Jayson Gaddis examines some very unexpected causes of infidelity, and gives tips on how to prevent and heal from them.
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Affairs are pretty common these days.
In my career as a relationship specialist, I’ve worked with a loads of affairs. I’m coming to understand a few things about affairs and infidelity. I figured I share them.
First, some personal experience on the matter…
I’ve never slept with another person while in a committed partnership. However, I have had lame boundaries and an emotional affair.
Years ago, when I “acted out” with whomever I was with, it was always because of something going on on my side. It was never her fault or because of her. Did she have a part? Sure, but blaming her got me nowhere. If I want to move past this type of behavior, which is out of integrity for me, then I need to look within.
For example, I had an emotional affair once, and it happened because a core wound of mine was being triggered—I was feeling unseen/unmet and was very hurt and angry about it. Of course, I was completely unconscious to this at the time. So, my affair was me unconsciously saying “fuck you” to my partner at that time.
Same with my “leaky” energy back then. I had porous boundaries with women for years. On the surface, I blamed my commitment issues. But under “commitment issues” was a deeper fear. But again, I had no connection to this at the time. I was very asleep. My “nice, gentleman” mask hid my shadow of fear, repressed sexual energy, hurt, and anger all directed toward the feminine (mom issues), underneath. I was both afraid to be engulfed by women and I was simultaneously afraid to be left by women. Confusing right? We all have our own version of these “relationship patterns.” They are simply a re-enactment of our childhood wounds that then play out in our adult relationships.
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So, my own issues were the biggest contributor to my fuzzy boundaries.
And, in long-term, adult partnerships, many of us are very young developmentally. We don’t learn how to fight properly, our communication resembles a five year old, and we resort to what we did as kids or what our parents did with us. We stuff things, we hide, we blame, we posture, and ultimately we are not willing to be ourselves. All of these prime the pump for behaviors like affairs.
A few more key points to consider about affairs.
First, affairs are a product of fear.
Second, affairs happen when folks are not in the driver seat of their sexuality.
Third, affairs are often a helpful wake up call that cracks an already leaky foundation.
Fourth, it always takes two for an affair to happen. I’m not taking about the third party. I’m talking about in the primary relationship; both people contribute equally to an affair happening (hard pill to swallow for some).
Fifth, affairs are a symptom trying to help each party get to a deeper wound that needs healing.
Sixth, and perhaps the most interesting—when affairs happen, there is always (100% of the time in my experience) a lineage component. Meaning, people who have affairs, at least one party, and often both, come from a family where one or more of their parents had some kind of an affair or breach in their marriage boundary. Fascinating and true. Just goes to show how critical lineage work is if we want to get to the bottom of patterns. Many of our relational patterns are handed down generation after generation. And, until one person “wakes up” and gets that pattern to zero, it will keep being passed down, largely unconsciously.
And, getting the affair, and all of our hurt feelings about it, to zero is a fairly straightforward protocol with the right support team.
Bottom line?
Believe it or not, we don’t need to stay hurt, angry, and feeling betrayed for years on end. It can be different. And yes, we can even learn to be genuinely grateful for the betrayal. But that takes a special kind of warrior to be grateful for an affair happening, no matter what side you are on.
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Read more by Jayson on his blog.
Photo: flickr/meddygarnet
50% responsible if you were cheated on? For anyone who has suffered through their partner having an affair and blamed themselves, this is both an inconsiderate and inaccurate claim.
Cheating is a form of abuse. This is the sort of dangerous new age mantra that has victims blaming themselves and bypassing the raw and real emotions that accompany deeply deceitful actions.
he’s not at all blaming the victim. you’re hurt so you don’t see it but it’s true, it’s half you’re fault. don’t see your fault though as just being wrong, see it as you also being in a space of hurt, pain and anger that needed attention in order for you to heal. i blamed myself so much and didn’t think or know that it is possible for me to understand my own infidelity. it feels so good to not have to believe that my infidelity was me being a horrible person because i know im not but there was… Read more »
These articles about infidelity are far too simplistic/idealistic. One thing I firmly believe, having been in this situation, is that once infidelity occurs, that’s the big sign that a relationship or marriage is functionally over. An affair is the inevitable outcome. Think about how alienated you’d have to be from your spouse to seek out another partner who takes over that roll. There is nothing left to “work on”; it’s just going through the motions. Now, I have seen marriages limp along after an affair, sometimes for years. But they inevitably end or they went through the motions, because once… Read more »
Amazing article. Very validating to see that there are men out there aware of these relationship dynamics. Keep writing!
Nooo, not again…be thankful for the infidelity and whatnots. I’ve met a bunch of guys who cheated on their women not because they felt bad in a relationship, but because they were bored. Yet instead of telling their women how they feel or taking up some action to make a relationship more interesting they went onto “hunting” other women. And if a woman finds out, they are the first to start the blame game.
This article was a real eyeopener for me. For many too many instances than I care to admit to exact numbers on, I have been the 3rd party in this type of situation, but NOT because I would go deliberately prowl for a married man. It always seems to start as friendship… acutely aware of the marriage and trying to be respectful of that boundary while enjoying a friendship, you know the usual… the smart funny, independent, woman who listens and doesn’t have many hangups.. added bonus of no children and not looking to create … ANYWAY…seriously not my proudest… Read more »
This article is incomplete and trite.
@mensanity,
“The world would be a better place if everyone just accepted that you can have sex without emotions attached to it. But we’re not there yet.”
Yes, a person can have sex without emotions. It’s called casual sex, friends with benefits, hookups, booty calls etc etc. It most certainly does exist. Sometimes people just want touch and good sex. I see nothing wrong with that at all.
