When I was in my mid-20s, I was dating a wonderful man, let’s call him Nick, with whom I was quite compatible. He and I enjoyed each others’ company. We shared most of the same values. I knew I could rely on him and that we could talk things through. There was also the physical attraction.
He paid attention to me and was sensitive to how I felt. I was patient with his sometimes being late because he got caught up in work. As a fellow geek, I understood that, though I would let him know when being late was not OK — such as when we had theater tickets.
We enjoyed playing board games together and traveled well together, and he and my dog got along. He also got along well with my close friends and I got along with his.
I even got along with his mother, at least at first.
The problem?
His mother was a widow and he was her oldest son.
The younger son had gotten married and moved some distance from his mother. He only saw her on some holidays, since he had to split the time between his wife’s family and his own.
Nick, however, lived just two hours from his mother and visited her one weekend each month to take care of chores for her.
At first this did not create problems. I understood the importance of family. I myself, a little over a decade ago, had my mother move in with my husband and myself, and we helped care for his mother when she got on in years.
So I never had an issue with helping out family.
The issue was that the closer I got to my boyfriend, the more jealous and insecure his mother acted. She started hinting that she’d like to join us on our dates when we went down to spend the weekend with her.
Image of mother jealous of son’s girlfriend from shutterstock
I put my foot down on that, but felt that it was really Nick’s job to stand up to his mother. It shouldn’t be my job.
The she started calling him to come help her more than once a month, which was annoying.
However, it was when I changed jobs and moved to another state that things really fell apart.
Nick and I agreed to visit each other every other weekend, taking turns going to each others’ places.
The first time he visited me, we had a lovely weekend.
However, the first time I visited him… his mother surprised us with an impromptu visit. She arrived shortly after I got in from the airport.
I was furious. I only had a weekend with him after two months apart, while she had been able to see him every weekend during that time if she’d wanted to.
So I grabbed his car keys and left.
By the time I got back, his mother was gone.
But she continued to pull these stunts and he never stood up to her. So I broke up with him.
I could imagine a future with him in which his mother would always come first. I wasn’t going to tolerate that.
For me, when you got married, your spouse becomes your first priority. My parents understood this, which is probably why their marriage remained so strong over the decades. They loved and sacrificed for their children, but their relationship was the primary one.
When I finally got married, while there were reasons our relationship came apart eventually, at least I never worried that he put his other relatives before me, and while I loved my parents and wanted them treated with respect when they came to visit, I never put them before my husband.
Unless you can honestly put your spouse first, you have no business getting married. When hard times come, you need to have each others’ back or you can’t work effectively as a team and things will fall apart.
As far as Nick— well, I blamed him for what happened, not his mother. It was his job to reassure her while still standing up to her on my behalf. It was his job to set healthy boundaries.
Years later, when I visited friends in the state where he still lived, I called him to see how he was doing. He was overjoyed to hear from me. He wasn’t dating anyone and kept hinting he wanted me back.
But it was too late.
When I break up with someone, I won’t take them back and if someone breaks up with me, I don’t want them to take me back. I figure we broke up for a reason.
I don’t know if he ever got married, but I did, and I remember an incident that occurred shortly before we did.
His mother called. He was having a nice chat with her when she apparently said something disparaging about me. He hung up on her.
When she called back, he told her, “You don’t say things like that about my future wife.” And he hung up on her again.
We never had any further issues with his mother. His father and I got along from day one, and my parents liked him. In fact, once the unpleasantness with his mother was in the past, we got along so well with each others’ parents that we sometimes traveled together.
Mom and Dad in front of the Arc de Triomphe
None of that would have been possible, however, if we had not respected each others’ boundaries, something that his mother needed to understand. Once she did, she and I developed a good friendship based on mutual respect and affection.
When my parents traveled with us to France, it was lovely to see how Mom and Dad would have romantic interludes. They would enjoy breakfast together on their balcony and when we visited places such as Versailles, they would stroll ahead of us sometimes, just the two of them, having private conversations together.
They made the time to create special memories for just the two of them, giving my husband and I opportunities to do the same.
These boundaries helped us to really appreciate each other and enjoy the time we spent together. and showed our mutual respect.
On a vacation with my ex’s family. I am still on good terms with some of them.
Because we established healthy boundaries, even after we divorced, we avoided bad-mouthing each other to family members. This has resulted in our being able to maintain friendly contact over social media.
When I got cancer, several of his family contacted me to express their sympathy. Similarly, I have sent them congratulations when I’ve heard of one of their children reaching a milestone.
We are able to maintain amiable contact because we established respectful relationships and healthy boundaries early on.
Based on my own experiences, I believe that respect is the most important quality when it comes to maintaining healthy and satisfying relationships that benefit everyone involved.
Feel free to share your own thoughts whether you agree or disagree.
I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.
—
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock.com