Did you know that each year more than 41,000 people die by suicide? Did you also know that September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month? The topic of suicide is near and dear to my heart, and it’s suicide that brought me to my current spiritual practice. However, not all individuals who suffer from suicidal thoughts are lucky enough to afford that luxury.
I want to change that, and I want to help others be free of their suffering. To do that and in the hopes that others may read my story and reach out for help, I’d like to share my personal experience with suicide.
Suicide: First Attempt
The first time I attempted suicide, I was in the sixth grade about thirteen years old. I took a sheet from off my bed, twisted it up tight and tried to hang myself with it. It didn’t work, and I fell to the floor with tears in my eyes. From that day on, an over-powering internal scream began to choke out my inner spirit.
That internal screaming comes from the pain of longing to express the hurt inside. However, when there’s nobody there to listen the screaming just gets louder, more intense and I tuned out the world around me to focus on the sound of noise boiling up from my insides.
Eventually, the screaming seemed to quiet but not because it was going away, but because I was becoming consumed by the noise. In this state, you feel nothing; no love, no hate and there’s no motivation to get out of bed, to bathe or to even brush your teeth, you’re just numb.
Suicide: Second Attempt
The numbness continues to grow cold and I over-indulge in whatever intoxicants I can find hoping that they might rekindle whatever emotions are left. It doesn’t work, so I start self-mutilating thinking, “Maybe this is the only way I can feel?” By this point, I’m spiraling out of control.
When I was seventeen, I gathered up some alcohol, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, pot, and coke – I took everything I had. As the mixture of drugs began to kick in, I remember my breathing becoming labored and my heart racing. Lying down in my bed I made peace with whatever god or spirit I thought was out there, and I closed my eyes.
The next morning I awoke in the same position and the same clothes, the only difference was that I had wet myself. I can remember the sensation of extreme confusion and grogginess washing over me as I began to realize what had happened.
The Change
It took me three hospital visits, years of therapy and finding an active spiritual practice to overcome my inner-demons. It is because I had access to these facilities that I survived. Many people around the world do not. If I didn’t get the help I needed, I’d probably be dead.
With that said, suicide and mental illness is not something to joke about or casually playoff by saying, “you’ll get over it.” People who have suicidal thoughts need open communication; they need to feel comfortable and accepted by those around them so that they can open up about what is hurting them. It’s a shame that so many people never get the opportunity to express the pain, to release it.
If we as a community, as a culture of compassionate beings could allow ourselves to discuss our deepest fears, anxieties, what keeps us awake at night, there would be no stigma surrounding mental illness. Can you imagine the world where we can all come together and just pour our hearts out? How does that feel? It feels amazing, doesn’t it?
Moving Forward
Looking back on the situation, it takes my breath away. To think that when I was eleven, the same age as my oldest son now, I was so distraught that I expected the only way to end the pain was by taking my own life. I pray daily that none of my children have to experience that type of pain.
Over the course of my life, I have lost friends, and I have seen friends deal with the loss of family members who died by suicide. It’s horrible to witness. There are so many questions for those who are left behind, and they never get answered.
The sad truth is that it doesn’t have to be this way. For many cases of death by suicide you hear friends and family say, “we had no idea.” If we can drop the stigma, if we can cultivate compassion, if we can feel comfortable turning to a community in our times of need then addressing mental illness would be far easier for all parties and the path to healing clear.
What Can We Do to Help
There are many things we can do to help change the current situation, but I think a significant first step involves education. Check out the National Alliance on Mental Health’s (NAMI) website and visit the Learn More page. You can also get involved with all the excellent programs at NAMI by visiting here.
Also, if you are reading this post and suffering with mental illness or have suicidal thoughts, I implore you to call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255. There is hope, and there are people who believe in you, including me!
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Originally appeared on CM.
Photo by Pixabay.