I don’t know if the world would be a better place. I am a non believer when it comes to casual sex. But, to each his own.
People cheat because they’re too chicken shit to leave their boring yet stable relationship but they crave sexual fire. You can love your partner as spouse, parent to your children, bowling partner, vacation partner but not love them as a lover. So it comes down to whether sex is important to you. The truth is, if sex is improtant to you and you don’t have it with your partner but you love him/her in all other ways, you’re still gonna cheat. The world would be a better place if everyone just accepted that you can have sex without emotions attached… Read more »
I really liked this article. From my perspective of being on all sides of infidelity, I see your great effort to write authentically about infidelity and providing some effective steps to healing the pain of infidelity. My husband had the affairs first and it was easy to be the victim and put all of the blame on him as the betrayed wife. However, with deeper contemplation I could see my part in not being present for him in his work challenges, and we were sexually mismatched. I was dealing my own sex abuse issues. Once that happened, I stopped putting… Read more »
Tonya,
I wish you joy in your next/current relationship. WIth your open heart and mind, you are already halfway there.
Its a lucky couple that goes through life not wanting to wander. You are indeed blessed and it may have nothing to do with your “values” or “effort.” We all do the best we can even if it does not measure up to our own standards.
Thank you for writing such a thought-provoking article. Might I add a piece regarding the 6th reason why affairs happen? Does this apply to those who aren’t biologically related to their parents? (ie, adoptee, foster child, etc). I was wondering where and how you were able to back up this point. Thank you for your response, and I do appreciate what you’ve written. I would say much of what you said, rings true with me, for which I’m grateful. Continue the hard work that you do as a contributor of The Good Men Project, and other projects you’re involved with.… Read more »
Too simplistic and quite moralistic view on matters. I’m happy for the author to have found balance and truth in his life. This is not a universal truth, however.
Don’t agree with #6, about the lineage component.
Unless you have a rather fluid definition of “breach in their marriage boundary” that could mean anything from temporary fantasizing about another person.
There’s actual scientific research about the “cheating gene”. Google it. I found it FASCINATING when I first heard it.
Well, good to know that whatever it is won’t be passed on from me, then.
There may have been some good points in this article, but they were lost in the half truths and utter BS in other parts of it. I have no idea where the author pulled his statistics from (particularly for #6) but the absurdity of that claim undercut his credibility badly. Trying to paint any of his claims as absolute is foolhardy at best, and ridiculous at worst. Human emotion has never been something that can be described or analyzed in a black and white world. Back to the drawing board Jayson.
“I’m talking about in the primary relationship; both people contribute equally to an affair happening (hard pill to swallow for some).”
Simply UNTRUE!!!!
Maybe the guy got tired of schtupping the same woman? Or same guy in the case of a hetero woman. Is she the blame because she refused to engage in anal sex? Or wife swapping?
How on earth can you reach such a conclusion. That’s like saying a woman is equally culpable because her husband cheated and gave her genital herpes. What rubbish!!!!!!!!!
Do you have references for your research? This is a good topic and I’d like to have some basis for the claims in the piece for my own work on this topic. Thanks for writing and clarifying.
Fourth, it always takes two for an affair to happen. I’m not taking about the third party. I’m talking about in the primary relationship; both people contribute equally to an affair happening (hard pill to swallow for some).
While I do agree this is most cases, you cannot state it is “always”. Some people are serial cheaters, no matter what they have.
There is no straight answer on the question of an affair. No quick calculation to derive a label of responsibility heavier upon one party or the other. It is shared, that is true, and for most if they look at the situation critically (after the “bomb” drops), it is rarely a complete surprise to their inner self. I will agree with Jayson that in most instances the affair masks something deeper — either in the individual who engaged in the affair and/or within the relationship itself. The only disagreement within the article that I have is there is an ultimate… Read more »
This sophistry is absolute idiocy. Having another lover is not necessarily any of these. people have lovers for many different reasons. Emotional obsession is just a fantasy. It is the same as a crush. Most of the time it is never acted on.
Sexual lovers are choices one makes. No one can expect another person to meet all of their sexual or emotional needs. That is so unrealistic. The problem in a society that conditions people that there is a one and only lead the belief system to destructive results.
@jon vonn,
I think part of the problem is this overly romanticized view of marriage. People fall ‘in love.’ They then think this euphoric state will last forever. It is utter nonsense. I truly believe it is a state of temporary insanity.
I do think one person IS capable of providing all sexual and emotional needs. One simply has to select the most suitable partner based on ones sexual and emotional needs. Not whether he hot, is over 6 ft tall, successful, blond, blue eyed, fit, money,…..
“Fourth, it always takes two for an affair to happen. I’m not taking about the third party. I’m talking about in the primary relationship; both people contribute equally to an affair happening (hard pill to swallow for some).”
I’m interested in what that means…how is the partner who is being cheated on, contributing equally to the cheating?
Guessing what is meant is that the betrayed partner unwittingly contributed with behavior that allowed the bad feelings in the relationship to continue. Ex: allowing loving feelings to grow stale, growing apart, etc. Takes two to tango…….and two to un-tango??
I’m sure not every affair springs from mismatched libidos. But I suspect it’s a fairly common cause. If the low-libido partner’s attitude toward it is along the lines of: your sex drive, your problem, you deal with it… the high-libido partner may in fact do so. And not necessarily with cold showers and masturbation.
I’m not saying this excuses the high-libido partner’s decision to cheat. But I do think there’s plenty of blame to go around.
May be u found some one who u connected to wholeheartedly but didn’t get anywhere for multitude of reasons & still looking for what u had subconsciously!