One of my friends told me he needed an internet connection.
So, he was asking for the password to my wifi device.
That was weird.
We were at work, and I did not have a wifi device.
Then he started laughing. He was being sarcastic about my big ear. They look like antennas, apparently.
Well, in fact, they are not that big.
They somehow look like antennas, but they are not noticeably big.
Jokes and defenses aside, my big ears represent one of my good qualities, which is being a good listener.
I am not perfect, but I am a great listener. I am naturally good at it, and my conscious efforts to improve it made me even better.
I build trust by listening, really listening, to people.
The 7 barriers to listening
In this article, I will share 7 listening barriers.
Some social skills do not need any teaching at all. You just have to stop doing what stops your natural ability to listen.
Get rid of the obstacles, and you will move smoothly.
Getting rid of these 7 barriers will make you a better listener.
#1 Defensiveness
You cannot listen while being in defensive mode.
It. Is. Impossible.
You will only think about protecting yourself.
Therefore, all you will think about is yourself and the potential threat. You will be self-conscious.
That will deafen your ears to what the other person is saying.
There is a harsh rule that even if the other person is criticizing and attacking you, you still need to avoid being defensive.
What will help you not get defensive is being the type of person who does not take things personally.
Not taking things personally will help you stay calm and be more dominant. It will make you less likely to get defensive because you will rarely feel attacked.
When you are not defensive, you will listen to the actual, objective argument the other person is trying to communicate rather than only hearing words that trigger you.
That is the type of listening you are after.
#2 Waiting for your turn to speak instead of actually listening
You all know this.
And you feel it horribly when someone does it to you.
It is when you have been speaking for ages explaining your point.
And when the other person opens their mouth, they say something that has nothing to do with what you have been saying.
They were not listening.
They were silent contemplating their reply and waiting for you to shut up.
Instead of trying to decipher what you mean, they were exerting mental effort to think about what to say.
That could be for multiple reasons.
They could be defensive.
Or they just want to sound interesting and talk about themselves and their stories.
Do not make that mistake.
Do not listen because you want to reply. Listen to understand. Pay a conscious, deliberate effort to understand what this person is saying.
Spacing out will make you miss important pieces of information the other person will say.
And let us face it, it is disrespectful. It does not create a dialogue. And it is like talking to a rock.
#3 Presuppositions and assumptions
This is similar to the previous point with a minor difference.
This happens when you enter the conversation assuming something about the other person.
You already formed an idea about who they are or what they believe in.
And you religiously believe in your assumptions.
Generally, assumptions are the enemy of effective communication.
Assumptions can kill relationships and break hearts.
You are not listening to the other person. You are listening to what you assume is them.
You will filter their words based on your assumptions.
#4 An end goal in mind
This is also similar to the previous point.
But instead of assumptions, you have a goal that you want to achieve with the conversation.
You have agendas. The conversation, to you, is a tool to achieve your goals.
Similar to having assumptions, you will filter the conversation based on your end goal.
This is one of the reasons we hate pushy salesmen.
You might object that every conversation has an end goal and we cannot avoid that. Well, it is debatable.
But that being said, the main goal of the conversation is not to direct it in a specific direction. It is to ride the tides and see where they take you. I will explain that in seconds.
#5 Zero-sum games
This one is like the previous point.
Zero-sum games are the opposite of win-win situations.
If someone is playing a zero-sum game with you, their win is your loss.
In this case, they will not listen to you and will do their best to win and therefore make you lose.
And if you are playing a zero-sum game with someone, the same will happen.
Listening to understand will just screw up the zero-sum game. So, the party playing the zero-sum game will hardly listen to anything.
Plus, listening goes out of the window when you have an end goal in mind. You will filter everything based on it.
In general, zero-sum games are relationship killers. You need to stop participating in them. They are hurtful because they destroy trust.
#6 Being emotionally charged
This is especially true if you are a man.
And it is especially true in conflicts and when you are in a bad mood.
Your ability to listen and understand will dramatically decrease.
You cannot even think clearly when you are emotionally charged, let alone listen to someone, and practice difficult skills like empathy and perspective-taking.
It will make you self-conscious and obsessed with yourself and your emotions. You will be so obsessed and self-conscious that you forget about the other person.
This is not the same as self-awareness or mindfulness.
If you can recognize your emotions and stop them from controlling you, that is self-awareness and mindfulness.
And they are valuable skills.
But when you get emotionally charged, you are controlled by your emotions. They will deafen your ears and cloud your judgment.
Simply, if you feel emotionally charged, calm down before trying to listen. And understand that it will hinder your ability to listen well.
#7 Thinking that listening is easy
It is not.
Our minds nowadays are distracted easily. And real listening requires a tremendous amount of energy and focus.
You have to deliberately work on it.
I recently started to meditate, and I can see many benefits for that. But one of them is my ability to focus better in conversations, especially after a very distracted period in my life when I worked as a call center agent.
So, do not be thinking that listening is an easy task.
I am saying this as someone who is naturally good at listening. It still requires a lot of effort.
I generally have this rule. Whenever I claim that listening is easy, it means I am not actually listening.
And here is the litmus test and the harsh truth.
Real listening breeds satisfying trust.
When people tell you interesting stories, share vulnerable parts of themselves, or feel safer with you, it means you have been listening.
Real listening should make people tell you things that will make you walk out of the conversation knowing something you did not know before.
Are all of your conversations like that?
Most of them?
How often does that happen?
It is not often.
This is the reason people are thrilled when they find someone who listens to them.
Listening is hard. Do not assume you are doing it well. Deliberately exert more effort. It requires a certain level of focus, compassion, and wisdom.
Stop assuming it is easy to listen and exert some serious effort.
When you assume it is easy, know that it is a barrier to your listening abilities.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Nam Anh on Unsplash