“That’s just not who I am.”
“I can’t act like that in public.”
“I wouldn’t feel right doing that.”
My mind and body have been tense lately. They’ve been getting resistant to these thoughts, almost like when we get antibiotic-resistant when fighting a disease…
…
We’ve all had the moments when we speak like this.
I do it too, believe me.
Something feels off about it though.
Something feels restrictive. Suppressed. Inorganic.
Why do we say these things? Why would we impulsively decide what we will and will not do, say, or express in any other way?
Because we know ourselves.
We have a legitimate backlog of the type of person that we are. We speak a certain way and perform in particular ways, and our expressions of self come out repeatedly and consistently in a way that helps us recognize who we are and how other people see us.
This is identity.
And we find comfort in our identity because we have a good prediction of what it will bring us: love, understanding, power, money, excitement, adventure, or even space from others.
But what if I told you, challenged you, that your identity — who you claim to be now — is only half of who you truly are? Or even stunted? Immature?
Identity, character, personality
These are the things that make you feel good about your choices. They are the things that are intrinsic to your nature. They are what get you what you want in life, and connect you to other people.
-If you’re kind, you know that people hold you close, trust you, and reciprocate it.
-If you’re impulsive, you know you get adventure, excitement, and adrenaline out of it.
-If you are honestly blunt, you know that people don’t try to step on you, probably respect you, and see you as a leader.
I’m not saying you can’t do these things in a negative way, or they’re not manipulative, or they’re not risky in the sense of getting you physically or emotionally hurt.
But as you read them, I bet you know what happens when you act the way that you know best that gets you the best results from the world around you.
But what if it’s not?
What if there’s more?
What if your ‘skilled expressions’ are keeping you from getting things in life you just can’t seem to attain?
The wishes.
The hopes.
The desires.
The expanding trench you can’t seem to bridge?
What if who you are is not enough?
The half-identity you choose
I’ll argue that the first true identity that we are molded into is rarely the best one.
It’s built mainly on survival.
Not just physical survival, but emotional and social survival.
We’ve experienced the world in ways that have taught us what to stay away from, what to guard ourselves against, and what to attack.
It tells us what relationships will benefit us, what risks are worth taking, and what responses to the world will keep us inevitably safe.
It sounds like we’d all be the same, right?
Not exactly.
All of our traumas are different. All of our adventures are different. All of our opportunities and advantages are different. And because of that, our unique and diverse reactions to all of those experiences are what stack up this first identity.
That’s why our mentors and heroes can be so drastically different from each other. We all reach for the same feeling of happiness, confidence, and homeostasis in life, but from different beliefs and decisions.
Here’s the thing…
Just because someone ends up being a powerful CEO, inventor, or military commander doesn’t mean that they’ve also built a character free from dealing with insecurities or emotional needs or having superficial relationships and the philanthropic ability to give to their community.
Just because someone is an unbelievable artist, is an amazing friend who seems as great as a therapist, and constantly does volunteer service doesn’t mean that they have the confidence to build a business, stand up for themselves, or do more for their own existence than they do for others.
Both can become depressed, anxiety-ridden and feel unfulfilled for completely different reasons.
Our first identity tends to have traits that have love and respect for ourselves…but one that also limits us from having the traits that get us the other things we really want out of life.
The power of the other half
I think we can have our cake and eat it too.
Maybe that’s the whole idea of true self-discovery.
Have you ever felt stuck?
Have you ever seemed to have a problem earning what you want, creating what you want, building what you want, getting recognition of what you want, feeling love and community like you want?
These ‘lack of’ feelings stand at the edge of who we know we are.
And they’re unreachable not because we deep down don’t want them, but because they’re impossible to get beyond the identity that we have.
Think about it:
Suppose you want to look like a Greek god/goddess but you’re not a ‘gym person’ or you’re a ‘foodie’ or you think that gym life is ‘vain and obsessive’, you’re most likely just going to accept how you look and never get the body you want.
Suppose you want to build a thriving business that lets you leave your day job but you’re not someone who cold calls, or unashamedly puts your work or passions on blast, or asks people for help or investment. In that case, you’re most likely going to take what you can get from your day job and keep dreaming of something you’re not good enough for.
The point is that our first identity will never be enough to get the things we want later in life. As we all inevitably mature emotionally and intellectually, we’re going to come across things that we want that we may not have or have not seen before.
And to get things we want at new stages in our lives we have to step out of the comfort of an old identity and into a new one.
Even if we’re afraid of how we will look to ourselves and others.
Our survival mechanisms stunt us
If we’re really sweet and kind and we know we are then asking for things directly, demanding fair treatment, and proposing business investments is going to seem rude, tyrannical, and shallow.
If we’re highly respected for our advice, we’re disciplined monsters in the gym and in business, then most likely to be emotional, vulnerable, or even just to ask for help is going to seem weak and like we’re asking to have our throats cut.
What are both really?
Two sides of the same coin…or maybe it’s a cube?
But, both are just riddled with fear.
Fear of being something we’re not used to, even for the sake of getting something we want.
It’s why we hear so many stories of millionaires or artists attempting suicide. It’s why we see amazingly passionate people never make it and why thriving leaders die alone.
We’re afraid to be what it takes to get the things we wish we had.
Bringing the other half into the fold
Becoming more is just not easy.
We make the most of our strengths and traits that work and rarely work on our shortcomings and weaknesses.
So, what does it take to bring ourselves closer to the half? To embrace what feels so hard? The things our brains convince us aren’t right to think or act on?
I don’t know if I really have an answer for this.
Not because I don’t believe in it, but because I’m in the throws of doing it myself. I try to not speak beyond my own successes.
Then again, philosophy and theory kind of work that way.
Myself:
The identity I’ve always known has been considerate, kind, creative, abstract, and ‘others’ oriented.
It means that I’m easy to trust, that I’m there for others, and I speak and live at a level that is never intimidating or threatening.
It also means that I’m taken advantage of, I’m not seen as powerful, and I couldn’t convince a fly to land on shit. It means that people look through me more than at me. It means that I don’t carry an energy that creates intrigue but one of indifference.
And that’s a problem…
I want to be sovereign; to make money from my creations. I want to own who I am and the things I want. I want to write books and stand on stages. I want to help my family, create my own, and have powerful relationships. I want to find love and give it. I want to dance like I don’t give a fuck and speak my mind unfiltered.
But these things only come when I find practice and confidence outside of what I already know. Outside of the first identity and embracing the opposing one that seems so evil and scary from the current position.
What I do know?
Almost all of how I express and live now, is not going to work or what I want.
Kind and considerate isn’t a problem. I need assertive and decisive.
Taking life seriously and treading carefully is what I’ve always done. But what I need is to enjoy the fuck out of it and play the ruthless game just for the hell of it.
…
The truth is that our growth of self and our needs, wants, passions, and desires are inevitable….on the inside.
But it is very possible never to get them. And because of that, internally suffer more and more drastically on the inside when we don’t bring our external action and expression into sync with the demands of the internal self.
All because we are afraid of being something more than what we have been; more than the person we are in order to get what that person alone can’t get.
…
What I’m finding out is that you can look at this world, your existence, and your story as a game.
Or you can look at it as a vital, serious, suffering.
Both are right.
It just depends on who you are.
What you’re after.
And the full identity you’re trying to attain.
Truth and Love, Reader.
…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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