Yes, it’s true; sometimes I feel like hell. I don’t have any reason to feel this way. But then I remember, “Oh yeah, I live with major depression.”
Here’s how it plays out:
At Work
I just won two awards from the VP of sales for being the first rep, nationwide, not only to meet but exceed my quarterly goals. Plus I did it a month before the quarter closes.
But every day I come home, I ask myself, “Am I doing enough?” I’m always worried that my boss is pissed off at me even after getting back from a fruitful business trip.
In the Home
The kids are happy and healthy, the bills are paid on time, and last week was my anniversary. I spend lots of time with the kids getting outside, volunteer at football games, and even have the occasional date night with my awesome wife.
But I feel so removed from what’s happening around me at home. Sometimes I question if I’m a good father or a suitable husband.
Spiritual Practice
As many of you know, I’m a practicing Buddhist, and I have strong faith in my practice. Each week I make water offerings at my local temple, I meditate and pray often, and I occasionally teach a class too.
It still doesn’t seem to be enough.
Mental Health
It’s been over ten years since I’ve taken any medication to treat my anxiety and major depression. I was hospitalized for the last time back in 1998.
Even though I would consider my mental health journey a success, it still feels like it’s never ending.
Is this Imposter Syndrome?
Some might say, “Oh you’ll get over it.” Or, “It will pass.” But the truth is that it doesn’t just pass. I won’t just get over it. Being upset or even depressed is normal but if it continues for days or weeks at a time than it’s major depression.
If I’m honest with myself, I’ve been feeling like hell for the past month.
What’s worse is that I write a blog and newsletter about beating depression, about sharing hope, yet here I am sharing with you how I’m struggling. I feel like I’m robbing you of the content I promised.
Maybe it’s the stigma surrounding vulnerability and mental health?
Ending the Stigma
On the other hand, this struggle I’m experiencing is what I should be sharing. Major depression can’t be wished away or prayed away. But what can help is opening up because the struggle is real.
You can never really know what someone is going through, so I ask after you read this post to try and bring some compassion into your daily activities with others.
Say hello to strangers. Call an old friend. Better yet, take the day off from work and treat yourself to something you love.
Do you ever feel like an imposter?
Imposter syndrome is the belief that we only succeed due to luck and not because of our talent or hard work.
Imposter syndrome is real, and it impacts many people from across all walks of life.
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Originally Published on charlesminguez.com
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