I went for a walk with my ex today. He wasn’t really there, but I imagined he was by my side the whole time. No, I haven’t lost my mind. Yes, I still love him. It felt like he was right there with me. I even picked what side he’d choose. Maybe he could feel it, too.
If you’ve met one of your soul mates in human form, you know why I won’t stop thinking of him as my true love, even after years of separation. You know there’s something yearning to be finished, with or without the person. You also know that sometimes, you’re not done.
Most of your friends and loved ones won’t understand. Do they tell you it’s important to let go and move on, that it’s not healthy to stay attached to the past?
Yeah, I get it. I shouldn’t put my life on hold. I also won’t pretend he doesn’t matter to me, just because he isn’t currently in my life. I won’t forget what love felt like with him. I’m grateful I got to feel that, even if we never see each other again. He showed me what it’s like to have a soul connection.
I have a sweet life alone with my beautiful children. Unless someone comes along who reminds me of him and makes me feel like he did, I’m ok without a partner. I’m no longer struggling with long-term singlehood. And when I think of what he brought into my life, I feel such joy. So I guess if thinking of your ex-partner feels that good, why not keep doing it, right?
Sometimes he comes to me energetically, popping into my head when I feel an urge to connect. I swear it’s really him connecting back. We’ve broke up in 2009, and haven’t seen each other since 2011. After so many years, you’d think I’d have moved on. But here he is, still taking imaginary walks with me inside my mind.
We met and became friends in 2001, and I don’t plan to throw away our relationship. I know we’re meant to reconnect someday. I’m certain he feels the same, although he might not be present for the sentiment at the moment. I’ve had a long time to reflect, mature, and grow. And I’m still thinking of him enough in 2022 to share the impact he still has on me.
Sometimes people break up because one or both of you are unwell or not ready to stay for the rest. That’s what happened to us. I think if we’d stayed together, we could’ve caused more damage. Or maybe we’d ride it out and be ok. I don’t know. But what I’m one-hundred percent sure of is that we were meant to connect in the way that we did, and that we wanted to keep loving each other.
As I walked, I told him I know we’ll see each other again, and will embrace whatever we might be next. If we aren’t lovers anymore, we will regrow our friendship. I imagined us holding hands as I walked around the neighborhood alone, with few passersby on Thanksgiving. I smiled, remembering his tenderness and kind heart, and his talent for cooking up a delicious meal on a day like today.
I’ve asked myself many questions about us over the years. I wondered if we saved ourselves from more tragedy by breaking up (we probably did). I wondered if he really loved me (he did). I welcomed spiritual release work, a cord-cutting ceremony, anything to stop myself from feeling this way.
I threw away a few sentimental cards and photos (still have backups of the pics), and a stack of journals which contained our entire journey as boyfriend and girlfriend. I occasionally hold deep regret for doing so. Then I remember that I have our story inside of me, so I’ll just write it again.
I invite you to explore the idea that maybe it’s ok to hold onto a lovely thing you’ve shared with a partner who’s not around anymore. What if you decided what’s healthy or not — for yourself? I chose to hold onto what’s sacred and special between us, letting go of the rest.
I often wonder if he’ll ever read these stories about him. I usually make sure what I share is something he’d be ok with me telling others. It’s our story, and we both own it. I think he’ll approve of this one. It’s the truth and he’s a gift.
I’m alone with my cats and plan to eat a simple meal tonight. I’m thankful for my solitude and a lovely evening walk with my ex-boyfriend, Joaquin*. I’m listening to a curated playlist with him in mind.
If you end up reading this someday, Happy thanksgiving, my dear. I’m grateful you were here with me in spirit. I love you.
*Name changed to protect privacy (If you know, hush)
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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