Which Avoidant Attachment Style Does Your Partner Have?

Avoidants are like the distant, emotionally withdrawn parent you had growing up. Or the one who was always on an emotional roller coaster ride that left you guessing what you were in for.

Either way, it’s sometimes a shitty situation.

It’s not that avoidants are bad people or to be blamed for everything, but navigating a relationship with one can be a challenge… to put it lightly.

But what exactly is an “avoidant?” And how many variations are there?

A person with an avoidant attachment style exhibits traits associated with emotional absence, distance, or fear of intimacy. As their name suggests, avoidants are professionals at avoiding their feelings, emotions, growth, and expressing themselves in relationships.

Attachment theory describes the subtle (or not) experiences in childhood that impact adult relationships

Avoidant attachment is merely one characteristic of attachment theory. Which in summary, explains the nuance and complexity of how people form emotional bonds and relationships.

And it all started in early childhood. People respond to external stimuli differently and develop insecure attachment styles in response to the behaviors of emotionally immature parents.

This shapes how we form relationships in adulthood.

Some people are more secure in themselves, while others are more preoccupied and anxious about relationships and how others perceive them. For other people, as I plan to describe, avoidants are more concerned with themselves and tend to shy away from closeness.

It doesn’t mean they don’t form connections or get into relationships, but these bonds are usually shallower and surface level.

The interesting thing about all this is that the two attachment styles attract each other, which is why most relationships end up in this anxious-avoidant dynamic that is often dysfunctional.

Because the more insecure both people are, the more they’re controlled by their conditioning, which makes for “interesting” situations…

What it’s like to date avoidant individuals

Some are emotionally distant even when they appear interested.

It’s a rather confusing phenomenon. Whether or not they’re a Fearful-Avoidant (FA) or a Dismissive-Avoidant (DA), they tend to have a lot of overlap in the ways they behave. And even anxious people have avoidant tendencies as well.

You’ll wonder:

“Why is it when we get close they pull away?”

“Why do they act like they’re one foot in and one foot out?”

“Why did they suddenly ghost me and leave?”

There’s often a lot of mixed signals and emotional unavailability. You’ll be dating someone who is hyper-independent, guarded, or standoffish.

And they might have been the type to love-bomb you or make you feel like the most important person in the world, and then they pull away and you never see them again.

It’s just very difficult to understand what the hell happened and what you could have done differently to “make things right.”

When everything about attachment theory seems to “make sense”

What I’ve found eerie, and a bit unsettling is how accurately attachment theory explains certain behavioral patterns.

Throughout the past few years, I’ve researched and studied a lot about this theory. I always learn something new. Every time I reflect on the patterns in my own behavior especially ones with certain partners, I get goosebumps knowing I’ve just uncovered something like the “hidden blueprint” behind why my relationships played out a certain way.

Then I’ll listen/watch videos of people who are well versed on this topic, and it’ll sound like they’re describing my ex(s) to the “T.”

These attachment behaviors are deeply enmeshed in one’s psyche. Often, we’re quick to assume everyone just behaves randomly and out of their own volition (whether it’s kind or not).

But this isn’t really the truth.

For example, fearful avoidants don’t oscillate between extreme intimacy and distance for no reason. And dismissive avoidants consciously would love to be more intimate, but there’s a subconscious barrier.

So they just play out their conditioning unaware of what’s going on.

However, that doesn’t dismiss or excuse the fucked up things they might do. i.e. someone who flippantly discards a long-term relationship or abuses their partner still had a choice.

They don’t get a pass just because they’re conforming to their attachment style.

Even if there’s nothing you can do about their behavior, knowing these patterns can often be the missing ingredient in healing from these dysfunctional habits.

You will date different variations of avoidant people

So we know how it feels to date avoidants. The type of emotions you might feel from dating these folk range from guilt to anger, or even euphoria and love.

This is how you quickly identify what avoidant attachment style your partner has.

Dismissive Avoidant

At first, they seem stoic, grounded, independent, or unaffected by their relationship status — that is whether or not they’re single.

Don’t be fooled by their outward appearance.

Because they might look secure, deep down their self-esteem is fragile and nearly non-existent.

Their independence may seem attractive, but you’ll quickly learn that they use that as a way to build walls around others. If they feel “unsafe” they’ll retreat into their hobbies, work, or socializing instead of confronting their emotions.

In short, intimacy is a real challenge and they’ll shut down or straight up pull out of a relationship if necessary.

Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized attachment)

Imagine the traits associated with someone who has an anxious attachment style AND a strong dismissive avoidant attachment.

As a side note:
Individuals with anxious attachments are triggered by fear and act the opposite of avoidants. They experience fear and then seek closeness, whereas avoidants get their fears triggered and pull away.

Anxiety leads them to seek emotional reassurance. That can be overwhelming for their avoidant partner. For them, fear just motivates them in different ways compared to avoidant people.

Which just results in over-investment, something that even I battle within relationships.

But the FA behavior is rather…hot and cold.

It’s a roller coaster ride. You can easily get wrapped up in their love-bombing and their infatuation with you.

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic. It’s common with people who have avoidant or narcissistic tendencies.

It’s often unintentional, but it’s still indirectly abusive or toxic. The person on the receiving end is overwhelmed with excessive affection, compliments, or attention in a short period. The intensity of the love can be intoxicating and often creates a dependency on the other person.

It’s like a drug addiction. Unconsciously, once the “love-bomber” realizes they’ve got you hooked, the love and affection is withdrawn or drastically reduced.

I’ve heard things like:

“I really want you to meet my parents.”
“We should move in together and adopt children.”
“I’m training to be your housewife.”

All this was within the first few weeks of dating.

In a different scenario, a girl made me this little good luck charm and gave me things from her collection of bones (that was her passion). Those trinkets made me feel loved.

It’s hard to explain, but the things she said and did came on strong, and I felt like she truly cared about me.

In short, everything always felt intense with fearful avoidant partners. The chemistry will feel “off the charts.” Whether that’s really love-bombing or not is irrelevant, but what happened after is the important part.

But here’s when they pull away and act like a dismissive avoidant:

When you ask for commitment (i.e. defining or labeling the relationship).
If they feel things are getting too close.
If they feel betrayed (which is often not based in reality).

Awareness is the tool to navigate avoidants

Since we know what these behaviors look like, you’ll have a better understanding of when they may shut down, pull away, or leave the relationship.

It doesn’t make it easier if they do leave or hurt you, but greater understanding DOES lead to growth.

For myself, self-reflection and an understanding of attachment theories have helped me set better boundaries with avoidants in dating. I’m not perfect, but it’s been a little bit easier to stop myself from over-investing.

I realized I had to be a little more aggressive with my boundary setting by giving fewer chances. I’ve written more about how to do this here:

Plus, knowing the red flags or the early symptoms of avoidance really lets you know whether that person you’re dating is the “right” one. Because it’s better to disengage NOW than months or years later.

And if you know the signs and their limits, you’re less likely to get carried away with your expectations. Everyone has limits in their ability to handle stress, but avoidants are usually ill-equipped to handle relationship problems.

Knowing keeps you from disappointment.

If they’re going to disappoint you, it’s better to know when or where instead of being blindsided by it.

And there’s a lot of other reasons why you should know how to differentiate the behaviors of avoidant partners, but what I’ve found to be the most helpful is how validating attachment theory is.

Once I read the stories and watched the videos, I knew I wasn’t alone. These feelings of self-blame, self-doubt, and self-criticism that I experienced are normal, but not my burden to bear. It’s just a cathartic experience that helped me grow.

How certain aspects of love play out with avoidants

Sexual intimacy

Ah yes, the “fun” part to talk about.

