In Sunday Aikido class, we practiced ryote-tori yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the head). The uke (the attacker) grabs both of my hands. As the nage receiving the attack, I draw the uke to my center and strike straight to the uke’s head. The uke turns their head to the side to take the fall or get smacked in the face. Their choice. Just saying.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “You’re too tense. Everything loose. Everything quiet.” Otherwise, the attacker resists the technique. Then it becomes a fight. There’s no fight in Aikido. I work on myself, not the attacker. Sensei instructed what to do.
I apply nikkyo (wristlock) to myself and draw the attacker to my center. I create space by keeping both hands in front and moving my feet back. I apply kotegaeshi (another wristlock) to myself, striking straight to the attacker’s head. The attacker turns their head to the side to avoid getting hit in the face and takes the fall.
I stand straight, stand tall. Well, as tall as I can. I don’t look at the attacker. It’s me against me. I apply the Aikido technique to myself. The attacker applies the technique to themselves too, taking the fall. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I overcome myself, not others. No fight.
Sensei said, “There’s no aggression in the attack. The only aggression is coming from you…” I got it. I was the source of the aggression. I don’t aggress against aggression. I invite the attack to me. I don’t oppose the attack. Keep my mind open. Keep my heart open. Everything quiet.
In the midst of the intense Aikido training, I said out loud, “I have to let everything go.” I have to let everything go, not just in Aikido. I have to let everything go, in life. I said to myself, “I have to let go I’m not good enough.” I stood there for a moment. I got it.
The journey of falling madly and deeply in love can be challenging. At least it has for me. I’m 5’ 3”. I’m not handsome. I’m not rich. I’m not really what women want. Just saying.
When someone is not in love with me, I make that mean, I’m not good enough. Maybe, Dad was right all along: I’m no good. I’m a fucking loser. That validates the great fear that I’m not good enough.
Werner Erhard said fear can be a reminder of our unresolved fear from the past. My fear of I’m not good enough sources from the past. That has nothing to do with the present, nothing to do with who I am now.
When I grew up at home, Dad constantly terrified me. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry at me. My childhood was the no-win scenario. No, I would never be good enough for Dad. I would never be good enough for anyone.
On my path, the late Mizukami Sensei taught me Aikido. He taught me what it is to be a good man, to be of service to others, and to make a difference. With Sensei, I had the space to be myself. He always saw the greater-than versions of me that I didn’t yet see. I didn’t have to get somewhere. I had nothing to prove. Just train.
In life, everyone is free to find love, to find what makes them happy. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I do have a say in what goes on inside me. The voice in my head saying, “I’m not good enough” is Dad’s voice. Over the years, his voice had become mine.
The late Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” In the bigger picture, I choose who I am, and what I do. I invent my new voice, “I’m a good man.” I let go of I’m not good enough over, and over, and over, and over again.
I’m a good man. At least, I keep working on that. Just train. I work on myself, not on others. Nothing is personal. Just saying.
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Thank you for the information:)
No problem. Thank you for the kind words.