Your own attitudes about men may be keeping you from having a successful relationship with one.
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If you’re like most women today, you feel pretty clear about what you want in your romantic relationship with a man.
Your list might look something like this:
- Awesome communication
- Closeness and intimacy
- Complete trust and comfort
- Generous support
- Fun, laughter and adventure
- A safe future together
There is nothing wrong with that list. I mean, hey, who wouldn’t want those things in a relationship?
The problem is that you’ve got some things working against you:
- The role-models you had growing up didn’t teach you how to create what you want (for example: you want safety and comfort, and yet your parents fought like cats and dogs—something you’re likely to repeat in your own relationship);
- Your prior experiences with men—and what other women complain about in their relationships—seem to support your negative beliefs about men (the boyfriend who suddenly disappeared after what you thought was a blissful beginning to a fabulous life together);
- The media’s terrible messages about men being useless idiots (it was the main reason I wrote “Men are Great” – to try to counter the damage being done);
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Speaking of negative beliefs, here are some common attitudes women have about men:
- If a man really cared, he’d know what I want and need (without my having to ask for it);
- Men are terrible listeners; they just want to jump in and fix everything;
- They don’t share their feelings—they don’t want to be intimate
- Men are commitment-phobes and can’t be trusted
- All men care about is sex
Can you imagine trying to create a relationship like the one you really want, while harboring any of these attitudes about men?
Not very likely!
What it will produce is you being guarded, distrustful, unhappy—maybe even the dreaded resentful.
And what do you think happens when you relate with your man from a place of resentment?
He is going to protect himself. And he’ll end up validating those negative attitudes you have.
It’s a terrible cycle, and it can change (and very quickly, I’ve observed). I’ll give you just three areas to focus on that will have very positive results:
The Big Three
When it comes to having great relationships with men, there are several things that matter a lot to them – which means they should matter a lot to you.
1) Acceptance – Simply put, this means you know and accept all of who he is. Notice I didn’t say “like” everything. I said accept. This is key to having a successful connection with a man you care about.
Here are some definitions of “accept”:
- “tolerate or accommodate oneself to” (you’ll learn to live with those things that annoy you);
- “consider or hold as true” (you see who your man is—you see what is, not what you wish he was/wasn’t);
- “to receive something, especially with favor” (you actually welcome and enjoy who he is).
If you’re not with a man at this time, you want to be absolutely sure that when you do start to date a man, you know the qualities, values and lifestyle you require from him – so you can accept him (or know you need to move on, as the case may be).
Action plan: find one thing you currently nag or criticize your man for, and practice saying to yourself “I accept this about (that man)”.
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2) Appreciation – Like all of us, your man wants to know that his efforts are noticed. It lets him know you’re paying attention, and you’re grateful for what he does for you, for your family, and for the community.
Here are some definitions of “appreciation”:
- “Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things”
- “A judgment or opinion, especially a favorable one”
- “An expression of gratitude”
Men really do want to make us happy, but they need the reward of appreciation. In fact, think of appreciation as fuel in their tank. You wouldn’t get into your car with an empty gas tank, and expect it to take you on a trip, would you? Don’t expect a man to have the energy to provide for you without this essential fuel in his tank.
Unfortunately, many women are not very good (or consistent) with this. This can stem from poor role models growing up, or lack of feelings of appreciation for yourself (you can’t give what you don’t have), or having negative feelings about men.
When these obstacles aren’t in your way, showing appreciation is much easier. It’s a simple thing, to acknowledge and express appreciation. And it pays off hugely in the quality of the relationship with a man.
Action plan: notice and appreciate at least one thing that your man (or a man in your life) is doing, every day. I’ll bet you’re going to notice he’ll start doing more of it…or something else that may earn more appreciation from you! (And hey, while you’re at it, practice appreciating yourself.)
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3) Trust – For many men, being trusted equals being loved. If you don’t trust your man (or men in general), you will not be able to create and/or maintain a satisfying relationship.
Like the title says, you get what you expect. You won’t be able to attract a man whom you can see as trustworthy, if you don’t trust men. This means you’re going to create a self-fulfilling prophecy; a situation where you can’t trust, and the cycle continues.