I’m not going to go through EVERY relationship or sexual experience, but there’s been a typical pattern I’ve noticed…

As a reminder, DAs are a bit more “demure” in their personalities. Things aren’t always black and white, but this is what I’ve noticed. The fearful avoidants I’ve dated were always a bit intense or “unhinged.”

Sex is the physical expression of emotion.

Thus, your partner’s attachment style will contribute to the bedroom. It’s not the only factor, but think about it, if you’re disconnected and not present, that will translate into the sexual realm.

Less emotion = Less passion

Dismissive avoidants tend to suppress their emotions, and this will make sex feel a bit lacking and unfulfilling. Trust me, the partners I’ve had who seemed more “dismissive” were like this. Sex felt more like a routine than something special.

It felt mechanical, transactional, and just “physical.” As if we were just doing it to get each other “off,” rather than an act of love.

However… let’s not over-generalize either.

This doesn’t mean ALL dismissive avoidants are bad partners, but just remember if the emotional aspect is severely lacking, you’ll experience the same thing in bed. That can mess up any compatibility between you and them.

Whereas fearful avoidants were a different story. I won’t lie. The best sexual experiences I had were always with fearful avoidants. Insane attraction. Multiple sessions. Synchronized orgasms.

Sex with them was leagues better than any of the dismissive-avoidant partners I had.

Because they have this “unpredictable” element, that can lead to passionate, exciting sexual encounters. All the highs and lows associated equate to more intensity.

The “day to day” experiences: including conflict and disagreement

Besides the sexual aspect of the relationship, there are a few other differences. Your dismissive avoidant partner may act cool, calm, and collected for a long time.

That predictability comes at the cost of emotional intimacy.

While your FA partner may give you a roller-coaster ride. One minute they’re leaning in close to you, and another minute you’re “public enemy number one.”

But we know relationships have their ups and downs. Sometimes conflict, disagreement, or argument happens.

I can’t personally attest to how fearful avoidants communicate in conflict, because the ones I’ve dated tend to exit the relationship when the idea of commitment is brought up.

But I’m an expert at noticing the signs of dismissive avoidant conflict resolution. These relationships ALWAYS lasted longer, albeit things just felt stale or stagnant.

While I don’t know exactly how FAs act, I do know that they tend to be more “in your face” or hurtful about how they handle commitment. The ones I’ve dated suddenly leave.

They stonewall (when one person shuts down or withdraws from and refuses to engage. It’s usually done defensively, but more insidious, conscious versions of it are called “silent treatment” — very abusive. The person stays silent or physically leaves), ghosts, and blatantly lies or makes excuses for why they’re “unable” to continue on.

In short, it’s unintentional abuse, but ghosting and stonewalling are still terrible. From what I’ve read, conflict with them can lead to defensive or accusatory behavior.

Which as you could imagine escalates arguments. Which I have seen hints of in my personal life. This kind of behavior tends to come from people who overshare and then shut down.

This is how I confronted an unresolved issue with a fearful avoidant who pulled away. After I put myself into a tense discussion with her, I came out feeling more at peace.

How to Achieve Inner Peace by Confronting Discomfort (Why Avoidance Never Works)
The more you resist your emotions, the longer they stick around.
medium.com

Conflict with DAs is just as frustrating. Often you don’t even know anything is wrong. In fact, the partners I’ve had have gone for months or years pretending everything is “okay.”

But as I realized some of them had huge resentments against me but only laid it out until the very “end” when the relationship was over. What I’ve found is that since they’re “aware” of the problem they think that their partner is aware of it too.

Therefore they expect change without communicating, thinking their partner is a mind reader. But at some point, a limit is reached and they make the executive decision that the relationship is over with and plan their exit.

They think their partner has had enough “second chances” that any talk of reconciliation is out of the question.

So… they are completely shut out of hearing reason and leave.

In other minor disagreements, they’ll withdraw or shut you out by giving you silent treatment or stonewalling. All this does is make it nearly impossible to resolve anything.

