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Recently an experience in our own humble abode had my better half and I questioning our moral standing on the double standard of the rules of dating between girls and guys. Even more so was the realization that we were the ones who had to admit we held some pretty strong ones with regard to our own kids.
I hated to admit this to my son. We held a double standard on this one.
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We have two. A boy and a girl. The girl is too young to date—she’s only nine. The boy, however; is a young man of 20. Both kids are smart, good looking, funny and outgoing (despite our bias, we know this from others!) Yet, we have discovered as a couple and parents that we do not treat them the same in some ways.
As the older one was dating a younger girl, we had some concerns. Her parents did as well. Despite the fact our son truly is a gentleman in every sense of the word and has a great head on his shoulders, her parents weren’t thrilled with him dating their daughter. Here comes the sad part … neither were we. She is lovely. She is smart. She is funny and friendly. We loved her. Still do.
But … the thoughts of ‘what could happen’ all of a sudden became real. For both of them. And then the thought of our daughter dating in the future was a bit too much to handle. I told my son the truth. If this was my daughter, because she was a few years younger, I would not be happy with her dating a college guy either. My husband and I both were honest and said if the situation were reversed it would not have been pleasant.
Nope. Nada. Not our girl. Not happening.
I hated to admit this to my son. We held a double standard on this one. Yet, he; again being the awesome young man he has become, completely understood. I don’t think it made him feel much better, but he got it.
As for him and her…well, they are great friends now. Not dating but great friends who totally respect one another and one another’s parents. I’m sure this is not even close to the first experience for us or him to see inequality in relationships or expectations. A parent can only hope that the transition through them and the attempted explanation of ‘why’ goes somewhat smoothly. The ‘why’ mostly can never be truly justified of course. That’s part of the game though, right?
Hopefully, by the time our girl is old enough to date, we will have more answers on how to handle this stuff. In fact, I guess that is one of the next family discussions … when is the perfect time to start dating? Oh my! Funny how your perspective changes when you become parents.
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Question. How would you feel about your 20yr daughter dating a guy that is a few years younger?
We do the best we can, Leigh. None of us are perfect, and yes, there are many double standards that our boys will face in relationships.
Change takes time. Identifying is the first step, acknowledging the second, and on we go.
Hi, I am a bit confused: how can you possibly decide over your 20yo son who he is dating? Isnt he an adult?And just based on age?
It’s not really a double standard unless you would have let him ( at the age of what? 16 or 17 I’m guessing?) date a 20 year old woman.
Now if you would have been ok with that, then yes you’d have a double standard.
Or if you were offended they didn’t want him dating their daughter but wouldn’t let a twenty year old guy date yours at that age
Yeah… That article made no sense. I didn’t see a double standard illustrated either.