I was looking for somewhere to get some new tires for my car, so I did what most normal people do. I hit up Google for some answers. Being new to my city, I wanted to choose a place with a good reputation, so my attention quickly turned to the Google reviews underneath each business listing.
I certainly wasn’t going to risk my car on a dealership with too many one-star ratings. And so I trawled through the comments trying to find the right place for me.
Well, one thing led to another. Being a guy who writes a lot about religion, I began to wonder if people leave Google reviews about churches like they do with other businesses. It turns out that they do.
A lot.
In fact, when it comes to churches, people have some fairly strong opinions on what exactly makes a good church and a bad church. And, what is more, they are more than happy to post a review about their church experience on Google.
Out of sheer morbid curiosity, I spent several hours reading the reviews on the churches in my city. Maybe I could find a new church as well as a place to buy tires. Let me tell you… there were some real doozies — from the brutal to the cringe-worthy to the downright absurd.
So, I’ve done the hard work for you and compiled the most weird, wonderful, disturbing, and, well… stupid, Google review comments that I could find about churches. Enjoy!
The food is crap
Some people go to church to meet with the divine, to commune with the creator of the universe, and gain some sense of existential purpose in their otherwise meaningless lives.
There there are those who go to church for coffee, cake, and avocado on toast. And well… if the food is not up to scratch, it doesn’t matter if we came face to face with the heavenly host during the service, I’m sure as heck giving your miserable, spiritual establishment a one-star rating.
It’s a lovely church, though!
I’m also trying hard not to be struck by the irony of a user named ‘Plant Based,’ suggesting McDonald’s as a good alternative for the church cafeteria.
This church is a bit too much like a church
I’m not exactly sure what Michael Keyers was hoping to get from his church experience, but he certainly wasn’t looking for a church that was like a church.
Maybe he wanted a church that was like a nightclub, or a country club, or a strip club. Who can say?
One thing is for sure, the church that Michael Keyers went to, reminded him a bit too much of church for his liking.
Two stars, and that’s being generous!
The disgruntled tradesman
Spare a thought for Damian Byrdy. He’s probably just some local tradesperson. Maybe he’s a plumber or an electrician who’s done some work at the local church building.
The church, obviously a bit strapped for cash, as churches often are, hasn’t exactly been forthcoming in pay their bill. In a last-ditch effort to get the church to cough up, Damian Byrdy has taken to Google reviews to make his plight known to the world.
Don’t do work for this church!
Voyeurism meets church
Now it’s time for something weird.
So, I’m not sure what else I was expecting in a church review from a guy called “Heywood Jablowme.”
But it seems that the one-star rating he afforded to the church he attended had something to do with a very strong suspicion that he was being watched while in the bathroom. Not that this bothered Heywood Jablowme. See for yourself.
This church is too happy
These people are frighteningly, fanatically happy. It makes me sick. In fact, everyone here is so happy it’s making me nervous.
Give me a church where the misery is real, and I’ll feel so much more at home. These people are clearly faking it with their over-the-top happy vibes, according to Kat Indi.
If wallowing in sadness is your game, then give this church a miss.
Two stars!
To be fair, toxic positivity is a thing, right? And plenty of church people act like they are living a victorious life, even it they aren’t. No one — not even the most faithful Christian — can be that happy all the time.
The shameless homophobes
These days, many churches prefer to keep their rabid homophobia under wraps, but clearly, the church that ‘aussie eds geek corner’ attended was much less discreet with their opinions on the LGBTQ Community.
I wouldn’t go to a church like this, either.
Good for the cool kids
Let’s face it. Churches can be difficult places to break into socially. Sometimes I think about wearing something fluorescent and technicolor to church just so people notice me — although that might just set the gossip mill in motion for other reasons.
Poor Andrew Cole would have given this church 4.5 stars if it had been a theater — a dark place where you sit in silence, watch a show, and talk to nobody. As for making forming meaningful relationships with people — best to give this church a miss.