Here are some definitions of “trust”:
- “Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing”
- “To have or place confidence in; depend on”
If you feel it is impossible for you to trust men, please do whatever you have to do to change that. Men are great, and they’re everywhere.
You’ll be amazed at how differently men will “show up” in your life when you have the ability to trust them.
Action plan(s): 1) Intend to notice trustworthy men—whether your man, or other men. This will grow your ability to trust them. What you seek you will find.
When you find your self-talk going toward the negative, distrustful place, ask yourself if what you’re perceiving is true, or is it possible that it’s distorted through your attitude of “men can’t be trusted”?
Sometimes, all you need to do is question the validity of your perception, in order to be able to see a different “story”.
2) Risk revealing yourself and being vulnerable with your man. It’s a profound way of telling him you trust him. If there’s a place where you’ve been withholding trust from him (i.e. regarding your children, or how he spends his time outside your home, or some other issue), practice trusting him. After all, trust is a decision, and if you are with him, you should know that you can trust him.
Positive Changes Happen When Men Get What They Really Want.
When men are accepted, appreciated and trusted, they respond in predictable ways: they feel more energized, better about themselves and their lives, and happily work harder to please us and make us happy. We get so much in return for giving them what they really need. Try it—you’ll love what happens!
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Photo Credit: Big Stock.com
Tbh I don’t nag and hate nagging (at me) so that’s not the way to go I agree. And also a lot of this article is a way to communicate well. But this bit? ‘Action plan: find one thing you currently nag or criticize your man for, and practice saying to yourself “I accept this about (that man)”. Bit vague this. Surely that depends on what we are ‘accepting’, no? There are some things that need to be mutual (like if you say you’re going to do it, DO IT, don’t offer if you won’t follow through- and yes I… Read more »
Love it. I think it’s all too common in this age that women adopt a negative view of men in general, blaming them for all their issues. The demonization of men understandably inferred between the lines of negative feminism (meaning feminism concerned only with blame and issues as opposed to empowerment) has put a lot of men on the defensive, and made many of them mistrustful of women. So yes, it definitely goes both ways. Many men need similar guidelines to help them appreciate women. It should be a “mutual admiration society.” As frustrating as they can sometimes be, women… Read more »
Thanks Paul – and yes, BOTH men and women are beautiful souls (I love how you said that). I’d love to see a “mutual admiration society”…such a great thing to aim for – to be worthy of that admiration.
Karen
Hi Karen – I really appreciated your article and it really resonated with me. I know that one of these points have been an issue at some point in my relationships, sometimes all three at one time. I’ve grown to be really strong on often showing my appreciation. Focusing on what I’m grateful in my life, has enabled me to be more aware of showing that appreciation outward and I always make it a point to let the man in my life know how I appreciate what he does for me. It’s actually become one of the easiest ways to… Read more »
Hey, Erin,
I loved your thoughtful response to the article, and how open you are to seeing where you’re doing a good/great job, and where you’ve got stuff going on that will get in the way of having the connection with a man you really want.
It won’t matter if you love a man, if you don’t trust or accept him; that, like you said, is loving someone he’s not, and you’ll both feel the pain of that, until the (inevitable) end of the relationship.
Karen
Karen
I would love to ask you advice on something but sure this is the place to do it. I have been divorced for a little over a year and back in the dating world after 19 years of marriage. Help!
@Scott It would seem our keyboards were destined to cross blogsites again.I,for one,am surprised and amused that you don’t understand why you recieved flack from the guys and karen is being swept up into our good graces.Karen’s approach was quite different from yours.Karen’s style AND substance is what worked for me to create a comelling message.Her message didn’t critique the behavior of men as much as it and it affirmed,from a woman’s voice,some of the complaints men have of women.For men like myself,this was a rare demonstration of support and objectivity in this regard from a woman.To be frank,I am… Read more »
@Karen I reread your post and am amazed at how few times you used or spoke of the role of love in finding a man business.Yet,it had a good deal of worthwhile emotional content.Trust me,I absolutely believe that love is key in relationships.However,I believe love is rarer than scales on a catfish but we throw the concept around like it’s a dog’s frisbee.The best love is earned through struggle and is forged in the hellfires of self-realization.This requires contact with life,no pads.If this is true then whatever love is what happens after the crisis has been weathered,not during the wedding… Read more »
I think this is a great article, but I think it goes both ways. I’d like to see something similar written for men about their expectations of women, or an article addressing both together.
