What will the American house really look like in the new millennia? Well, our futurists here in 1950 can show you exactly with our model HOUSE OF THE FUTURE! What do our great great grandkids have in store for them? Let’s take a tour.
It all starts in the millennia modern family living room. Here, the American family can sit back, relax, and wonder how it all went wrong. The first thing you will notice is that reclaimed furniture is in style. Nothing is thrown away in the future because no one can afford to replace it. Notice how mom hides the tears in the couch’s arms by putting her cheap hobo wine glass right over it. And don’t forget about dad. He likes to sit in his duck-taped recliner and catch up on all the news of the day. Is that a plague? Oh Dad, don’t worry. It’s just another day in your future life!
No home would be complete without what used to be called the dining room. But no one wants that room in the future. With the constant pressure to have your kids engaged in professional-level activities, the dining room has now been rebranded as the “memory room.” From the forgotten cello and foreign language books to the ultra soccer kneepads and lacrosse equipment, the memory serves as a black hole of all the time families will never get back. Not that they will know it, because fencing practice starts at 3, then a mega competitive study session and the day will end with a midnight surprise debate club. Look at your little mathletes go! Will this help them get into college? Absolutely not, but parents of the future think that it will.
And now to the heart of the American home, the family kitchen. This is where moms and dads would cook if they had time. They don’t of course, because the high cost of childcare requires both parents to work and slowly miss the most important years of their children’s growth. You can often find mom in the kitchen wondering how she can make one cup of rice last for five meals and dad trying to fix an appliance. Yes, the future kitchen has appliances that are built to not last! They sure don’t build them like they used to, right dad? The children will gather with dad around the dishwasher and learn new vocabulary that can’t be repeated in polite company. Isn’t that your third dishwasher in five years? Oh, dad, you are a colorful character of the future American family.
Little Johnny and Susie are not left behind in this modern world. The little rapscallions are up in their bedroom studying hard so that one day they can grow up and afford a house. They can’t, of course, they’ve been priced out of the housing market long ago. But shh, don’t ruin their dreams just yet. Wait until they get those six-figure student loans first. Let the unreasonably high-interest rates crush their dreams for you! Work hard kids, but only for someone else’s financial benefit. Your salaries will never keep pace.
At the end of the night, Mom and Dad will retire to their very luxurious room. The modern American couple has a single bare mattress because no one can afford two beds anymore! Covered in extravagant two-thread big box store sheets, this is where the family is made. Don’t fret Johnny and Susie, you’re not getting any more brothers and sisters. Who can afford hanky panky with sexual reproduction rights stripped away? No, Mom and Dad are cuddling for heat to lower their out-of-control energy bills. Their tears keep them warm at night.
Now, the future American family does more than just waste away all day. When they do have time for fun and games, provided that they have any kind of PTO policies at work, the whole family gets together to play the famous game Grocery Store Apocalypse! This fun game is perfect for the whole family. Using your inflation counter, shop for online groceries. The inflation counter, much like a Geiger counter, will beep the minute you get close to your grocery budget. Don’t let your family get infected with a negative bank balance! The future American Family can use coupons to pretend they are getting a good deal. 300 bucks doesn’t go as far as it used to, and the inflation counter is always at a high-pitched scream.
Yes, the future of the American family looks as bright as a nuclear explosion from WWIII that is coming because no one can get their crap together and they govern based on conspiracy theories. But not to worry, a billionaire has a bomb shelter that will allow them to wait out the coming food riots. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? (Probably not universal healthcare.)
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock