I woke up haunted. I often am these days. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to pick apart exactly why it’s so hard for me to let go beyond all the reasons I’ve already explored. I’m already aware of adult attachment styles, how trauma impacts the nervous system, and even how my particular history makes letting go especially challenging. But I started considering another line of thought.
Instead of asking why I can’t completely let go, I started to ask myself how I’m benefitting from holding on. What need is being met by this behavior? It came to me in those quiet early morning hours. Remembering a past where I loved and felt loved in return eases my loneliness and gives me hope that I will one day experience that again.
In my regular life, I am surrounded by long-term, happy relationships, and it’s hard to explain that I have been lonely most of my life. Even a marriage that spanned a decade and more was among the loneliest experiences of my life. I never felt fully supported and partnered. It was always me against the world. If I let go of the one relationship that made me feel happiest, what will that mean for me? If I cannot hold on to that feeling of joy, however fleeting, what is left but the ache of loss and loneliness?
It’s painful to write this. I’ve always been fiercely independent. It was a survival skill I cultivated and one that filled me with pride. I know how to be happy and fulfilled alone. So, sitting down and facing this is among my least favorite things. But I know that hiding from the truth will not change it.
On days when I feel content, the past remains at rest. I have created a beautiful life, and I revel in it. But on the days when my chronic illness sends my emotions on a rollercoaster or days when loneliness comes calling, my mind looks for a safe haven. When was the last time I felt safe and loved in a relationship? Even if it was a long time ago, my mind scrambles for that feeling, which brings the past into the present.
Letting go completely is a risk, but it’s also the only healthy way forward. While I’ve remained open to new love, in the absence of it, I can admit that I’ve held onto the memory of love. If I’m completely honest with myself, I can more easily recall the feeling of loving so completely. The feeling of being loved was fleeting, and it’s much harder to summon. Still, I try. My heart reaches, my mind stretches, and if I wake up feeling haunted, I know that I did this to myself. But understanding why helps me find self-compassion.
The path ahead is unknown. The path behind we know well. We’ve walked it too many times — once in reality and many times over in reflection. It’s hard to face uncertainty. It’s understandable that we find ways to avoid it.
I’ve always been tenacious. I fight for what I want. Perhaps that’s the other missing piece. It’s hard to surrender when resistance is how we’ve always survived. Letting go fully requires accepting what we do not want to be true and facing an uncertain future with courage.
Our patterns of behavior always have hidden benefits. Even the unhealthiest behaviors usually have a reason, and it doesn’t matter if it’s an illogical one. I’ve spent years looking at attachment, chronic illness, love languages, communication styles, and other aspects of relationships. But today, I woke up and asked myself what need I was trying to meet with this particular unhealthy behavior. Now that I have the answer, I turn my attention to finding other ways to meet it.
Necessary Steps to Letting Go
I’m also giving myself a reality check about the relationship I’ve held on to so tightly. This is important. When we want to truly let go and move on, there are a few things we need to commit to doing.
Look at the Reality vs. the Highlights
We need to look at the full reality of the relationship rather than the highlights. We need to be honest with ourselves. We might have moments where we felt loved, but if that was the whole story, the relationship wouldn’t have ended.
When I remember how often I was lonely inside the relationship, those times when my needs weren’t being met, then it’s easier to loosen my grip. We need to remember what went wrong instead of dwelling on what went right. This will also help us determine what qualities we want going forward and ones we’ve decided we can live without.
We Are Worthy of Love Already
We have to remember that just we’re still worthy of love even if someone in our past stopped loving us. Trying to hold on to that experience of romantic love is understandable, but if it brings the past into the present and challenges our ability to move on, it’s not helping us at all.
Wanting to feel loved is natural, but romantic love isn’t the only way to receive it. It helps to shift our focus to other relationships but to also accept that the need for a romantic partner won’t necessarily be eased by platonic or familial relationships. However, it might be easier to bear with additional support.
Face Loneliness
We need to face loneliness — the whole stinking ache of it. Single people are not allowed to express loneliness in society without a backlash of “love yourself” and stories of how to meet “The One”. Our feelings are invalidated in a wave of unsolicited advice.
It helps to remember that coupled people can feel lonely, too, but the reality is that they likely feel it less than we do. Staring into the void is far from my favorite pastime, but I also see the necessity of doing so if we’re ever going to stop masking the pain by invoking the past.
Feel the Feelings
There’s a certain amount of shame that can occur when we admit we sometimes hold onto the past like a security blanket. At least, that’s how I felt when I realized it. It felt pathetic to cling to something that hadn’t clung to me in a long, long time. But I will never be sorry for loving fiercely or having a hard time letting go. Over the years, I’ve cultivated self-compassion, and I know that it’s very human to want to hold on to good feelings for as long as we can — even if they’re long gone.
The human mind is a marvel. What saves us once can hurt us later. Experiences that made us feel whole can return and leave us feeling empty instead. But it’s equally true that we have the capacity to learn to surrender and accept. We can open up to love as well as loneliness. We can feel the full range of human emotions and wake up to do it all again the next day. We are not perfect, but we are growing and learning.
I’ve learned to feel my feelings, which sometimes means accepting there will be times that my mind will wander through the corridors of the past. I will hold a memory close for a moment and then let it be. I will accept that feelings are rarely comfortable, and that’s okay. Glennon Doyle once said we can do hard things, and I believe that.
Some days, I wake up haunted. I’m human, after all. My past is littered with lost lovers, old friends, and people I’ve loved who are long gone now. When someone visits me in thoughts or dreams, I don’t try to psychoanalyze the experience. Instead, I ask myself what it is I need. Then, I try to meet it with courage without having to invoke the spirit of what’s gone.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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