Here’s some advice for older men on how to navigate the online dating scene while avoiding scams.
Let’s start with the photos that have to go
Women don’t respond well to pics of you without a shirt, in your bathroom. The wiser men have learned to post their shirtless pics as they are sitting in or leaving the pool or hot tub, which makes the shirtlessness necessary and shows off their chest in an interesting setting. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to see you in your bathroom. Certainly not before a first date.
The place to mention that you are a fisherman or hunter is in your profile, not posing with a huge fish shoved in the viewer’s face. Even fisherwomen, or other fishermen if you’re gay, are more interested in seeing your face, instead of the fish. Your face, no matter what you look like, is more attractive than a gaping fish mouth. If you pose with a fish you caught, hold it under your face and on the same plane as your body.
Then there’s your motorcycle. At least be in the picture with it, and preferably on it. I’m not saying there aren’t motorcycle enthusiasts who enjoy the view of a sleek, powerful machine. Of course, there are. Still, they got on the site to see you, not your toys.
Is it ageism or sexism for this article to criticize profiles featuring Harley’s without a rider, and huge trout or game? Maybe, but I’m just reporting what my friends and I encounter regularly when checking out the profiles of older men, and what we would rather see.
The photos you should use
We all post selfies on our profiles. It’s the quickest, easiest way to get photos. But don’t post more than one or two. Ask someone to take pics of you. Selfies seldom show your best features. Senior selfies are often shot from below, which flatters no one older. Also, for some reason, guy’s selfies are typically shot in the bathroom. See above for the rule on bathroom photos.
Perhaps for men in particular, it’s embarrassing to ask a buddy to take pics of you for dating sites. So ask a woman friend to take them. She’ll have a better idea of what women like to see, and she’ll probably be more excited to be your wingperson online than a guy friend would.
Take photos in a variety of clothing. If we only see you in t-shirts and cargo pants, we will have a certain impression of you. If that’s the impression you want, fine. But if you ever dress up, let us see. Many older women like a well-dressed man. Or at least one who knows how to dress up.
We like to see you in action. Some of my favorite profile pics of guys show them rock climbing, skiing, biking, and standing on or in front of a mountain. Photos in front of a tourist monument or with a beautiful view are good. See the photo of me below for an example. It’s a selfie I took in front of a sculpture in New York City.
Active photos also have the advantage of showing your full body — which reminds me, pics of you in the gym are an excellent choice.
Presenting an appealing personal appearance
I confess, this next one is my own personal issue. Many women love men with beards and mustaches. I prefer to feel your lips when I kiss you, not get a mouthful of hair. I can accept them if they are very trimmed and shaped well. Otherwise, to me anyway, they make you look unkempt. And mustaches that are too long tickle. And not in a good way.
A man with a long, scraggly beard and mustache. Photo credit: Prijun Koirala on Unsplash
Things to look for that could be scams
Men get scammed on dating sites nearly as often as women. Both get scammed because of naïveté, loneliness, desperation, and a strong desire for companionship. Men often get scammed with sex as the bait.
When the photo of the woman contacting you appears too good to be true, it probably is. I use FaceTune at times to smooth wrinkles, especially on the neck and décolletage. It’s usually something you can detect. In my selfie below, I erased my neck wrinkles but kept most of the facial ones. You can see where I did it.
Selfie by author with neck wrinkles smoothed away by AI. I left most, but not all, of the facial wrinkles. Photo credit: The author
When I do this, I also post unaltered photos as well for complete authenticity.
However, some photos you swipe right on, or receive, may be deeply altered, or even fully AI-generated, especially if the person attempting to scam you is actually a person in a call center in another country (which they often are). In addition to using AI, scammers steal photos from people online and post them on dating sites to convince you they are real people.
Here’s an example of an artificial intelligence — AI — photo I created.
AI generated by author on Shutterstock. Licensed by author
To avoid scams, look for bad grammar and spelling, as well as unrealistic photos. Also, if the woman insists early on that you form a mutually exclusive relationship — by asking you to get off the site and telling you they will too— they’re scammers.
Scammers quickly want to talk with you offsite so you don’t report them to the dating site and there’s no record of your communication. They will try to steal your information either by hacking or by persuading you to give it to them. They often do this by being overly flattering — love bombing and/or by appealing to your desire to help a damsel in distress. They will ask you to buy them something or wire money for a need or say they will use it to book a flight to visit you. Then they don’t show up.
Never, ever send money to someone online, for any reason. Even if the person is real, they will continue to ask for more and more money if you send some even once.
There are sites where young women seek actual “sugar daddies,” but those aren’t the kind I’m talking about. If that’s what you want, those are easy to find.
The sites I have tried are the established ones listed here:
Free dating sites
Plenty of Fish
OkCupid
Bumble (where women have to make the first contact with you)
Hinge (where several men tried to scam me, so I don’t recommend it)
Facebook Dating
Paid dating sites
eharmony
SilverSingles
I recommend the paid ones because there is at least a level of commitment financially, which might mean some commitment to the actual process. Also, they tend to have longer personality and preference forms, so the likelihood of getting matched with someone compatible is higher.
Click this link for the Forbes list of the top 10 dating sites for older people. It includes several that I haven’t tried, but reportedly have good reputations. The Forbes article also has advice on how to avoid being scammed, including this:
Watch out for red flags, including:
Being asked for money.
Being informed by the person of their financial hardships.
Being asked to share a compromising photo.
Being told to invest in a get-rich-quick scheme.
Conclusions
Post good photos of you, including ones taken by other people. Put yourself in every photo, and don’t hide your face. No bathroom shots! Ditto, no shirtless shots unless you’re coming out of a swimming pool, the ocean, a lake, or a hot tub. Otherwise, it’s just creepy.
Pose in more than one style of dress, unless you always wear the same thing. Show your interests and activities, both in photos and in your profile statements.
Look for signs that a woman’s profile is too good to be true. Is she too perfect, obviously way too young for you, or fake-looking? Then she’s AI or a scammer or both.
Please, please, please read the profiles. So many men message me based on a photo alone without reading my profile. I’ve been approached by men who are my polar opposite in every way — politically, spiritually, philosophically — because they didn’t take the time to read. Don’t be that guy.
So, put your best self and photos forward, look out for scammers, be authentic yourself, read profiles to look for areas of compatibility, and have fun!
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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