I was confident that my joy and hard work would re-warm her heart, and we would see bright-days again. I was wrong.
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THE OFF PARENT: I write anonymously to shield my ex-wife and children from the anger and pain that are all part of this process. You cannot avoid the hurt. But you can avoid hurting others. The goal is not to be bitter or vindictive. If I can provide some ideas that will help others with their pain, or perhaps point them in the direction of self-recovery, that is great, but that is not my goal. Let me be clear about this: This is not a self-help blog. I am not a daddy blogger. I am the *off* parent and I blog the song of myself from both dark and light rooms.
These posts are being republished by The Good Men Project in a sequence to reflect the three-year process of divorce recovery. The story continues…
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Perhaps it relieved the pressure on her to participate if it was about my orgasm and not making love.
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After the heat wore off. After the kids were born. After the work of keeping up a house and mortgage payment became real. Sex became more and more infrequent.
We went through some interesting therapy sessions and ideas about how to reconnect sexually.
- I wasn’t asking the right way
- I was asking too much
- I always asked at the wrong time
- There was always something that needed to be done, before we could have sex
- I didn’t help around the house enough
- I needed to try seducing rather than asking, touch rather than request
Ultimately, once the sexual shift had happened there was only one period of relief.
I had just gotten a vasectomy. (A good sign, anyway, that we were doing it at all, so we would even want to keep having sex. It was kind of a right of passage from fathering to fucking.
And the weeks following the surgery, after the swelling and pain had gone away, we had a sexual renaissance. You see, when you have a vaz there is a period afterwards where you are required to have 30 ejaculations before you can get tested for viable sperm. And if it’s all clear after that, you can begin nekkid sex without risk.
The ex-y even admitted to having an achievement complex, and we joked about her wanting the 30 gold stars in 45 days. And sure enough, the wind would blow and she was into getting me off. Perhaps it relieved the pressure on her to participate if it was about my orgasm and not making love.
She was already contemplating her departure, and those thoughts were crowding out the passion and love for me.
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We did it in the shower. She did me orally, manually, and seemingly with ease and enjoyment. Later we would look back on these weeks as “when it was good again.” At least, that’s what I remember saying about it. I certainly see it as the last hurrah of our marriage.
And then the goal was achieved. I was certified sperm free. And the sexual fire fizzled and went out. Almost as if a switch had been thrown. I couldn’t ask right, or provide enough house support (me or a maid) or money in the bank. There was ALWAYS something preventing us from doing it. I wanted to figure out how to have another vasectomy, or something. But nothing I tried worked.
Then, right at the end, when I had my moment of truth, I asked her. Well, it came out kind of sideways. I had bought a book “Your Sex-Starved Marriage” and she found it under the bed. It was as if she had found porn or something. She was angry. Of course I was accusing her of being the problem, that’s why I got the book. But she had plenty of ammo as to why it wasn’t all her.
She blamed it on stress, overwork, chores, things. But in reality she was no longer IN the marriage with me. She was already contemplating her departure, and those thoughts were crowding out the passion and love for me. Rather than demand closeness and touch, I withdrew into my own self-care miasma. But I sublimated my anger and desire. I compromised and let her slip further away from me. She was too far gone. And when I was finally angry it was a bit too late.
How does that phrase go? “You cannot prepare for love and war at the same time.”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
the story continues…
We welcome your comments and ideas. See the rest of The Off Parent on GMP.
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Clearly this isn’t the only reason why a wife or partner might stop having sex with her man. But I do know that alot of women stop feeling sexual when they stop feeling sexy. Their bodies change, they gain weight, have kids or simply get older and socially are told that we basically really aren’t even allowed to have a sexuality once our bodies stop being less perfect, less toned or less young. While I understand that for a man who loves his partner, it doesn’t always matter to him, it’s hard to break down those messages that are pretty… Read more »
I hear your perspective, and believe the media has a lot to do with our over-focus on ultra-thinness. In my case, I was still attracted to her. And if it was her body image that was causing her issues, she never opened up about that. She was exiting the relationship, and never really opened up much at all after a certain point. The sex was an indicator of how far things had gotten off between us.
Yes, based on your writing, it does appear she shut down on the relationship and stopped trying. Sometimes the trying part is more important then the outcome because at least the partner can see they are making an effort. I am sure there were many more things going on then what I simply suggested. I read Tom’s post and the comment he made about her not wanting to take her clothes off reminded me of times how I have personaly felt about my own body and not feeling very sexual because of how I percieved my body to look and… Read more »
Thanks for your considerate feedback Erin.
Thank you for your input Erin. I am aware of the media message of youth and beauty that takes a heavy toll, especially on women. And I’ve always done my best to reassure my partner that I am lusting for *her*, as a person and (sexual) human being, and not some “divine image of female perfection”, if you know what I mean. ( I have also never been with a mother of kids, so that has not been an issue.) But I have also sometimes been told that it’s about her not feeling sexy or “presentable”, by a woman somehow… Read more »
Your reassurances that you lust after her mind and sexuality are extremely important and necessarily to a supportive relationship. Both for her and for you. And they can sometimes mean the difference between feeling comfortable with someone or not. But for a woman that is insecure about her body, there is no amount of reassurances that you could provide that would completely fix her own view about her body or sexuality. Now that doesn’t mean that your reassurances aren’t important and that men shouldn’t be reassuring to their partners and vice versa. But it does mean that it ultimately comes… Read more »
Thanks! You really hit home with your 6-bullet list in the beginning. I’m also a touchy-feely person, but sex is a great part of that. She said she wanted sex just as much as I did, yet I was always supposed to ask for it. And I was always asking the wrong way, the wrong time, yet always too often. I could make dinner 6 days a week, do most of the grocery shopping and cleaning up, laundry, etc, as well as every occasional stuff needed around (outside) the house, while she could watch TV 3 hours a day. (We… Read more »
Obviously it’s more than sex. Men might be more animal about it, and women more emotional about it, but when one partner begins withdrawing, there needs to be some honest discussions about “what’s up?” That’s what I tried, unsuccessfully, to initiate. Well, I was successful in asking, but unsuccessful in bridging the gap back to connection.
