I learned early on as a kid that the worst position to be in was the limbo of maybe being in trouble. This is the land of worst case scenarios, mushrooming stories of gloom and doom. I remember breaking my neighbors grandfather clock glass with a frisbee. My first instinct was to run home and hide in my room. The time passed very slowly and the tension/worry/terror of what was going to happen to me was intense. It was so long ago that I cannot accurately remember if I came clean or was confronted, but I do remember that once the truth came out the tension subsided for me. Whatever punishment was to be dealt was less painful than the not knowing.
This type of lesson led me to develop what my father termed ‘disarming honesty’. I learned that, when he would ask me a question, saying the truth would end all the speculation and cross examination that would otherwise cause the stress and tension. Disarming honesty does not allow the stories about worst case scenarios to come out. It basically puts things right.
As I got older I noticed that the same principles applied to leaning into the tension. Remember the lead up to asking a girl on a date? For me this was filled with fear and resistance. I knew I wanted to go on the date but the process of asking was excruciating. I would delay and put off calling with anything else I could find to do. I would literally pray to not have to do this. I wanted the date but could not bring myself to call. Eventually, it became really clear that the only way through the minefield was to make the call. Take the action. Lean into the tension.
When I began my sales career in my twenties, I would sit in my car all morning, afraid to cold call a new business. The longer I would be in the car the more the stories of what horrible things might happen would grow. On my first day I actually did not make my first call until after lunch. It did not take long to learn that very few things that happened DURING or AFTER the call itself were close to as bad as imagined. ‘Just do it’ became a useful mantra.
Now as a Men’s Coach these bits of wisdom and learning are central to the work I do. Sometimes it even seems like 90% of personal growth is doing the uncomfortable things or the things we fear and don’t want to do. Or as Steven Pressfield labels it, getting through the resistance.
Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it. Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That's why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there'd be no Resistance.
—Steven Pressfield (The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles)
Even the animal kingdom has a great teaching about leaning into the tension.
When approached with a powerful storm on the horizon, bison instinctively run towards the gathering storm. For example, when a powerful storm is approaching from the north (and moving south), a herd of bison will begin running towards the north. By facing their fears head on, and running directly towards (and through) the storm, the herd cuts down the amount of time they are exposed to danger.
As former Marine Steven Pressfield and the bison demonstrate, the fear is a signal. The discomfort is a signal. It is a signal to get ready to go into action. Because on the other side of the action is all the good stuff. For Pressfield, art and creativity is on the other side of the resistance. For the bison, good weather and safety are on the other side of the storm.
Opportunities to practice this skill are everywhere if you learn to read the signals. One of my mentors once said that “much of what you want is on the other side of a 10 minute, sweaty palm conversation.” My guess is that many of us have a few of those stacked up waiting for our inner bison to run towards.
I wrote a column a while back about men getting back some of their 52 cards they stashed away early in life. Cards like dancing and singing and speaking in public. Things that the fear overwhelmed and just did not allow us access to anymore. These are great places to practice this skill.
This ability to lean into the discomfort has been the single most important ingredient in my growth as a man. And the really cool thing is that the supply of sweaty palm conversations and storms to run towards never ends. Just up your game… aim higher… you will feel it….then lean into it.
—Photo Credit: Flickr/USFWS Mountain-Prairie