The abusive individual in your life is skilled at one thing: making you feel as though everything you do and say is worthless and wrong.
It’s their superpower. If they were a Marvel character, they would wield giant foam thumbs down signs. They are not your biggest fan, rather, your loudest critic.
Yet, amazingly, these are the same people that were supposed to care deeply for us. They swore to be our friend, our significant other, someone that we could turn to.
Now imagine them, with those giant foam thumbs, showing up to all of the important events and monumental moments; not to cheer us on, but to boo us from the stage.
This is the role the abuser plays in your life. They make you doubtful of yourself. They make you question your abilities, your very existence. They beat you down in every metaphorical sense of the term.
For what? Why would someone make so much effort to ruin another person’s self-worth?
Because it’s how they control you. It’s how they keep you exactly where they want you; beneath them.
Without your abuser booing you from the stage, you may have felt like you were a valued contribution to your corporation. If your abuser wasn’t behind you, telling you that you were destined to fail because you’re stupid, you may have aced your class and gotten those college credits.
Then, you would be one step closer to financial independence. You would be within arm’s length of being free.
That abusive asshole in your life may not be good at anything else. They might be a talentless hack that couldn’t write a haiku if you arranged the words on the page for them, but they’ll quickly tell you that your own verse has no rhythm lying there on the page.
That jerk probably couldn’t account his way out of a paper sack, but you can bet your ass that he will undermine your abilities, and any conversation about your role at work or your recent promotion will swiftly be dominated by him to either insult your intelligence, or talk of how much smarter than you anyone else is.
This is what abusers do. This is what they earned their degree in. They wrote their thesis on it.
They are the Masters in the Art Of Abuse.
You only need to recognize the signs. Now, they might leave those giant foam thumbs at home, but you can still spot them. They’ll be there with a backhanded compliment when everyone else is congratulating a recent success. They will always have some negative to interject into any positive moment you are experiencing.
Unfortunately, they are usually the ones closest to us. Typically, they’re our spouse. And, all too often, they’re just getting started.
Verbal abuse isn’t just calling someone names or hurling insults at people. It’s the crushing weight of knowing that, regardless of how great you’re feeling, that person waiting at home is holding the pin in anticipation of your elated balloon walking in the door.
If you start getting that sinking feeling on the way home, the trepidation of delivering the good news that will somehow be twisted into how stupid and incompetent you truly are, you are being verbally abused. Even if stupid and incompetent aren’t the words he uses, if his goal is to make you feel as though you are both, that’s abuse.
In some relationships, he might not ever raise a hand to you, but verbally, he beats you to the floor. It is still abuse.
It is how he knocks you down a few pegs, how he ensures that when you go to leave him, you second guess your own ability and wonder if you’ll fail out there on your own. It is the constant disrespect from the one person that should respect and admire you more than anyone else.
They’re not fans. They won’t be joining your fan club. No self-addressed stamped envelope requesting an autographed 8×10 glossy, no upvotes on your blog, no recommending you to a friend. You aren’t all that great if you asked them.
Stop asking them.
If you or anyone you know is being abused; physically, verbally, sexually, please call 1–800–799-SAFE. The Domestic Violence Hotline isn’t just for women being smacked around. If he pigeon holes you into the abuse by making you think you aren’t strong enough to leave him, he’s abusing you. Give the hotline a call, and they can help you figure out your options, without the giant foam thumbs telling you that you can’t.
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This post was previously published on Ask A Bitchface.
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