What started as a fairy tale, turned into a nightmare when I realized that my husband, John, didn’t complete me.
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The marriage didn’t meet my every need or take away my struggles, insecurities, or loneliness. Marriage helped in these areas, but ultimately, I am responsible for my growth. John didn’t complete me, and that isn’t his job. We are two complete people; we are just better together.
Waking up to reality, I learned three things that dramatically improved our marriage!
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But it took me a while to figure this out. Like every girl, I grew up on the fairy tale. Boy meets girl, falls madly in love, and they live happily ever after! (Insert record scratch here!) Life is not a fairytale and couples who not only love each other but like each other have figured out some things.
Waking up to reality, I learned three things that dramatically improved our marriage! Embracing them resulted in fewer arguments, less stress, and more fun as we enjoy each other more.
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1. He can’t read my mind.
The movie Inside Out has a scene that illustrates this truth in living color! Picture this: Dad, Mom and teenage daughter, Riley, are eating dinner together when her teenage hormones take over. Mom picks up on the nonverbal cues and tries to figure out what is going on, while signaling Dad, who seems lost in thought, to pay attention and engage. Dad’s eyes grow big as he has no idea what she is trying to communicate with “the look” and scrambles to say something helpful.
Every woman I know resonated when the scene shifted to offer a glimpse into Mom’s inner world–mind, thought, and emotions central–a panel of women who were dumbfounded that Dad wasn’t getting the clear messages Mom was sending. Dad and his central command men were oblivious at first, scrambled to figure out what “the look” meant, and were completely confused how they had missed the message. Meanwhile, the teenager stomped away angry and upset.
If you haven’t seen the movie, this simple scene resonates with anyone who has ever given or gotten the look!
Husbands, the honest truth is that we want you to read our minds; it would be easier. My husband, John, is relieved he can’t read my mind, especially given that I need a closet organizer just for my thoughts. John is grateful I have to filter my thoughts, ideas, feelings, and then share them in a coherent manner!
We had lived through that same scene, in 3D with our three teenagers, more times than I can count. During one tense discussion about curfews, I shot John “the look” that clearly said, “Back me up here.” He didn’t read my mind. Instead, he commented. “Well, I had a later curfew as a teen, and I think you are being bit strict.”
As fireworks shot from my eyes, I cleared my throat hoping to get his attention and telepathically communicate that he was “supposed to” support the curfew I set up. (Even though we didn’t discuss it and I had jumped the gun. Of course I was sorry, and if John had read my mind, he would know all this, and back me up.) Mind reading is not a superpower our husbands possess and the sooner we learn that, the better.
2. He doesn’t want to be my best girlfriend.
Learning this relieved a lot of pressure and tension in our marriage. John didn’t want to hear everything I was thinking and feeling. He didn’t need or want to discuss situations about our kids, family, inlaws–or any subject–to the nth degree, and then circle back in case we missed something. Nope, he was far more interested in the bullet points, the cliff notes, the “husband version.”My best friend and I can talk for hours, filling in details, offering commentary and insights on any topic. We can shop for hours, binge-watch Netflix, pour over magazines with the same interest and enthusiasm that we bring to conversations. John loves my best girlfriend, because she lets him off the hook from doing all these things. Once I learned that John didn’t want to be my best girlfriend, I got busy enjoying and appreciating him as my best man friend and husband!
3. He doesn’t want to do everything together.
Even the most extroverted, involved, engaging husband wants time alone and away from you, his lovely bride. He might want to spend it with the guys, the kids, his parents or even by himself. This is NOT a rejection of you. Embracing this will save you both from driving each other crazy.
We learned to communicate more effectively about our wants and needs.
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Guys do guy stuff. They like guy movies, laugh at jokes we roll our eyes at; they need some space free of coasters, pillows, tchotchkes, and girls! I am not trying to be sexist. I am simply stating that there are things wives are wise to avoid.
Life got easier, and our relationship got better when I learned that my husband’s desire for alone time had little to do with me. It was about his wants and needs. Now, when he watches the game alone in his man cave, goes to a ballgame with the guys, or sits on the terrace and enjoys a cigar in peace and quiet, I simply call my girlfriend and talk about it with her.
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Learning these three lessons dramatically improved our marriage. We stopped feeling pressure to be everything to each other, and to do everything together. We learned to communicate more effectively about our wants and needs. We each other grace and space and enjoy each other more as our relationship grows stronger. “You don’t have to complete me,” is a far more loving and realistic statement. Try it and see what happens!
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Susie…are you trying out for the World Series? This is about seven home runs in what gets accomplished in your writing. Even at 48+ years your words cause me to pause, ponder and purposefully retool some of my own ways. You invite us all to more. Thank you! Thanking our God for you…….some more!!! 🙂
Wes,
Your kind words touch my heart! I appreciate you and your support, belief, and mentorship through the years!
Glad I could give back a few hints to you who gives me and so many others so much!
