasn’t an easy story to share publicly. But if this situation happened to me in interactions with “good” men, as an outspoken, confident, clear communicator, with a specialty in gender and sex, then this must be happening a lot. So I shared my story, but also included something that seems to be rare in these conversations—compassion.
“I could see that what this guy did was an asshole thing to do, but it didn’t have to mean he was an asshole. It’s bad behavior versus a character flaw. And that I could be both compassionate to myself and my needs in the moment, and still compassionate (or at least not cruel) to the human being in front of me, as we talked about this until he left.”
I hope you’ll take 21 minutes out of your day to watch this video, and reflect on what it means to start a new narrative around sexual communication that includes respect, empathy, and vulnerability. It may be uncomfortable to listen to this video, as you may find yourself in this story. But I challenge you, whether you identify as male or female, to consider what role you might play in all of this and if there is anything you can do differently. To be part of the solution, we all need to be thinking and talking about sexual intimacy and consent in new ways.
“Sex is an incredibly complicated, nuanced, and personal topic. This is why we sometimes need to be talking more and doing less—even when it’s so vulnerable and awkward. Otherwise, it’s obvious how sexual *mis*communication is the norm.”
If you don’t want to have sex with a guy don’t get naked, don’t let them fondle your genitals, don’t engage in foreplay. Help him, if he can’t help himself. Yes, as a male he was genuinely flabbergasted that you would get naked, in the bed and yet get mad when his penis “slipped” in. As a sexologist you boggle my mind
Sorry to be late to the party, but there’s a logical leap in the story that I have problems wrapping my head around. Perhaps it’s the same thing DJ and Erin bring up below, I don’t know. Anyway, this man called himself a good man. And Jennifer also goes on to say “These guys were really good guys. Kind, loving, sweet men. And they identified as kind, good, men. They were taught to treat women with respect.” Yet, he went on to violate her boundaries, and severely so, I must add. And I my book, that’s as far from the… Read more »
Hey, Flying Kal, Let me share a little insight into why I chose to go the path of emphasizing that overall these men “identify” as good guys, and probably most of the people in their lives would think they are “good guys.” I think that terms like rape and sexual assault are easily dismissed by most men and women, if the behavior is coming from someone who they consider a “good guy.” So then the nuances of these conversations and the pushing behavior never get addressed. The point I was intending to make is that even if a guy identifies… Read more »
Thank you so much for this. This is amazing and resonates with some of my own experiences. Which were with normal men..good men…who did not respect my sexual autonomy. Who felt it was my responsibility to provide them with sexual pleasure and that my body’s job was to sexually please him. Who still pushed when I was clear aBout what I wanted. Who treated sex like a game to conquer. Thank you for putting it into words I couldn’t. Everyone in the world should read this piece.
Erin, this is such a beautiful share! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing how these experiences resonated with you. And thank you for your support – that means a lot to me 🙂
1. There is also the female condom you know, which sucks just as bad as the male version, so good luck with that. 2. In the primary example, I was expecting something along the lines of the author leading him on, and then putting on the breaks, which would have been cruel, (and yes, I’ve had it done to me. You think condoms suck?). Where she said no sex from the get-go, the man was an insensitive douche (I could say worse, but I don’t want to make legal accusation). He knew upfront, and he should have never let it… Read more »
DJ ” we can call it masculinity, but it is anything but” Dr.Jenn used the words masculinity script. I do not understand why you seem to feel insulted on behalf of all men. May I ask how do you define the concept masculinity , since it looks like this word is now forbidden to use when negative sides of the men’s gender role is discussed. But the issue here is not her choice of concepts. You seems to think most men do not behave or have values like the men dr.Jenn here talk about. I wonder how you can be… Read more »
Not insulted for all men, at least I don’t think I am. I’m insulted by that poor excuse for a man, and simply stated that he is not a sound representation of a masculine man, or masculinity itself Further, I don’t see the word as forbidden, but that it is simply being utilized in the wrong context, which I corrected. This man claimed to be a progressive, right? Progressive men reject traditional masculinity, correct? He, for all intent and purpose, raped this woman. Correct? How then do we make the leap back to blaming masculinity? Her pain, the pain that… Read more »
Jennifer the link to your website does not work all I get is this “404 not found”,
Ack! I tried it too and it did the same thing. But I went to my website otherwise and it’s up and running?! Try this link: http://www.drjennsden.com/home Thank you!!!
Thank you Jennifer.
This a fantastic story and told so well.
I have no words to express how I feel right now.
This is good……
Thank you so much 🙂