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Like many people, I’ve always had trouble taking a compliment. My chest gets tight with anxiety. My eyes get shifty. My brain grasps desperately for words to convey gratitude and humility when what I really feel is guilty — as if by accepting the compliment I’ll get busted later, when they find out I’m not really that great.
Like a deer in the headlights, I’m unable to move but desperate for a way out.
Recently I met a tribe of people who are really good at giving verbal affirmations. They told me how much they liked me and why. Then they kept telling me, even when I stood there dumb and unresponsive. By happy coincidence, I had begun a journey of valuing myself more. So when I got enough of these compliments, I started allowing myself to believe them. When I could believe them, I could receive them. Now I smile and say a genuinely appreciative “Thank you.” I feel love instead of anxiety, and I give the giver the pleasure of giving.
Once I understood the power of verbal affirmations to convey love, I felt guilty that I hadn’t been able to give this kind of love to people I cared about. All my life, giving compliments has been just as awkward and uncomfortable as receiving them. So I didn’t. ever.
I think back now on all the people I admired, loved, needed, enjoyed. I never told most of them, and I wish I had. For some, it’s too late. For others, it might just be too weird.
So I decided to do something about it. I reflected on my anxieties about giving someone a compliment. What was I really afraid of?
- What if they think I’m weird?
- What if they smirk at me because they don’t really like me and now I’ve made myself vulnerable?
- What if they say nothing, and I have to stand there wondering what they’re thinking, and feeling bad that I’ve put us both in this awkward situation?
Once I was able to consciously articulate my fears, I understood logically that they weren’t really valid. Even if they were, the consequences of a failed compliment were negligible compared to the consequences of lifetime spent not giving verbal gratitude/love.
Everyone likes to hear nice things about themselves, even if they have trouble receiving it. Best case scenario, I’ve made someone’s day by telling them how great they are. Worst case scenario, they ignore me.
My analysis was solid, but the pathways of fear are etched deeply, beyond reach of our conscious reasoning. To get over my fear, I had to etch new pathways.
aka, just do it.
I started with the safest people I could find, telling my close friends what I admired about them. I knew they wouldn’t reject me or think I was weird, because they do it too! Needless to say, it went very well. And what I hadn’t considered, because I’d been so wrapped up in how others would perceive me, was the joy I got from making someone else feel good. So began the virtuous cycle of complimenting.
Once I had practiced with my close circle of friends, I stepped it up a notch. I began to compliment acquaintances and total strangers. (Gasp!) The barista’s ring, the stranger’s dress, a nice deed done by a fellow parent. Reactions ranged from lukewarm to ecstatically grateful. I was able to internalize that the lukewarm experiences didn’t have anything to do with me. They were busy, or having a bad day, or just weren’t emotive people. I like to think that even when I don’t see my compliment being received, it still makes someone’s world a little better.
There are times when I send someone a compliment rather than say it face to face. Sometimes it’s because we’re not in the same place. Sometimes I sense that they (or I) might feel awkward, because we don’t know each other very well. When I write someone a compliment, it gives them time to feel awkward, get over it, receive the love I’m giving, and craft the response that their best self wants to give. A written affirmation is also the gift that keeps on giving. Spoken words are ephemeral. They get forgotten or misremembered, especially when we’re not feeling good about ourselves. But when you give them written proof, they can look back and feel the love whenever they want.
If I’m worried about saying something in just the right way, writing also gives me a chance to craft my words carefully to avoid awkwardly stumbling over my words, which still happens when I feel unsure of the reception I’ll get.
The final frontier of verbal affirmation for me? Family. My family tends to extreme stoicism. I learned from an early age that emotional expression was to be avoided at all costs. If you have to have them, keep them to yourself, or use an alcohol release valve then pretend it didn’t happen.
We’ve come to expect a certain way of being from each other, and altering that way feels scary. Is there such a thing as irreparable awkwardness? If so, my family would be the poster child. Best not to rock the boat when we’re stuck with each other for life.
But life has a way of throwing you some shit you just can’t avoid. The boat is rocking, so I may as well tip it a bit more and see what happens.
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A version of this post was originally posted on Medium.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo by Evan Kirby on Unsplash