Nice building; shame it’s a cult
You have to appreciate beautiful church architecture. After all, when you find yourself sitting through a sermon of pure heresy, it’s nice to know you can admire the stained-glass windows and the ergonomy of the arches and curves.
Heck, if you can put up with the culty vibe, it’s well worth a visit. Just ask Josh Rowland:
‘Normal’ children only, please!
Among the stupid and petty, a few reviews are positively heart-breaking — like this one from a lady named Carolyn Lamb-Miller, whose church of 4-and-a-half years was unable to accommodate her four-year-old daughter in their Sunday School program because she has Down Syndrome.
This church is clearly a place for ‘normal’ children only, sorry!
There’s something in the water
This next Google review definitely has the makings of a Hollywood script. I want to take this and present it to Stephen King, who would surely jump at the chance to turn it into a suspense best-seller.
Poor Josephine Walton innocently sent her kids along to this church’s youth camp when something fishy started to happen.
The kids all felt funny after drinking the water and mysteriously became much more compliant and open to the saving Gospel of Jesus Christ. Like the diligent parent Josephine Walton is, she took her daughter to get a blood test, and the doctor confirmed her worst fears.
The kids have been drugged… apparently.
And she still gave them two stars?!
Can you believe how understated her last sentence is? “I would consider a different church,” She says.
Josephine dear… if what you’re saying is right, I would consider reporting it to the police rather than mentioning it in a Google review.
Enough to send God deaf
Joanna Hue certainly didn’t appreciate the high-volume, high-energy, rock-concert style worship that is Planetshakers.
“Jesus healed a deaf man,” She quips, “But who will heal Jesus after he was subject to that obnoxious racket?”
Great church, if you’re not looking for God
If experiencing the love of God is not something you’re looking for in a church, then I might just have found the place for you.
Dillain De Alwis reports that this one-star church can put on quite a show for God, just don’t expect genuine friendships or any kind of manifest demonstration of God’s love for you.
Conspiracy theorists welcome
It’s no secret that Christians are more likely to be climate change denialists and believers in conspiracy theories in general. In fact, the more conservative a Christian’s beliefs are, the more likely they are to deny climate change… oh, and refuse a vaccine.
So, it’s nice that Costa Conn has found a safe church for “Christians” to come and partake in the communal denial of science while all giving each other COVID-19.
Name and shame
Why go to all the trouble of discreetly approaching the Christian brother who has offended you at church when you can name and shame them in a Google review?
That’s what Alf Coron did when he took exception to some goings-on at the lighting desk at the hands of one Ben Watsn… err… should that be Watson?
Yes, the whole church deserves a one-star rating because of the upstart on the lighting desk. And what exactly did Ben Watsn/Watson do? We are left to wonder. Were the lights too bright? Too dull? Too rainbow? Or was he playing footsies under the desk with some girl?
We’ll never know.
All we know is that Alf Coron isn’t happy, and the church better fix it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to leave my one-star review on this church as well and demand that the church speaks to Alf Coron about his inappropriate use of apostrophes.
What do we make of all this?
This is just a sample of some of the Google reviews I found from the churches around where I live. I’m sure you could find plenty more if you go looking.
Now, what are we to make of ‘Christians’ leaving reviews about churches on Google? Should this even be a thing?
On the one hand, some of the comments on this list demonstrate the worst of the church — exclusive, unwelcoming, unaccommodating of difference, stuck in its ways, emotionally unsafe, and brutish.
The church deserves to be called out for this.
On the other hand, some of the comments on this list demonstrate the worst of human nature — demanding, entitled people with unreasonable expectations who somehow believe the church should provide them with experiences that aren’t even part of the church’s core business.
These people deserve to be called out for this.
At the end of the day, there’s really only one review that counts when it comes to Christian churches, right?
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This post was previously published on Backyard Church.
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