Ever had your sleep interrupted by the morning light, the birds at 4 am singing away on a hot summer’s day?
Ever been disturbed by a party next door that prevented you from getting a good night’s rest? Have you been the one to replace sleep with a party?
Do you nap?
Go on, tell me more about that nap…
Before Motherhood
I was spoilt into receiving a little dose of involuntary sleep loss when I lived with my 3-year-old niece. She had a consistent 6:30 AM wakeup time. Even on weekends! Turns out children don’t care what day of the week it is.
I remember begging her to take a nap just so I could on more than one occasion. One time I spent 2 hours trying to get her to sleep. It was useless. I was exhausted.
I’m now an early morning person thanks to her. I experienced trauma and my subconscious decided 6:15 would be my own wake-up time from then onwards. Thank you, beloved niece.
I believed I had passed the parenting test by adapting my body clock. Babies slept until AT LEAST 6:30, right?
Becoming: Mother
The baby came I never slept again.
The end.
Ok, seriously…
The baby came and our days turned into a timeless blur.
Photo by Guillermo Latorre on Unsplash
My husband and I took shifts to sleep while the other hanged with Andriel. We’d wake each other up, (sometimes the one supposedly asleep would wake the one supposedly awake up, but let’s not focus on that).
I’d get a couple of hours’ sleep while Hubby had Dri on his chest as he tried to stay awake working/playing on the console in his office.
Dri would wake up at X time and it would be my turn to take over as he’d normally need breastfeeding.
Hubby tells me of a time he came upstairs with our son in the middle of the night and woke me up so I could feed him. I apparently sprung up and informed him I’d fed him already and that he was in his cot, while pointing at the empty cot next to me.
Devonte apparently made an attempt to correct me, looking down at his son who was lying in his arms, but then I told him he was feeding already, and I positioned my arms as if I was holding a baby.
Then I woke up and found myself sitting up, Hubby holding Baby, doubt clouding his face as to whether he should trust me with our son or not. I was confused, he was confused. He informed me that I had just had an entire conversation with him, and I laughed.
He actually asked me some basic questions to test whether I was awake for a few days thereafter.
This went on for maybe the first 6 weeks of his life until the dreaded day came.
Mother Goes Solo
We sat down and informed our son of the change that was coming with Daddy going back to work. Daddy was no longer going to do night shifts and he was going to be gone for most of the day, every day.
Our son adapted well to change and learned to sleep on his own right on cue while mummy skipped and pranced her way through home life in her pyjamas sipping Prosecco.
The end.
Ok, seriously…
I nailed a bedtime routine. He got the Platinum spa treatment in the form of a baby massage with coconut oil and relaxation music playing in the background. Then he’d be bathed, fed, cuddled, and put to bed for the night.
It wasn’t enough.
He didn’t sleep much during the day either unless he was lying on me.
This boy was stubborn. In a way, his utter determination to sleep on me was admirable.
Photo taken by author (Sylvia Emokpae)
Hubby was at work now so it was up to me to tackle the sleep deprivation and moodiness. I became irritable and cranky, not to mention exhausted.
I missed appointments because I was so tired I didn’t think it was safe for me to drive.
I’d often wake up in the morning and find our son on my chest, but there was no memory of me placing him there. I was scared of the fact that my mind would decide these things for me while still asleep.
I read so much online about teaching your newborn to sleep and self soothe, but whatever I tried failed.
Sleep deprivation got in the way of embracing love in all its forms. I was a zombie.
When Sleep Deprivation Got Serious
Everything that went wrong like being unable to cook or clean seemed like a failure.
I was overwhelmed with stress and I knew a good night’s sleep would turn my anxiety down considerably. And I just wanted a hot meal, was that too big of an ask?
I honestly thought our baby was just a bad sleeper. But I also knew we had to turn that around for my own sanity, not just his.
But I had my reservations around sleep training for the following reasons:
Because of its negative association with the crying-it-out method. I did not want to scar my baby.
I got so many seemingly reassuring comments about how normal it was and to ride it out. I felt like I was expected to just accept this temporary but very long injustice.
I felt asking for help from a specialist was admitting that I was a bad mother for not knowing how to teach my son to sleep.
Nevertheless, sleep became more important than integrity.
Help is Good
- I had two options:
- Carry on suffering.
Ask for help.
I decided help was the solution.
By this point, Andriel was waking up every few minutes having dropped his pacifier and only settling on my chest, squashing my boobs, and depriving me of deep sleep.
There is so much advice online and many consultants you can call upon to help teach your baby to sleep. A good friend recommended us a specialist so we looked no further and contacted her.
The expert guided us from the start with a phone call consultation. She explained what it meant to learn how to sleep, and talked about the misconceptions around sleep training and “crying it out”. The program we chose was a full 2 week period with details of the methods we would use to teach our little one to self soothe and fall asleep on his own.
She was friendly, approachable and professional. She understood our concerns and went straight to work.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
The misconception around sleep training is the assumption that surely babies know how to fall asleep, and thus training seems too strict and militant.
And some babies do learn, and there are things parents can do to teach them early on so they don’t have to do much when they’re older. Some don’t even realise that what they are doing is teaching their child to sleep.
My issue all along was that I was using the same techniques I had learned for my newborn when he was no longer a newborn, but a baby. There is a difference. Where breastfeeding, using a pacifier, and rocking were useful to Andriel up until he was 8–12 weeks old, he eventually outgrew them.
We had to teach our son to take comfort in his cot by letting him fall asleep in it, and wake up in it.
Our son within 2 weeks, at 5 months of age, was napping 3 times a day on his own, consistently, and having just the one wake-up for a feed at night.
I kid you not — when I actually got a solid 6 hours sleep,
I repeat,
6 hours sleep,
without interruption,
I felt like I’d been treated to a spa holiday. I remember waking up naturally in the morning feeling like myself again. I felt refreshed.
I was scared of getting help from someone who didn’t know my son because what if they got it wrong?
What if it made his sleep worse?
What if we scarred him for life?
I’m telling you, most sleep experts have seen it all. They have different approaches and the programs are flexible enough that it’s easy to tweak along the way.
Our son dropped the one night feed when he was around 9 months old, all on his own. He’s now 22 months old and naps once a day, and sleeps 7–6:30 most nights. Even when he’s sick, he sleeps. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, he goes back to sleep on his own without crying or getting upset.
Last Words
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
This was a fundamental lesson for me — I lost my sleep for a brief period of time and never again will I take that liberty for granted.
Sleep is necessary to ensure the rest of your life is good. I had to get it sorted before the rest of my life became dull and unenjoyable.
The easier option sometimes is the better one. Getting my sleep back meant I could focus on other things and start new projects, like my writing.
So, if you feel you need help to teach your child to sleep — don’t listen to anyone else, and ask for help.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Sylvia Emokpae (Author)