It’s strange how what should be one of the best things about being an adult turns out to be one of the hardest to learn. Namely, that we are more free to make our own choices – including how we want to respond to what life brings us. But this also means that we’re more responsible for how we feel.
Blaming someone else for our frustrations is a habit that I think starts in childhood, when we don’t have much autonomy, and get told ‘no’ pretty regularly. Maybe the reason it’s such a hard stance to change later in life, even though we’ve gained the freedom that we want so much, is the memory of being comforted by the idea that someone is looking after us, and so must at fault when things go wrong. The reward of letting go of that illusion is that we become proper grown-ups who can choose the life we want, and can hope for a genuinely intimate relationship with someone else. (I know there are relationships where at least one partner still expects to be looked after in some way; but those always end in tears).
People who go through life thinking of themselves as ‘victims’ have never been able to move on from the blame-game, and their expectation that they will be badly treated causes them to interpret people’s actions that way, no matter how benign the actual intention Tragically this can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because it’s hard to resist acting out the kind of behaviour that seems to be expected of us – and easy to fall out with someone who insists that they know we want to harm them when we’re doing our best to help!
I had a great example last week of having the power to choose how I feel. In the morning I went out for a bike ride in the rain; it was refreshing and enjoyable. Later on I was asked to do an errand when I was relaxing with a book, and went out riding again – this time feeling resentful; and the whole experience was wet and unpleasant. After a few minutes I clocked that I was doing exactly the same thing that had been fun earlier, and only my changed mindset was making it feel so different. So I focussed back on the things I like about being on two wheels, and it went back to being enjoyable again; just by switching how I mentally framed what I was doing!
Since then I’ve been trying out this power with some other things that I ‘hate’ doing. I managed to make doing housework into a kind of game (some favourite music in the background helped), and washing the car became a chance to do some stretches and lifting – things I otherwise do at the gym for fun, without actually achieving anything useful!
I also tried reframing how I see someone at work that I find very annoying. This was harder, and I had to start out with some reflecting on what in me was causing me to react to him that way. I discovered that something about him reminded me of someone who used to bully me; and on top of that I was envious that he seemed more confident than me. So I allowed myself to connect with the insecure feelings from my past, and as I did they began to fade with the realisation that I’m much better able to stick up for myself now. And because the only antidote to envy is to fix whatever it is that I want but think I don’t have, I had to accept that I rarely valued myself – probably left-over feelings of not getting much support as a kid – and promised to give myself more appreciation in the future.
I started to feel grateful to this bloke for showing me some things I needed to heal and change; and with my unconscious reactions out of the way, I began to see that some of his ‘confidence’ was actually a cover up for insecurity I could relate to. I felt much better in his company, and at the same time noticed his demeanor towards me was changing too, and realised I’d probably been giving him some quite critical vibes – as a kind of defensiveness – and we had been locked in a cycle of mutual reactivity. Next step will be to invite him to my men’s group where we can explore more of this stuff.
My final experiment with reframing has been when I feel hurt by something my partner has said or done. Instead of ‘taking it personally’, I’m trying consciously to think of it, and use it, as a learning experience. Then I can feel grateful to her for giving me the chance to grow, rather than being disappointed or angry. It’s not easy, but I know it’s worth it because when I look back, I see that every important life lesson I’ve learned has been as a result of somebody telling me a painful truth that I imagined I’d rather not have to hear!
At the same time, clear boundaries of what I will and won’t accept from her, or anyone else, are essential. Demanding basic respect is important for us, but also for everyone we interact with. And to be relentlessly serene in the face of all provocation would be unhealthy, not to mention very annoying! Sometimes feeling angry is appropriate, and if it comes from a place of feeling empowered to ask for change, rather than weakness or fear, anger affirms respect for others in that it shows we know they can, and should do better.
I’ll try to hang on to my newly serene and appreciative mindset. It’s helping me enjoy life more, and be more receptive to whoever I’m sharing it with. What’s not to like?
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