“Babe, do you think I’m cheap?”
My ex, Jamel, asked me this question one day after his brother called him “cheap” and his mother called him “greedy” during an argument they’d had. I didn’t know Jamel well enough yet to say that he was.
I only knew what I knew so far, he was generous.
But I started wondering if there was some truth to their claims so I paid closer attention. Slowly, I began noticing Jamel‘s obsession with money (and the status it brings).
He was very materialistic and very greedy.
I wasn’t.
Money became a point of contention between us, as I was devalued for not having (or making) enough of it:
I Was Forced to Grey Rock Him
My career was on the line and the narcissist was going to do everything he could to sabotage it.
medium.com
It was subtle at first.
So subtle you’d never even notice it because it was hidden in plain sight, and only displayed in two habits that would reveal what greed looks like on a malignant narcissist — when money is involved.
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1. He Kept Leaving the Bill Face-Up on the Table
Whenever he took me to a restaurant things always got weird when the bill came. He’d check it, before placing the money on (or in) it,
And then lay it between us.
Only now the bill would be closer to me than it initially was — and it would also be face-up.
(He made sure of it.)
This mainly took place at restaurants because that’s usually the setting where bills are left on the table for both parties to see.
At first, I thought nothing of it. Until he started doing something very… strange. Something that, to me, felt very calculating.
He’d open his wallet in order to flash the stack of bills he still had left. He then disguised this flex by acting as if he was simply trying to count the remaining amount.
He did all of this silently.
It gave me a weird feeling because not only was it awkward but he kept doing it as if he was trying too hard to appear genuine…
But it was clear he was doing this on purpose.
What Jamel was trying to do was flex how much he was spending on me, while equally making it clear how much less he had after the fact.
This was a grandiose devaluation method
Although he was looking for credit based on how much he spent, this gesture was also supposed to make me feel inadequate and guilty for taking (or accepting) his money — despite the majority of our dates being his idea.
(Remember, I wasn’t working at this time.)
If I failed to notice the bill or acknowledge it (which I always did because I was raised not to touch a bill I’m not paying for because it was considered rude) he would then draw my attention to it using this pathetic method.
I always expressed my appreciation but my gratitude was never enough. No matter what, he always gave himself credit in this unnecessary, theatrical way. And it looked and felt like bad acting.
No pun intended but… it felt cheap.
But it didn’t stop there.
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2. He Calculated How Much He Spent on Me — Publicly
This method usually took place at:
- movie theatres
- clothing stores (mainly)
Sometimes, when he’d take me out to buy clothes, as he did on that horrible shopping trip I detailed in the following article,
This Is What the Devaluation Process Looks Like
Here are four things the narcissist did to sabotage my appearance
medium.com
Jamel would stand off to the side, and start reading off the prices on the receipt, casually. Seemingly counting on his fingers the total,
Just to draw attention to himself.
He did this by:
- standing far enough away for it to seem like he wanted privacy but close enough to be noticed.
- counting loud enough to be heard but low enough for it to seem like you naturally overheard it.
But I knew it wasn’t.
(I could tell other people did too because of all the weird looks they kept giving him; along with the sympathetic faces they’d make at me.)
By now, I was beginning to understand that this was a not-so-humble brag. This was his way of making himself seem like a big shot by showcasing how much money he was spending on me.
It was also a very sneaky devaluation technique since his spending would be thrown back in my face at a later date because I couldn’t reciprocate his grandiose “acts of kindness”.
This is how I would learn that they were never genuine, from the start. This wasn’t about showering me with gifts from the heart out of love. This was about throwing me scraps to build his sense of self-importance.
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Greed Is a Key Part of the Narcissist’s Pathology
Every dollar Jamel spent on me had absolutely nothing to do with me. These were grandiose displays of his perceived self-importance being used to minimize me for being in a position where I couldn’t do a lot of these things for myself.
It should’ve come as no surprise because his entire family was materialistic. Not only were they money-minded, but they were money hungry. They constantly used each other,
In two very specific ways:
- They would ask to borrow money as a means to use someone else for theirs.
- The person being asked for the money would give it as a means to have leverage and superiority over the family member who needed it. (Especially his mom.)
His entire family determined each other’s values based on how much money they had and the material gain they accumulated because of it.
This was a neverending competition among them all that showed me the codependent relationship narcissists have with money;
And why their attachment to it causes them to use money as a tool to achieve,
- power
- respect, and
- a higher social status
Because money is power.
Greed is usually prevalent in the narcissist’s family dynamic and it was especially so in Jamel’s family.
As I just mentioned, the main person in his family who was like this was his mother, Pat. She was a very greedy narcissist who bragged about being a golddigger. She also used both of her sons for what she could get from them.
She felt entitled to the riches of others and superior to those she lent money to. Jamel, naturally, became a product of this environment. He was just as greedy and equally entitled.
I highlight some of these bold behaviors when they started appearing in our relationship — specifically during the holidays,
In the following article:
Exposing This Humiliating Holiday Devaluation Technique
Many narcissists will do this around the holidays — because it’s the only time they can.
medium.com
These habits and behaviors being displayed were simply different ways his conditioning played into his narcissism.
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These Weren’t Financial Acts of Love
This was about maximizing his self-importance while devaluing me by treating me as a charity case.
Doing nice things for me was Jamel’s shortcut to gaining bragging rights, while physically (and financially) supporting the smear campaign that I couldn’t do the same and therefore wasn’t worthy of him.
My financial devaluation showed me how money enables narcissists to:
- devalue their victims
- maximize their inflated sense of self, and
- minimize their supply
All while doing seemingly nice things for us.
The power of money also plays a role in their tendency to do these things publically, the way he did at the restaurant and the clothing stores.
He was putting on a show for bragging rights.
This was about impressing the outside world,
By making me his charity case.
He wasn’t concerned with impressing me because he had already deemed me financially inferior to him because of my inability to contribute as his partner since I didn’t have a job yet.
Every dollar he spent on me was,
- a manipulation tactic
- a devaluation technique, and
- a way to minimize my worth to boost his grandiose self-image
… But it was never about genuine love.
Every kind thing he did for me financially was strategically designed to do two very specific things —
- show how much of a “savior” he was in my life (especially because I never asked him for his money or his “favors”)
- prove to others how little I could do for myself.
He was maximizing himself while minimizing me.
I was being gaslit through financial abuse.
He was actually devaluing me by doing “nice things” for me.
Go figure.
About Me — Linda Sharp
The writer who has to write in order to stay alive — I am not kidding.
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© Linda Sharp 2023. All Rights Reserved.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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