On November 10, 2017, we published an article entitled “A Watershed Moment in Our Country’s History and Culture.” That “watershed moment” was the #MeToo Movement.
That night, CNN hosted a Town Hall Event, Tipping Point: Sexual Harassment in America, a live one hour TV special that was moderated by anchor, Alisyn Camerota. The powerhouse panel that evening included Anita Hill, Former Congresswoman Mary Bono, Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, #MeToo founder, Tarana Burke, actress Jessica Barth, and actor Matt McGorry. I was thrilled to be in the live audience on behalf of The Good Men Project, and I even got to ask a question to the panel:
“This problem isn’t going to be solved without a lot of men playing an active part in the solution. So my question is: For men seeking to end sexual harassment and abuse against women, how would you like to see them show up as active allies?”
Nearly five years later, far too little has changed.
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This weekend, while scrolling through the slightly more breezy then the usual weekday business-centric fare on my LinkedIn feed, I came across a disturbing post by Mariam Elghani, the California-based female founder of Mariam’s Garlic Goodness about a recent experience she had at a large natural product industry conference:
I was asked to have sex 5 times at the #expowest #expowest2022 event, and one man tried to force himself on me this morning.
**Please share this post if you want change**
3 of my female Founder friends were advanced in a sexual manner as well while on the floor – men saying their success was only because they are beautiful with big luscious lips. A man last night asked me and my friends if we are dominant or submissive in bed
. . . .
I’m really angry, I am really sad, and I am really f*king fed up.
~ a very frustrated female entrepreneur
If this kind of thing is still happening to businesswomen, five years later, it’s incredibly upsetting, frustrating, inequitable, and unfair. And it is fair to question if we have made any progress at all in the past five years.
Sure, we know – from the numbers alone – that the inequitable treatment of women in business, in terms of pay disparity, promotion, representation at the executive levels, etc., is nowhere close to being “solved.” But on this front, many surely are thinking, “Well, it takes time, and we’re heading in the right direction, but slowly. Relax. Change takes time. We will get there.”
But if women are still facing this level of sexual harassment while working and trying to do their jobs, will we get there without making serious fundamental changes?
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First, the very most I can say is that we are headed in the right direction (maybe), but far far too slowly. In my view, a big reason for the lack of progress is the failure of men to show up as active allies.
Too few men are speaking loudly and helping to shut down and change the unacceptable behavior of their peers, to make it unacceptable, to make it uncool.
This problem isn’t going to be solved without a lot of men playing an active part in the solution.
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We have all been in locker rooms and bars.
We know that while there may be a relatively small number of truly abusive men they are protected and enabled by a culture of silence and acceptance and high fives.
It is long past time for all of us men to step up. It starts by talking about it. But it also requires taking action.
It is not enough for men to shrug and say “well, some men are still cavemen.” In other words, Sure, there are some bad guys. But I’m not “that guy.” I’m a “good guy.”
Certainly, don’t be “that guy”:
Most guys don’t look in the mirror & see a problem. But it’s staring us in the face. Sexual violence begins long before you think it does. #DontBeThatGuy pic.twitter.com/78B05S5lRk
— Don’t be That Guy (@ThatGuyScotland) October 13, 2021
But it’s going to take a lot more than that to fix this. It’s not enough to not be that guy. Blaming the problem on “other men” who aren’t you is really no different than a police chief shrugging and saying “a few bad seeds” are the one’s shooting unarmed Black men. No. It is an institutional problem. A cultural problem.
What will move the needle here is for more men to step up in every day life at work and outside of work in public and private (all male) spaces.
True leaders have an incredible opportunity to model the right behavior from the top down and to effect powerful large-scale change in their organizations and industries.
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Stepping up and speaking up is not hard to do. But it does take going against the (incredibly harmful to both women and men) cultural grain that we grew up with. It takes addressing a difficult subject with your peers, instead of remaining silent.
So, you want to be a tough guy? Great. Here’s your chance! Be brave. Be strong. Be tough.
(Here are some tips on how to do it.)
This takes some guts. But, there is – as they say in sports and investing – tremendous upside potential. True leaders have an incredible opportunity to model the right behavior from the top down and to effect powerful large-scale change in their organizations and industries.
