99% of you don’t know how to approach women.
You either come on too strong, too awkward, too dorky, too creepy, or, quite frankly, too lame.
Being attractive only helps you so much; if you’re not equipped with the right thing to say or don’t know what to do, you won’t get very far.
With that in mind, here are a few pointers on what you can do and what you should try to avoid.
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Do: Give her a sign to signal you’re approaching her.
You need to catch her eye before you try talking to her.
Eye contact is a perfect nonverbal way of expressing interest and it can help you gauge whether she’s open to being approached in the first place.
If she maintains eye contact with you, smiles, looks away, catches your eye again, it can be a positive sign that she’s receptive to your approach.
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Don’t: Approach her from behind or chase her down.
I’ve been in a couple of situations where a guy poked me in the shoulder from behind at the gym, and it’s not only startling but also a little awkward and creepy.
On a separate occasion, I was crossing the street with my headphones in, and a guy was trying to get my attention — I didn’t hear him, so he ran towards me, resulting in me… thinking I was going to get attacked.
I know it’s tough to approach a woman outside, especially in the midst of all the busyness around you, but chasing her down isn’t going to get you far.
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Do: Maintain some distance.
When I first moved to LA, I drove up to Venice Beach and was reading a book while gazing at the ocean. A man was running, and we locked eyes, it wasn’t intentional — he just happened to be in my line of vision.
I quickly looked away, but that didn’t deter him from approaching me. He walked over and sat down — right next to me. I had to physically scoot over because he was so close that I felt uncomfortable.
It didn’t matter how attractive he was, it didn’t matter if he was just being friendly and said something cheesy like, “I saw you reading and thought you looked so beautiful I couldn’t help but say hi” — because the bottom line is he already creeped me out and made me uncomfortable by sitting on my beach blanket, and he was a stranger.
Wherever you decide to approach a woman, think to yourself, would I want a dude this close to my daughter if this was the first time she was meeting him? And if the answer is no, then take a few steps back.
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Don’t: Be insecure.
Speak with a reasonable volume and be confident because the more authoritative you sound and assertive you are, the more relaxed a woman will feel in your presence.
Insecure and awkward guys are the guys girls worry about. So don’t be uncertain of yourself, don’t hesitate, don’t stumble over your own words, don’t even try to impress her. Your attitude, your confidence, and the way you carry yourself are what matters.
If you approach a woman, consider how that interaction will make her feel — you want to make her feel at least 1% better than before you approached her.
You want to create a pleasant interaction that results in one of two things happening. Either the two of you exchange numbers or social media info — or she turns you down respectfully. Hopefully — I can’t speak for all women, but I doubt she’ll be rude to you if you make it s pleasant interaction.
The bottom line is getting approached by a confident man is a compliment; she’ll be flattered if you make it a pleasant experience.
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Do: Be direct.
There’s nothing wrong with stating your intentions right off the bat. Most women will appreciate you being direct as long as you’re being respectful.
Let’s consider two different scenarios that take place in a gym setting:
Guy #1 approaches a girl while she’s resting in-between sets and says, “Hey, I see you here all the time, what’s your name?”
Guy #1 and girl have a quick conversation, but he doesn’t ask her anything besides her name. She goes home and doesn’t think about him again.
Guy #2 approaches a girl as she’s walking after making direct eye contact with her. He says, “Hey, I saw you here last week, and I just wanted to let you know I think you’re gorgeous. Do you have a boyfriend?”
Instantly, the girl is flattered. They exchange names. She either tells him she has a boyfriend or doesn’t. Most likely, if she is interested, she’ll exchange her information with him because he was direct in his approach to her. She goes home and thinks about that encounter at least once more.
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Don’t: Try when it’s clear she isn’t into it.
She’s not having a bad day. She’s not trying to play hard to get. If she comes off as cold and uninterested, then she’s uninterested.
A few weeks ago, I was at the gym doing an ab routine when a guy approached me and tried to engage in conversation. I told him I was wrapping up my workout and heading home — said goodbye, and I went into a different room in the gym and tried to finish the last few sets of my circuit.
A few minutes later, he showed up again with a smile on his face reminding me that I’d said I was done… and he proceeded to put his things next to mine.
Look, there are tons of women out there who play games with guys and try to act hard to get.
There also might be a few exceptions where a girl might be having an off day, and she might not feel like talking to you on one day, but on a separate day, it’s a different story.
But the chances of that are slim, and you’re only decreasing your value by chasing after someone who probably isn’t even the right person for you anyway.
If a woman says no to you, listen the first time.
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Do: Ask THESE types of questions.
Always prioritize open-ended questions to get her to engage with you. If she genuinely isn’t interested, she’ll give you very blunt responses, and you can take that as a sign of her disinterest.
However, don’t expect her to carry on a conversation with you if you’re the one approaching her in the first place.
If you’re in a gym setting, be bold in your approach — ask if she has a boyfriend, if not, ask to exchange information and grab a cup of coffee.
If you’re in a coffee shop, and the girl in front of you is drop-dead gorgeous, and you don’t think you’ll be able to get her out of your head, ask her what’s good on the menu. Women love giving their opinions.
Be equipped with a few things to say. Always be prepared for a conversation — and don’t take it personally when it doesn’t go your way.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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