It’s just around 10am and I’m sitting here at my laptop writing this article when I really should be prepping for a demonstration at work.
For the past 90 minutes I’ve been staring at a computer screen with simply no motivation to work today. I’d like to say this is a rare occurrence but over the past few months it’s become commonplace. Some days I just simply don’t have any interest in my job; I’m just so stressed out about all the other shit going on in my life that I simply can’t focus on getting anything done other then over-analyzing my thoughts and crying into my pillow.
Today is a combination of both.
Last night, as I do every night, I called my lover to talk for a while and say goodnight. The moment that the phone screen rendered her beautiful face I could tell something was wrong.
Her eyes were red and swollen so I knew she had been lying there in bed crying for some time. It broke my heart to see her hurting this way. I wish more than anything that I could just wipe away those tears and make the pain go away, tell her everything is going to be all right.
“I wish you weren’t so scared babe.” I told her, to which she replied “Well than don’t give me a reason to be.”
This is where we are right now — just over five days out from my wife learning of our affair. Still living in this state of limbo. Still trying to find a way to “gracefully” exit my marriage as I like to put it. The problem remains that other then in fairy tales or delusions there is no way to “gracefully” exit a 23 year marriage, three amazing daughters and a life that’s the only one you’ve ever known.
I always assumed that eventually, if I continued with my affair, that either I would be caught red-handed or I would come clean and tell my wife the truth. Last Saturday was a little bit of both. My wife noticed a gift that my lover had given me and questioned me about it and I made the choice at that point to tell the truth about where and whom it came from. Knowing my wife as well as I do after 31 years as a couple I fully expected that if this moment came, she would immediately launch into a rage and kick me out of the house, but that isn’t what happened. She was certainly angry but it was a controlled anger which was unusual for her.
She didn’t want to throw me out. She wanted to try and forgive me and work on starting over.
This was unexpected and I guess given where my head was at, kind of unwelcome.
The easiest thing for me would have been to be shown the door and have the path of my life chosen for me. The cowards way out right? Let someone else make the decision for you so you don’t have to be the “bad guy”…the one breaking up the family.
Both of my relationships are just fermenting in the ether right now and until I make a move to get out everyone suffers.
My wife and I are mutually responsible for the deterioration of our marriage. My lover and I are mutually responsible for entering into an affair. Any one of us has the power to determine what happens next but really that responsibility should reside with me. Time for me to play grownup and really face the consequences of my actions and realize that I simply can’t be everyone’s prince charming. There is no way forward without hurting someone that I love.
By this time next week, probably sooner a path forward will be determined and it’s going to cause a great deal of pain for everyone involved but this is what happens when you allow your marriage to fall apart and allow yourself to become involved in an extra-marital affair.
To Be Continued…
Previously published on medium
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