First off, can we acknowledge how wonderfully clickbait that title is? No one even asked me to do that. This is what it looks like to be creative. Next, though, I’m going to tell you the question rather than make you read it all the way to the end. I’m simultaneously proud of my clickbait and ashamed at the same time.
What are the care responsibilities of each parent?
That is the question you need to ask right alongside finances, religion, and the ultimate choice of donuts. The problem is that none of us actively talk about care roles. Everything is based on assumptions, and this is where the problems start.
The baby will go home with mom, dad will take a week off work, and mom breastfeeds. And once the kiddo gets out of that newborn stage, those care habits are already settled. Moms feel overwhelmed and honestly, many dads feel sidelined and unsure of themselves. These can balloon into big problems, and you can see them over and over again.
Care Routines Start Early
I’ve told the story before that prior to my daughter being born, I was terrified that someone would swoop in and take her from me. Oh no, she’s crying, dad doesn’t know what to do. I knew then that you can’t get that bonding time back. That if I allowed that to happen, I would always have to fight the “dumb dad” stereotype. Hell, I still have to fight that stereotype, and I wrote a book on caring for kids.
So, when my first kid was born, I wanted everyone to get out of the way. I wanted to figure it out. And when you look at some of the numbers, many other dads do as well. This is where I again will refer you to the book Myths and Lies about Dads by Dr. Linda Nielson. Dads as caregivers aren’t written about very much, if at all. Instead, what makes it above the noise are all the things that some don’t do. And why wouldn’t they? I would be pissed as well if my partner didn’t take a night feeding, refused to do laundry, or came home and laid on the couch while I hadn’t had a moment to myself.
And if these things are accepted without being talked about in the very beginning, it becomes the norm. That’s why you talk about caregiver roles prior to having a kid. If you assume you will find yourself sidelined and both you and your kid will be worse off for it.
What Care Looks Like
Before we agree on who takes on what roles when it comes to care, we need to define what that care actually is. It’s a huge mistake when it’s all labeled as “kid stuff.” That’s too generic. That could imply everything from changing a diaper to planning for their college savings. That’s all kid stuff, right? And if I make a meal, am I also mowing the yard? Does the physical labor that is done around the house count as care?
Of course, it does, and I hate that it is often overlooked. When we talk about care, we need to expand our thoughts past one on one care with a child. Cleaning a living room that the child isn’t in counts as care as much as repairing a fence outside so that the kid doesn’t run into the street.
This is where we truly need to define care on a point-by-point basis. The purpose is not to scoreboard but to realistically look at what needs to be done and then come up with whatever agreement works for your family. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to this stuff. You have to decide what is equitable.
For example, my wife does the financial caregiving for our family. She leaves the house, fights traffic, and makes those deals. And yes, my wife and I include financial caregiving in our discussions. Her role there allows me to be the at-home dad and take care of much of the day-to-day.
That doesn’t mean she isn’t a parent when she gets home. We both agree that we work a full time job from nine to five. After that, we split parenting evenly. We make adjustments as we need. For example, I don’t throw the kids at her when she gets home at five. She takes thirty minutes to de-stress from her day, and I take the same amount of time after dinner. The kitchen gets cleaned, and we continue about our night.
We also agreed that my wife would take bedtime with my youngest. With my two oldest, we split that time, but by the time my youngest came along, I was writing more.
What I have found is that often one parent will feel like they are doing a lot, and the other parent will feel the same way. It was a shock when I talked to my wife about this the first time years ago. But when I listened, without judgement, I could see her point. From there on out, we openly spoke about our roles.
And none of those roles were attached to gender. Dishes don’t care what your biological make up is. They just need to get washed.
There are some things that we are both uncomfortable doing. She doesn’t like getting her oil changed because she is often talked down to. I hate dealing with the pharmacy. So we traded those off. Again, we are not score boarding or looking at who is doing more. We accept and appreciate what we both do and then try to find an equitable way so that one parent doesn’t burn out.
There is no easy answers to the caregiving question. Moms are burnt out, that much is clear. And many fathers feel unappreciated and sidelined. Both can be right at the same time. The question is how we move forward so that each parent not only handles their fair share, but supports one another as we do it.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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