Plus, if they have a habit of making you guess THEIR feelings, instead of just communicating their thoughts, you will always feel on the defensive. You’ll struggle to relax because you will be looking out for when they’re upset.

How love “feels” with an avoidant partner. Is it true love?

But when things are “good,” you’ll still notice some differences.

When you feel loved by dismissive avoidants, it may look more practical.

A few of my dismissive avoidant partners were excellent gift-givers. Whether that’s a coincidence or not, I don’t know, but I have noticed a correlation between a woman’s guarded, walled-off nature and her propensity to give gifts or plan things.

It’s as if “practical” displays of love and affection are easier for them than emotional behaviors such as physical affection or words of affirmation.

My long-term dismissive avoidants greatly struggled with deeper displays of emotional expression such as hugging, “I love you’s,” or other deeper displays of affection and connection.

They stayed around for a while and stayed committed, but they ignored emotional closeness. It’s just that the love feels distant and cold. Afterward, I wondered, Did she actually love me?

Compared with fearful-avoidants, we’ve learned in this story that their love is insanely intense. Sex, intimacy, and connection feel deep, but there’s still something left to be said about how shallow it actually is.

The women I’ve dated who were more FA had this weird habit of “trauma dumping.” It’s a subtle way to fake a real connection. And I’ve caught myself confusing sympathy and understanding with real love.

I’d end up more as their therapist or their father.

For more reading on what this looks like and how to counter it, you can read here:

Why Your Fearful Avoidant Partner “Trauma Dumps” and Rushes You in the Dating Process
How to take back ownership of your relationship or dating experience with an overly assertive partner.
medium.com

When the fearful-avoidant is “available,” they can be the most affectionate, attentive, and passionate individual you will ever meet. Truly, in the relationships with these women, I felt loved.

If you remember, they’d say things like “I can’t wait for you to meet my parents” or “Let’s adopt children together.”

But the mixed signals and the push-pull paradigm you’re in only leave you feeling anxious about the longevity of such a dynamic.

Planning for the future

Which leads us to the last part.

Saying things like “I’m training to be your housewife” may be a light-hearted, flirty joke, but does have a hint of truth to it.

FAs get so wrapped up in the moment and in their feelings that they think they’ve “found the one,” without remembering that it takes more than a week to know whether someone is the “right” person.

As an example, the last fearful-avoidant I dated talked a lot with me about a future relationship together. We even agreed to date exclusively and agree to a relationship.

But she sabotaged it.

One day she said, “I don’t want you to think of me as your girlfriend. I just want you to think of me as your ‘Julie’.”

I furrowed my brow and said.

“You know that really hurts to hear that, right?”

When I look back, that’s when she started to pull away. When things got a tad more serious. And it’s so fucking confusing. On one hand, I was convinced she wanted something serious, but then she left me after her fears of commitment got triggered.

DAs may discuss future plans too, though it may be something they’re more likely to avoid.

But even these discussions tend to be more practical or rooted in transactional behaviors such as “who’s going to raise the kids” or some other more emotionless topic.

Which isn’t a bad thing. It’s important to discuss the more “mundane” aspects of relationships, but I’ve noticed the emotional aspects of relationship planning are often overlooked.

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I’d recommend that if you see some of these patterns in not just your relationships, but in yourself, you may need to consider further exploration.

Don’t just settle for “good enough” or repeat behavior.

And if they do pull away, you’ll now know it’s very rarely about you. Their conditioning primed them a long time ago to act the way they do. More than likely before they even knew you.

Which in short means, you don’t have to personalize every little thing they do or the criticisms they have of you.

…

Understanding the behaviors is the first step to growth.
If you’re interested in more exploration of these topics, subscribe to my Substack and Medium blogs for more future articles.

I break down strategies for navigating these kinds of relationships and building stronger connections.

I post at least 2x weekly on Medium and Substack.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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