There is no objective reality, only what each of us perceives. Nowhere is this more apparent than in your marriage. As I’ve long told my clients, unless you have recorded a conversation, the two of you will never agree on what was said. Dissecting the tone is even harder. So, it just ends up being an exercise in futility and frustration to rehash the past.
But what you take away from any encounter with your wife is up to you. And that’s particularly important to understand now that you’re spending so much time together under stressful conditions.
It’s a distressing function of the human condition that people pay more attention to the negative things in their lives than the positive ones, even under the best conditions. And as you’re sheltering in place with each other, the saying familiarity breeds contempt springs to mind. Because these aren’t the best of conditions.
So, what is it you choose to believe about your wife? Does she get the benefit of the doubt? Is she seen as acting out of love or do you judge her in some harsh and negative way?
Believe it or not, no matter what she is doing, the choice of how you see her is yours. Your behavior towards her will then reflect that choice. She will then choose how to interpret your behavior and react accordingly. This unhealthy pattern frequently leads to a race to the bottom with your marriage losing.
But what if you decided to believe the best about your wife’s behavior? What if you decided to put a positive spin on her actions? Would that change things? In a word, yes.
Most of the time your negative interpretation is an assumption. It’s likely you don’t put your version of events to the test. You know what’s true because that’s the story you’ve decided on. A big question is why. Why is the story you want to believe the one that puts your wife in the worst possible light? How is that loving? And, more to the point, how is it impacting your marriage? (And, yes, I know she is doing the same thing to you. That doesn’t make your choice any better.)
So, I’m going to challenge you, just for today, to change the story you’re telling about your wife. Then let me know what happened. I think you will be surprised.
What’s your biggest challenge with your wife in the time of COVID?
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Previously published on foundationscoachingnc.com.
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