This Happened When I Gave Myself the Permission to Screw Up

I am a perfectionist. And, no, that is not a good thing.

I used to think that being a perfectionist was linked to being a genius. But it is not.

It is linked to fear, shame, and seeking approval. Perfectionism is nothing but masked-up insecurity.

I would do anything to avoid being seen as imperfect. Not because I wanted to do an excellent job, but because I was afraid people would not like the imperfect version of me.

Hard confession. I wish I could omit that last paragraph. But no, I want to suck, and I want to do things imperfectly.

If you are anything like me, you probably heard sayings such as, “give yourself permission to suck!”

And it may even sound cliché to some of you. It did sound cliché and stupid to me for a long time. But recently, something happened that made me deeply realize that I do need to give myself permission to suck sometimes. I cannot be perfect all the time.

I knew that before. But now I know it not just on an intellectual level. I know it deep in my guts, and it is becoming one of my core beliefs.

Here is how that happened.

What I Learned From Running English clubs

English is not my first language. So, I spent almost 3 years studying English and improving my writing skills.

I joined a center for learning the English language in my country.

After 2 years, I graduated and started teaching there. Never in my life did I teach anything to anyone. And never did I think, when I joined, that one day I would be teaching there.

But it was an amazing experience. I learned more as a teacher than I did as a student.

We have that thing that is called English Clubs. It is a way to practice speaking. For an English club to be successful, it needs to be interactive. The topic should be interesting to most of the group, and it (usually) should be controversial.

As an English club leader, you are responsible for creating a safe environment where people feel connected and secure. I know that may sound surprising.

But think about it. This is a group of strangers trying to communicate using a foreign language. So, the whole situation can be uncomfortable sometimes.

I was responsible for running those clubs for a while. I was responsible for connecting people and choosing topics that would engage them. I was responsible for keeping the conversation going.

It is not that hard, but it is absolutely stressful. Especially if you are a perfectionist.

During the first week, I wanted every English club to be perfect. I wanted to make people enjoy themselves and feel connected.

When an English club sucks, I beat myself up. I feel as if I’ve failed myself and the students.

If someone was quiet and shy or just did not like the topic, I would feel bad. I feel intense feelings of anxiety and shame. And I try to make things ‘perfect’ again.

But there was a moment that I still vividly remember. I looked at the people, looked at the window, looked at the people again, and thought to myself, “Hey, give yourself permission to screw up! You do not have to be perfect. ”

Give yourself permission to have failures and bad English clubs. So what?

I do not know how that thought appeared in my mind. Maybe I got sick of trying to do it perfectly. Maybe I realized that I would never do it perfectly anyway. Or maybe because the guys I was with were cool, and we felt connected and comfortable.

All I know is that, from that moment, I stopped seeking perfection in my English clubs (from myself and my students).

And that was not the best part. Since I’ve decided to give myself permission to screw up, I started running better English clubs that people actually enjoyed.

Ironically, when I stopped caring about perfection, my performance improved. When I was trying to be perfect (whatever that means), I did not do as well.

How I Started Applying This To Other Areas In My Life

Socially, I am trying to stop being a boring, perfect individual.

That means I am no longer interested in projecting a perfect image to the people around me.

I am willing to be not liked by some people and be OK with that. I am willing to act stupidly sometimes and not hate my guts because of it.

This is huge because perfection has affected me socially in a negative way. Perfection in social situations manifests itself as a way of protecting myself from getting hurt. Also, it is a way of gaining other people’s approval and impressing them.

I want to be perfect so that people do not see the real me. I want to be perfect so that people love me. And that is ridiculous because if they cannot even see the real me, who will they love?

In either case, it is about hiding who you actually are and putting up an act — an act that you hope would be perfect.

But people sense that. People can feel it when you are not being yourself. People do not like perfectionists because perfectionists are not real.

And as the old saying goes, “people are attracted to each other’s rough edges”. It is your imperfections that would attract people to you. Trying to pretend that those imperfections do not exist is a big turn-off.

So, give yourself permission to suck here as well.

Not every person has to like you. You do not have to seem like you have got your shit together all the time. Your conversations can suck at times. You can say stupid things occasionally and laugh at yourself.

Perfect is boring. Perfect is scared. Perfect is inauthentic.

As a Writer, This Is Very Important…

Last week, I did not write that much. “I am busy. I am also tired. I have other projects to work on. I will write more as soon as I find enough time and energy. After all, what work would I produce with this kind of energy? Poor work, I presume. People will not find my articles useful if they are not perfect.”

And that was a mistake. That was a lie.

Yes, I was tired and busy. But that was an excuse. I did not write because I was scared.

Some of my articles started to get some traction. As a result, I felt some pressure.

I felt the pressure to produce something better. And the definition of “something better” for me was: masterpieces and perfect articles.

But because I wanted to write “perfect” articles, I wrote nothing at all.

I tried to come up with topics, but I could not. And when I did find an idea, I could not even write an outline.

Many writers have been through this before. The only way out is to stop pursuing perfection and give yourself permission to suck.

By writing this article, I am telling myself to stop seeking perfection. To screw up sometimes. To confirm the idea that consistency is impossible with perfection. And only when you give yourself permission to screw up will you stay consistent. Give yourself that permission, and you will feel liberated, perform better, and make real progress.

Final Notes

I believe that perfection, at its core, is an attempt to gain approval and avoid getting hurt. It will not help you at all. Do not believe that perfection will help you do better work. It will do the opposite. It will keep you stuck.

What will help you do better work is, counter-intuitively, screwing up! By being comfortable screwing up, you are no longer after approval and are not afraid of getting hurt. You are free to be authentic. Perfection makes you fake.

So, letting go of it can actually get you better results. It can make you get hurt and lose some approval, but it is better than being a prisoner to perfection.

“I prefer being disliked for who I am than being liked for who I am not.”

However, that does not mean you should just go out there and screw up blindly. You still need to do your best. You still need to care and pursue excellence.

Yes, a lot of paradoxes!

When you stop trying to impress, people get impressed. When you give yourself permission to suck (but you still do your best), you end up doing a good job.

Paradoxes everywhere. I guess that is what life actually is.

Now, if you excuse me, I will publish this article as a way of allowing myself to screw up and stop seeking perfection.

I hope this was helpful

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

 

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