When a man abuses his partner in any way, it’s the worst kind of no-win situation. She feels betrayed by him, and he will often feel he’s betrayed himself as well as her. But why does it happen? This question’s been on my mind a lot recently, prompted by regular stories in the news about male gender violence, but it’s one that few government agencies or other experts are trying to answer- other than in the ivory towers of academic research. There has to be a reason, but it’s like a dinosaur in the room that everyone tries to ignore. The official view seems to be that these are just bad men who deserve to be punished, and that’s as far as it goes.
But if we’re serious about ending male violence against women, we surely need to have a better understanding of what compels some men to behave that way, as well as a government-backed PR campaign to discourage them, like those used to stop drink-driving or smoking. After all, more women are harmed by violent men in their lifetimes than by either of those; yet the investment of resources in ending male gender violence is relatively small, and the messages muted.
In my view, any man who harms a woman must be insecure at some level – like most bullies. He may be carrying anger towards women because of having been mistreated or abandoned as a child and growing up in a misogynistic culture which regards women as being of less value has encouraged him to develop a false sense of entitlement which includes having the right to use aggression to get what he wants. If his sense of self-worth is damaged, the fear of not being ‘enough’ may be relieved when he can control someone close to him by threatening them in some way.
Men in our culture are taught from an early age to supress any instinct to be nurturing and tender – to see other men as competitors and women as prizes to be owned. And because men are usually physically stronger than their female partners, it can be tempting for us to use sex as a way of feeling powerful when we’re not sure of ourselves. But domination has got nothing to do with love; so when a man feels driven to control his partner in some way it’s likely to be because of an unhealed inner wound. The rush of orgasm can numb the pain of that but, as with any ‘drug’, the relief it provides is temporary and only postpones him doing whatever is needed for healing to happen.
Sometimes in the past, my unexpressed anger and frustrations have come out through sex – even though they were not actually sexual. I found myself having aggressive thoughts about my partner when we were making love, and even being unnecessarily rough with her in bed. Sexual feelings are the most direct connection we have with our emotions, so there’s always the possibility that buried feelings will come out during sex, and making love becomes more about ‘getting my rocks off’ than connecting with a partner in an intimate way that respected her feelings.
I decided I needed to find better ways to let off steam, and started doing more sport, walking in nature, dancing, and playing music – as long as it didn’t involve self-medicating with alcohol, because for me that only increased the risk of acting inappropriately. All these things helped me to feel better about myself, so I could only use sex as a way of expressing passion, affection and love for my partner.
There are less distinctively male roles in the world of work these days, so it can be harder for any man to feel secure about his masculine identity and value. He may consciously or unconsciously try to compensate for that by trying to have control of some kind over the woman in his life. It’s not a coincidence that places where men feel most powerless, such as refugee camps for example, are where there tends to be more domestic and sexual abuse.
The truth is that most of us men want respect from a woman – a sureness that our qualities and competencies are recognised and appreciated by her – even more than sex. And any man who is not secure in his self-worth may experience any questioning or confrontation by a partner as a humiliation and react aggressively as a way of trying to wipe out that feeling.
To create a safer world for women, we need more opportunities for men to get involved with activities that can give them a sense of pride and accomplishment, as well as good quality counselling and professional support being freely available any man who ever finds himself acting violently and wants to change.
Perhaps most of all, I’d like to see more men offering reassurance and support to each other in exploring together how we can learn to treat ourselves and each other, as well as the women in our lives, with consideration and caring. This would be the best way to ensure that men only use sex to express tenderness, affection, connection, excitement and love. This would help us all to become the ‘good’ men we know we can be, and that our partners need and want us to be. I vow to do whatever I can to make that a reality in 2022!
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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