Hey, Rhonda,
It’s a great thing to remember, that at our deepest levels, we all really want the same things. So, yes, the same article could be written and the genders could be reversed.
Ultimately, keeping in mind that if we give what we want to receive, we will all be experiencing a lot more satisfaction in our relationships with each other.
Thanks for your comment…I appreciate it!
Karen
Here ya go, Rhonda!
http://goodguys2greatmen.com/goodguys/no-intimacy-and-a-saddlebag-of-excuses/
“Many men choose to believe that the ENTIRE issue lies with HER. She is to blame for what they are not *getting*. Use your brain, man. Remember statistics? It is not even mathematically possible that the issue is hers 100% of the time. And remember, she is NOT THAT WAY with the guy in her head…ever. Trust me.”
I enjoyed this, Karen. Very much. The message is *exactly the same* as I give to men I work with – which I frequently get flack about here. When men read an article about WOMEN working harder, they nod in agreement. When the same men read an article about MEN working harder, they jump into defense mode. The core message for me is to first KNOW who you are and what you value. THEN ACT in ways to communicate those values that will/may inspire others (including your partner) to join you. Give them the opportunity and CHOICE to begin treating… Read more »
Hey, Steve,
I loved what you said – such great points, and the men you’re working with are very lucky to have you!
You are right; there is a limit to what people can (should?) do before it’s time to move on. For so many people, though, with some shifts in perspective – and it sounds like we’re very aligned on this – it’s a whole different situation; one that is able to be turned into a great place to be, for both partners.
Keep up the awesome work!
Karen
Hi Steve, Thanks for the list I can readily admit to succumbing to numbers 2, 3 and 4 in all of my relationships (not that there’s all that many of them). And subsequently I also opted out of them. But being in a relationship, I’ve always tried my best to show, in actions AND words, that she is an important person to me, one that I highly value, that I don’t speak about in negative terms, and that I am attracted to, sexually as well as romantically (I.e. I want to have sex with her, but I also want to… Read more »
And also, I’m not saying it’s all her fault.
But as you point out, statistically it’s nearly impossible that it’s 100% my issues either.
@Karen Jones This is the most balanced approach to the subject matter I can recall reading in quite sometime.Bravo.Can we…talk? When you say giving men appreciation,acceptance and trust will encourage a man to work harder to please his woman and make her happy.Relationships are transactional,I agree.It’s the terms you spell out that I am curious about. Work harder than….what? I presume that the man was already working hard.Then,in order to earn acceptance,trust and appreciation he must exceed that standard?If one is entering into a relationship, being clear on expectations should be important.I am sure you recognize that please us and… Read more »
Hello, Ogwriter, The mentality that “love conquers all” and so many related beliefs are pretty harmful. When that ideal isn’t met, it can send people scrambling for the hills, looking for the “cure” in a better partner somewhere else. To be in a successful relationship you have to know who you are and what you need, be able to communicate that effectively, and you have to know that the person you’ve chosen fits those things that you really need to have in a partner. And there’s more to it than love (although love has to be there, of course!). When… Read more »
I was almost cringing as I read this article, imagining the backlash in the comments. “But that is because a lot of men are like that.” “You do not know what things women face for their attitudes to become that way.” “Before giving out advice to women, men should start changing who they are.” “Asking women to change, smells so much of male privilege and patriarchy!” Till, I saw the author was a woman! Phew! What relief! Thanks for the article. As men, we are sort of used to being demonised now. Like I had mentioned earlier too, a woman… Read more »
Hello, Biker,
Thanks for your comments – and yeah, men being “demonised”, as you said, is what made me write my book, “Men are Great”, to begin with. You guys are taking such a hit, and it makes me sad (and sometimes it pisses me off, too).