You will always have a partner who more sexual than the other, finding the balance is the hard part. Men are hunter gatherers period, get over it you are simple. I’m a man, we are simple creatures, and if the tree just fell on the house and we just patched the hole, we are ready for sex it’s fixed. A woman feels more and the ENTIRE environment around and with her affects her mood and desires… They run this department!
There needs to be a willingness to find the balance. I think for us, sex became the example where I understood just how far off the emotional connection in our relationship had become.
The secret of great sex-life is mutual respect. If that is lacking, then nothing helps. You can feel horny and fuck like a dog, but that wears off and there is no ecstasy. All that remains is disgust.
To loose sexual interest in a person is very easy, but to get it back is very very hard, practically impossible. So there is no point to try hard. Better to let it go. You have to have some spiritual connection with a person, just sex won’t keep anybody together for very long. It’s an old truth.
Respect and trust of the other person are essential to maintain a healthy relationship. When those things began to go South in my relationship, sex was one of the first places that it became very hard for my ex to open up to me. She wasn’t willing to. She was gone.
What a difficult and painful trap to be in. Marriage and sex and money and kids.. it’s all so much. I’m in an interesting position for as the male, it’s all backwards here. You see, in every marriage there is always a “low need” and “high need” partner. The role was different or reversed from “normal” here because I was the low need… Ironically, because I’ve always been sexually active and even high need. But here, with a sexually charged wife I was often resistant. There too is a million reasons but honestly for me it’s a lot of just… Read more »
Or course the roles are reversed often. And it sounds like there were more fundamental issues beyond desire. Respect being the paramount. Without Trust, sex is just an animal act. And it does not heal nor create intimacy that isn’t there.
You have described my experience almost to a T. I heard everyone of those excuses, on a regular basis, and I know that is all they were – EXCUSES. Every time I heard them, my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. He said he loved me yet never wanted to be in any way physically intimate. After almost a year of counseling, I knew that nothing was going to change, and I asked him to leave. We had only been married 11months and we have been separated for a year now. For me, it’s not… Read more »
The love language book really cleared a lot of my physical desire needs up for me. Without touch I feel alone. Standing right next to the person I love, yet unable to show or share that appreciation… Devastating.
Thanks for a very thought provoking read. I’m that woman with the excuses. I had a 6 year marriage and what you describe above was pretty much what I experienced ( sans the vaz). I still think about what went wrong… we just had different values that didn’t really align I felt like he didn’t really know how to love me (and I felt insecure about his love for me) He didn’t touch me, he expected sex from me I earned more than him and was under so much stress to keep our new family afloat I resented his lack… Read more »
Thanks for your comment. Yes, the initial flames of passion got me hooked before I started seeing signs that things weren’t all that right with the world. Sometimes it takes duress to see people’s true colors, and your situation sure sounds like the stress got out of hand. I think taking it easy is easier to do on paper. But moving into a committed long-term relationship, for me, I’ll need to see a lot more water under the bridge before standing in for vows. At the moment, I am working to remain present and honest, and that is enough.
My advice to any man, unless he is religious, is to always be a lover to a woman and NEVER a husband. Women marry many men for utility. Often they do not even find the chap sexually attractive. Men also marry these trophy wives who are totally uninterested in fucking these guys. What I have discovered in my three years removed from divorce is this: if you love sex and want it often, find a woman who feels the same. But always remember it is only going to be temporary. We men are guilty of the reverse of the women.… Read more »
Jules, I’m not sure sex “inevitably dies.” I think it happened in my case. But it was more about where my then-wife was emotionally, and not so much about the sex at all. It was a very clear indicator, however.
So many “experts” around here. And no, I still believe most people marry because they love the other part. It’s all about the damn gender roles. Sometimes women don’t even know a thing about themselves sexually… how will they ever know what they want out of their sexual lives, then? And men usually know they want sex – but won’t ask their wives about their wants or just don’t care about women’s satisfaction, think sex is the most important, etc. Men can also be the ones not wanting sex. A lot of times it happens that he just wants to… Read more »
I was a touch-starved partner. I learned late in the game, that under stress my then-wife went to logic and even casual, non-sexual touch became an issue.
“But in reality she was no longer IN the marriage with me. She was already contemplating her departure, and those thoughts were crowding out the passion and love for me. She was too far gone. And when I was finally angry it was a bit too late.” These words broke me into tears. I think I’m realising that my husband has been walking away from me for a while. I’m 7 moths pregnant with our first child and I am just… broken. He hasn’t been in this marriage with me… I’m lost. I’ve beeb hopping for things to change and… Read more »
Wow, Susy. Very sorry to hear that.
Man, that sucks and I’m right there with ya. I know my wife has checked out of our marriage…a long time ago. It’s been a year since I touched her or she, me. She won’t even let me see her naked anymore. Hell, I participated in the birth of our son! The worst thing is that I don’t get to give or receive what I need most…plain old closeness and touch. I don’t care about the sex, I care about the intimacy of just touching, hugging, kissing…being there for each other. I’ve now checked out too and the next step… Read more »
The touchless marriage was killer for me. I’m still amazed when a woman is also touchy-feely. I’m surprised and delighted. Good luck on your journey.