Most couples, even those very much in love, are usually having sex, not making love. Don’t get me wrong. Sex can be a lot of fun and, for most people, it feels great. But sex is about how you feel. Even if you are invested in your partner’s pleasure, it still is mostly about your own. It isn’t about connection. That requires making love.
Here’s a quick test to see which you and your spouse are doing most of the time. Do you each keep your eyes open? Do you lock on to each other’s peepers?
If you’re like most people, myself included, it’s hard to look directly into your partner’s eyes. It’s easier to focus on your own body and what’s happening in it when your eyes are closed. No distractions, right?
But if the eyes are the window to the soul, how can you truly experience your partner if you’ve closed the curtains? Eyes-open sex and, more importantly, eyes-open climax are difficult for many of us. The connection you create in the process, however, leaves nothing hidden about your relationship.
Sex is about achieving a goal, making love is about experiencing both each other and the moment. Technique is great but isn’t what’s really important. Because technique without connection is mechanical and, often, prevents the outcome you truly desire. It can get in the way or, worse, serve as a distraction to the deeper connection making love brings about.
Think of it this way, sex is fast food, or at least a relatively quick intake of nourishment meant to keep you alive. Making love is a five-course meal that requires time—both to prepare and to consume. It is designed to involve all your senses and the touching of your souls.
Yes, you are physically exposed with both. Reaching climax leaves you with zero control over your body for a short period of time. But making love reveals your deepest self for the other to experience. And this lasts longer than a moment. They both require trust, but the vulnerability laid bare in making love takes that need to an entirely different level.
There isn’t anything wrong with having sex. I know many partners that would be thrilled if sex was a part of their marriages. But making love is where real intimacy is found. It allows each of you to be truly seen, heard, felt, and accepted.
And, if that’s not love, what is?
Previously published on foundationscoachingnc
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