One special Christmas Day, The Elf on the Shelf decided that it was time for him to retire. After years and years of being the little friend to kids everywhere, Mom and Dad had enough of his crap. I, um, mean the Elf on the Shelf knew that he had done his job so well that it was time to go. Yeah, let’s go with that.
It would be tough for him to go. What would Santa do without him? How would the big man know if the kids had been naughty or nice? Without constant surveillance, could you even count on children to be good? Would they put away their shoes like they are supposed to? Would they clean the kitchen? Would they leave the hammer alone and stop putting holes in my wall! I’m mean, Dad’s wall. Not the Elf’s.
But the Elf had given all that he had and had grown tired. Of late-night panic attacks and whispered conversations.
“Did you move the Elf?”
“Crap! No, did you move him?”
“Why would you ask me if I moved him when I just asked you?”
“Well, go move him. I’m all cozy.”
“No! I’m cozy!”
“I’m cozier!”
“Fine, break your son’s heart.”
“Well, it’s best that he breaks it early so he can deal with it later.”
“Go move the Elf or we are getting divorced.”
“Fine. I get the kids and you get the Elf.”
Mommy and Daddy really loved each other, and the Elf was proud that he could be part of their lives. Oh, the fun that he had over the years! He remembered how it started, with him at parties with the Barbies. Man, did things get wild! That’s when he learned what a Christmas Bender was. And then, when the kids go more aware, he began to hide in shoes, cereal boxes, and sometimes even the dog’s mouth.
And he loved hearing what the kids wanted every Christmas. Sometimes it was that special doll or Lego set. And other times it was a ninja throwing knife set that seemed like a super bad idea. And late at night, after the kids went to bed, Mom and Dad would tell them what they wanted.
“I don’t want to do anything this weekend. Can’t we sleep in?” Dad asked. The Elf granted that wish and the next morning the kitchen was destroyed, and the dog was lost.
“I would really love it if the kids did their laundry,” Mom said. Poof, a Christmas wish granted and all the pinks that replaced the whites made the holiday oh so special and festive.
The kids grew and he grew with them. Those little rapscallions decided that simply finding him wasn’t enough. So now they had to make special little traps. Cheerios covered with chocolate sauce and then nuked in the microwave for 10 minutes because someone pushed an extra 0. Wasn’t’ that fun clean up! Or when they put a snare trap and grabbed the cat instead. Oh, those howls are the music of the holidays. It truly was special.
But all good things must come to an end. And so, the Elf decided that this Christmas he would retire. He jumped in a cup to clean all the spilled chocolate and grubby fingerprints off of himself. He used cotton candy to wash his armpits and sprinkled some peppermint on his special parts so that he would smell good. Then he packed all of his gumballs, candied yams, and money that he had earned from his Barbie days. Mom and Dad said they had a very special farm to take him, too. A magical place where he could play in the fields with Farmer John. And oh, it had to be such a wonderful place because Mom and Dad had already sent two dogs and a cat there. Wouldn’t it be fun to see them again! And he left.
As he walked out the door in a garbage bag though, he heard the youngest child scream “I can’t find the Elf! It’s Christmas, he should be here already!”
Then he heard the Mommy say “Honey!”
Then he heard Daddy ignore Mommy and keep walking.
Then he heard Mommy say more sternly “Honey.”
It’s hard to say goodbye and the powers that be decided that maybe it wasn’t time to retire anyway. So as Mommy distracted the kids by throwing popcorn at them, Daddy dug through banana peels and crushed juice boxes and invited the Elf on the Shelf back to his home. In no way was Daddy super grossed out, despite the retching sounds.
And what do you know, there is the Elf right now. Why, he’s hanging from a light fixture with one hand? Oh, that magical little Elf. But be careful little Elf, and don’t get too close to that bulb. It would be a shame if you caught fire.
Just work hard this year and maybe the Elf on the Shelf can retire next year.
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The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad: Your Essential Manual for Being an Awesome Full-Time Father
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