Hugs,
Susie
Awesome article, Susie! If I could only read my wife’s mind… 🙂
our minds can be a scary place Nick!! LOL
Great piece, Susie!
Susie, you really hit the nail on the head. My husband and I are so proud of our marriage, but I still tend to fall into the same traps you mention above (especially #3). Thank you for sharing in such an eloquent way!
Thanks Micki! I love being married- well, most days! AND I too am proud of our 32 yr marriage! We worked hard to get here and still do when necessary! It really does get better and better as the years build on each other 🙂
This is so true! It’s taken me years to learn these lessons as well. But life is much sweeter now that we both have learned.
I sooo agree with you Vicky! Life does get sweeter as the years go by and our marriages grow strong! ?
This article shares what it can take decades to learn! Let him be the man you love. Let him be the man you need. Love him where he is. Thank you for this excellent article, Susie Miller!
That is key Wendy- letting him be the man he is! Can we still polish off the rough edges?? And yes- decades f learning- 3 so far for me!
Thanks for commenting!
Susie! This is great! I’ve only been married for 5 years, but these are things that happen, no matter the length of the relationship. I always expect my husband to read my mind, but he can’t. This is a great reminder and I really needed it today. Thank you for this.
I know right!!! What is the deal!? Maybe I should have a program “How to Sorta Read Her Mind!” Or “Decoding The Looks Your Wife Gives You!”
Glad my words helped you today!?
Oh.My.Goodness! John may not be able to read your mind, but you can read mine! Good to know how often this can happen in homes across America, even for wives who hang out a shingle as relationship coaches! If I had a nickel for every time my Jeff missed my telepathy, I could spend a month in Greece lounging by the sea!! It certainly saves so much time to put that idea to rest. Mind reading is never a strategy in any relationships, really. Thank you so much, Susie Miller…. this is great insight and experience for us all to… Read more »
A month in Greece lounging by the sea sounds wonderful AND a VERY reasonable payoff for years of dealing with missed mental telepathy! Gotta admit- I still try it sometimes- and he still Misses! Maybe it’s a girl thing- a chromosomal bonus! LOL
Absolutely – us professionals have all kinds of issues! We just talk about them more than most folks- much to the chagrin of our families! ?
Thanks for commenting! Glad you liked the article
This article speaks volumes! The intricacies are of course going to be different for every couple, however the bottom line is the point that both are still individuals. My wife and I enjoy doing so much together, yet we value our independent time as well. Susie, this information is good for us all! I didn’t understand this in my youth and it took me 15 years of marriage to understand this. I took what I learned into my second marriage and what a difference! I wish this knowledge could get into the hands of every young new couple. It would… Read more »
Well said Walt! Yes, nuances are part of every marriage and an important thing to remember. John and I love doing things together- and we love doing things on our own- as a young wife – I didn’t know that was okay:)
Thanks for your kind words – I too have learned by trial and error and an thrilled my article is helping others. Feel free to share it with any one you think will be blessed:)
LOVE this article. Thank you Susie! I love that both parties can find freedom for their selves in a marriage. Especially over time, finding something for your self is so important. We don’t have to wear matching clothes and do EVERYTHING together. It doesn’t hurt a marriage but help it. It gives you new things to talk about and maybe new things to experience together every once in a while. Which also brings up new things that you can learn about each other. I don’t know about most women but for me standing around a bar watching a football game… Read more »
Thanks Rosemary! I am glad you liked my article and found the tips helpful. When I let go of wanting John to be my best friend, like my best girlfriends were, we actually grew closer. The pressure was off and we enjoyed spending time together and apart! Being married is hard work, but oh so worth it!
Susie, this article is just more proof that you have earned the title, Better Relationship Coach! I always enjoy when I ‘catch’ your posts, but this one truly spoke to me. As someone married for 35 years, like most, I’ve learned some lessons through trial and error, and some lessons took longer to learn then others! These three tips alone are worth their weight on gold. I sure wish I saw this post many years ago! Continued success and please keep up the good work you are doing, it is likely making a difference, even if you don’t see the… Read more »
Jim,
Thanks for your comment and kind words of support! I do LOVE equipping folks to create better relationships in 30 days or less! I have learned that no matter how long we are married, (32 years for me) there is always more to learn. Making a difference fuels me everyday! 🙂
These tips are such helpful reminders. I so wish my husband could read my mind but alas… He can’t, and probably shouldn’t. Thanks for writing a great article Susie!
Thanks for your comment Jessica! I am glad you liked the article and hope it helps your marriage grow stronger! Mind reading can be both a good thing and a dangerous thing! 🙂
EXCELLENT article Susie! I wish I had read this 20 yrs ago. It would have made life so much easier. I learned this lessons thru trial and error, with way too many tears. Glad to have you on board the Good Men Project to help me skip rungs on the ladder as I navigate the waters!!
Thanks Jaree for your kind words! These are lessons I learned by trial and error, more error- quite honestly! And lots of tears too! I want to be a voice of hope and help for married couples all over the world!