The wounds have healed, and suddenly, out of nowhere, a message from your ex reaches you.
What should you do? Reply or ignore?
On the surface, the answer is clear: ignore. However, when it comes to love and lost love, we are prone to answer. And this, although we know the struggle, we had to overcome the breakup and find a way to let the past be. It’s no wonder, therefore, that the temptation to text your ex might be overwhelming. You may feel compelled to give them a piece of your mind, tell them how much you miss them, or simply inquire about their well-being.
However, there are psychological reasons not to respond.
And yet, when my ex texted me out of nowhere, I couldn’t resist. See, I was at a place in my life where I felt like I was ready to let the past rest and focus on my future. To do that, I cleaned up my love life rigorously. Which, since it was quite chaotic, was very exhausting. For one, I had a fling that wasn’t going anywhere.
On top of that, I wasn’t entirely sure where my life was going. So, it’s perfect timing to hear from my ex. What could go wrong, right? Well, a lot.
Back to the past, or is it the future?
The anxiety you experience when attempting to figure out how to move is genuine, whether the choice to separate was amicable or you terminated things on a bad note. In my experience, exes write exactly when you are in the process of moving on from the past.
Our relationship didn’t end amicably. In addition, three weeks later, he had a new girlfriend. I was devastated, even though I ended the relationship. I just couldn’t be with him anymore. So fast forward three years, a couple of flings, flirts, and a lot of heartaches later — my phone lights up.
What does he really want?
I have some ideas why he wanted to get in touch with me. There are always unanswered questions when a relationship ends. Maybe he wanted to know what went wrong or explain why things unfolded the way they did. But then, there are completely different reasons for this altogether.
Maybe he was trying to figure out if I wanted to meet up with him to determine if the spark was still there. Either to get over someone or as a hook-up. After all, we had great times together, and it might work out the second time around, right? And then there’s nostalgia. So why not dwell in the past and warm up the great times we had? And while we’re on the subject, perhaps I was, despite everything, the one that got away? Which leads me to another plausible reason? What if he thinks he’s running out of dating options and is turning to me out of fear of ending up alone?
Let me be very clear: I am nobody’s rebound or the one to settle for.
Whatever his motives were for contacting me, they don’t matter. Basically, it’s all about how I feel. Do I feel under pressure to answer him? Why am I scared? What am I imagining, which then does not apply and in the worst case leads to disappointment? So basically, how did his text affect me?
It affected me in two ways. First, it brought up old wounds I believed to be healed. But what I was most surprised by was that I didn’t care about what he was doing. In all honesty, I wasn’t interested in knowing more about his life and where he was at in life. I don’t care. Sorry, but not sorry.
It’s always time to move on.
And let me tell you, I was relieved to realize that I wasn’t interested anymore. It took me a lot of time to get over him. I don’t believe in warming up past relationships. To me, the danger of repeating past mistakes and slipping into old relationship behavioral patterns is too real.
You can learn from the past; going back to it feels very wrong to me.
There were different reasons for the breakup, and I didn’t want to repeat the relationship patterns of that time. I also didn’t want to be the woman from back then anymore. So I asked him not to contact me again. Which he did.
Maybe because he also knows that what we had is over forever. Because the good times will not come again, and we have learned from the bad times. You can only look at the past in a reconciliatory way if you let it go. When you close a chapter and let it rest. But maybe also because he now knows that I’m doing well without him.
As we all know, when a chapter ends, a new one begins. Less than two weeks after asking my ex not to contact me, I met my boyfriend. He’s the man of my dreams. And luckily for me, he feels the same about me.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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