Here’s to more women surprising you, my new friend…
Karen
Dear Ms. Jones,
Snap! You nailed it. Beautifully articulated, simple, smart and so accurate.
Regards,
Donna Alexander
Former Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women Workshop Leader
Hey, Donna Alexander,
Thanks for your awesome feedback – I appreciate it!
And I love PAX.
Karen
I like this article. I tend to overthink things, and maybe this is too left-brained, but I tend to think of this advice in terms of critical thinking skills. I’d ask women to examine their assumptions about men, and ask yourselves if you really are being objective. For example, are you just acting out of confirmation bias, or are you actually looking for real evidence? I’m not even saying “you have to trust men more,” I’m just asking if you really have enough information to come to any real conclusions about ALL men. Probably you don’t. If you’ve made up… Read more »
Thanks for the comments, and YES, if you have made up your mind you’re only going to see one thing, that is exactly what you’ll see.
I think it is possible and maybe even desirable to have some negative attitudes. The belief that trust is earned has value. The cementing of these negative attitudes is the problem, and the solution, as you say, is our ability to change our minds…when it’s warranted, of course. This level of self awareness is simply beyond our abilities, so I’m saying we need an app to help better regulate against the cementing. Or a glass of wine 🙂
Hahaha, Elissa! A glass of wine, huh? I do think we’re capable of a great deal of self-awareness, and it is a lot of work to fight – maybe “fight” is not the best context – to “counter” the more automatic impulses we have as human beings to protect ourselves from those who can harm us.
Thanks for your comments!
Karen
Wellokaythen, I think that’s a really good think to ask of women. I made me pause, thinking about the assumptions I make about men that may not be founded in truth. I think I probably look for reasons not to trust a guy because of stereotyped negative beliefs I have about men’s sexuality and loyalty.
Woo Hoo!
I LOVE this post Karen Jones!
If we harbor resentments, unresolved issues, and misaligned expectations about men, we are not going to be open to receiving the best a man has to offer.
When we shift our attitudes toward men, they start showing up in so many wonderful ways in our lives. Whether it’s a potential love partner, or a co-worker, or a son… the change is remarkable and delightful.
Thank you for reminding us “Men Are Great… Really!”
@Ande Lyons
Thank you, Ande Lyons – you are a woman who totally lives this…and it shows so clearly in your marriage.
I like how this article makes explicit some of the unspoken attitudes out there about men. I especially love that it’s a woman who wrote about them. Sometimes, as a man, I feel like I’m crazy for feeling like I’m being treated in these ways way. Whenever I bring up that I feel like I’m being treated with these expectations I often hear the comeback of “Women don’t think that. You’re silly”. Very validating. I’m sure I’m crazy in a lot of ways. At least there’s ONE area I’m not crazy in 🙂
Hey, Aaron,
Like you, I care so much about helping men and women have extraordinary relationships, and an important step is understanding how things are for us, so we can have more empathy for each other. I’m so glad you liked the article!
Karen
Hi Aaron Here is your list: ✺”Your list might look something like this: Awesome communication Closeness and intimacy Complete trust and comfort Generous support Fun, laughter and adventure A safe future together” ✺ Here is the list from Huff Post about women 50+ see as number one deal breakers when they date. I do not remember the exact percentage of each of the three. They were practically indentical. A deal breaker does not say what women want most of all, but this list should remind you that women live past the age 42, some live nearly 60 more years and… Read more »
Hi, there, First off, the article got posted initially as written by Aaron Anderson, but I’m actually the author. And thanks for your thoughtful comments – I appreciate it! By generous support, it could mean any number of things for women, depending – as you pointed out – on their age and stage of life. In general, support will be about being accepted and supported to have a life that makes a woman happy (so far, sounds like what a man would want, too, right?). Emotional support is critically important – I certainly don’t want the take-away here to be… Read more »
Hi,
I find it very hard to see any of the characteristics you listed “communication, closeness, trust, comfort, support, laughter, adventure”, etc,etc as age-dependent in a relationship.
Thanks.
I completely agree with you…we’re on the same page there!
Great article! Very insightful and applicable. Thanks!
Thanks, Eric…I appreciate your feedback!