Your Ego vs. Your Marriage

“Marriage is our last best chance to grow up.” Joseph Barth

My mother would often tell the story about how my father would correct her, in public, over a minor “factual” mistake. If she said something was ½ inch, he, an engineer, would point out it was actually 3/8 inch.

I don’t know whether that conversation ever actually happened, but I have heard similar reports from clients over the years.

It was Friday. No, it was Tuesday.

You said this. No, I didn’t.

In the immortal words of therapist Terry Real, “Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares?”

The need to be “right” is a focus on the “trees” instead of seeing the big picture of the “forest”.

You always have a comeback. A counterargument. A more “rational” moral high ground.

What it is really is a defense of your ego–at the expense of your marriage.

Because if you’re “right”, she has to be “wrong”.

And if either of you are “losing”, so is your marriage.

It becomes a slow drip that erodes the foundation of your relationship over time.

The way for all of you to “win”—you, your wife, your marriage—is for you to lead, not try to dominate.

Being “right” is a way to remain in your comfort zone. To push back against any and all of her “challenges”.

But marriage is about growth. And growth is uncomfortable.

It requires learning. About you. About your wife. About what makes relationships work.

It’s really no different than any other aspect of your life.

You learn for work. You learn for your hobbies. You often learn for parenting.

Your marriage is no different.

In fact, it’s more important.

Because the cost of stagnation, of your comfort, is exceedingly high.