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Second, the #MeToo movement has been slowed by a powerful counter-movement that is focused on “men losing” some imaginary zero-sum game.
We can see it in online conversations. Men arguing that they are the victims here or minimizing the harms by referencing those olden days where women just had “thicker skins.” (Note to them: Talk to more women. Ask them.)
If we can’t even have the conversation, change is impossible. For this reason, its up to men to relax, listen, and try not to react or defend or respond with “Not All Men!”
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This shouldn’t be surprising, but it is nonetheless troubling and presents a true obstacle to necessary change. If you speak to anyone trying to make a big cultural change, you will quickly learn that one of the most powerful obstacles they face is the very person doing the harm getting defensive and making themselves the victim. This can have the effect of shutting down the conversation entirely. In the context of racism, this is referred to as ‘white fragility.’ The bottom line point is that this means we are more offended being called “racist” than we are about racism. That’s a problem.
We often see this same type of defensiveness (and the same shutting down the conversation outcome) when talking about issues relating to so-called “toxic” masculinity. Perhaps we should call it “male fragility.” Fragility can be a very effective way to prevent change. After all, if we can’t even have the conversation, change is impossible. For this reason, its up to men to relax, listen, and try not to react or defend or respond with “Not All Men!”
This counter-movement is also organized and strategic. It is no accident that the phrase “cancel culture” has become a rallying cry that more often than not protects wrongdoers from accountability that they deserve. Personally, I’m not a big believer in cancel culture:
Can folks sometimes rush to judgment without having all the facts? Sure.
But what is usually labeled #cancelculture is just the hard fact of accountability in a society. Of their being repercussions for bad acts, and yes, for bad speech.
It’s a good thing.
/27
— Michael Kasdan (@michaelkasdan) February 7, 2022
These days, it seems that the anti-“cancel culture” movement is more powerful or at least louder than the #MeToo movement. That’s another big problem.
Because what is required is large-scale culture change, not only in the area of #MeToo for women, but in other related areas. As Kai Nortey, another female entrepreneurs in the same industry (she is the CEO and Co-Founder of kubé, an artisanal and vegan coconut ice cream womanfacturer) explained, the problem is not “just” a problem for women, it is a systemic and institutionalized culture of abuse that will not change without a lot of hard work:
The greater issue we are all witnessing, are institutions (e,g., all of the food industry expos/conference) that foster and exacerbate ‘systems of abuse” that promote ill behaviors and policies that foster sexual harassment and racial and gender inequities. These systems of abuse also create expensive admission policies and barriers to entry, that prevent BIPOC founders of plant-based food brands (with demand and traction) from engaging in business. BIPOC founders are being locked out of all these food expos and plant-based food expos because the costs are too high to participate. Most BIPOC experience barriers to accessing capital for their business and can not afford the minimum $7k table/ booth. This is all set up by design in an attempt to maintain the status quo, ever since the origin of these conferences, to intentionally place financial and social barriers in the way of both women founders and BIPOC founders.”
To make the progress we need to make, we need to do a better job as allies focusing on moving forward on the #MeToo movement (and related movements against systems of abuse) and not get bogged down in the “cancel culture” noise. At base, rallying around “cancel culture” is a strategic mechanism to protect the powerful and to preserve an unacceptable status quo.
“Hope isn’t something you’re given . . . . It is an action.” – Amanda Gorman
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Men, we need to do better by Mariam Elghani.
We need to do better by our mothers, our sisters, our daughters.
But we also need to do better by ourselves.
And our fathers, our brothers, our sons, and our friends and colleagues.
Five years from now, when we take stock of where we are at, I hope we are in a far different place. But passively hoping isn’t going to get us to where we need to be.
As Amanda Gorman recently said, “Hope isn’t something you’re given, it’s something you practice. It’s not an object or a noun that I can buy or demand of somebody to bestow upon me. It is an action.”
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This post has been republished to Medium.
Photo Credit: Shutterstock
I completely agree with what you have written. I hope this post could reach more people as this was truly an interesting post.
What can I do to help? is a question every decent man should ask and then act.