I was introduced to a term today while listening to one of my go-to radio stations (WHYY which is my local NPR station) and a program called Our Body Politic. The episode was called How Black Women are Leading the Soft Life Movement. To clarify, I am not a woman of color but can relate to some of what the host and guests were saying as they spoke about this concept. Soft Life refers to the idea that rather than work ourselves into an early grave, spinning ceaselessly as we try to be all things to all people, and filling every available slot on our calendars with purposeful activity, that we take stock of the ways that we would benefit from good self care. The term was popularized within the Nigerian influencer circles.
At first glance, it may seem like entitled self indulgence. Who wouldn’t want to lounge in flannel jammies under the covers for another 20 minutes, while someone brings you breakfast in bed, rather than jump right up, hit the shower, grab breakfast and head out the door to face rush hour traffic? Consider the importance of keeping a battery charged. If it loses power, it can’t keep whatever it is connected to, running. This is true, whether we are talking about a car, flashlight or cell phone. The same is true for our own energy supply. I can vouch for the feeling of what I call tater tot syndrome, like a crispy fried chunk of potato at the end of a day that could include watching my young grandchildren for three hours, seeing clients in my therapy practice, writing articles, doing promo for a team of filmmakers, facilitating presentations and the like. In order for me to keep on keepin’ on, it is essential that I take time for rest and recreation. Naps, time with friends, going to the gym, being in nature, getting a pedicure or massage, all help me push the re-set button.
Some of the interviewees spoke about generational trauma inflicted on them as descendants of enslaved people and the need to prove themselves, as well as be in survival mode. They point to soft living as an antidote. In a similar fashion, this granddaughter of refugee grandparents who fled persecution as Jews in Russia, became a workaholic. I learned from my father who was a master at it. This man, who was at various times in his life, a milkman who drove a big truck and delivered dairy products to both mom and pop shops and supermarkets, and a SEPTA bus driver in Philadelphia, set a high bar for me. One winter day in either the 1960s or 70s, he wouldn’t allow a blizzard to stop him from getting to work, so he walked the mile or so to a major highway and hitchhiked his way to his his depot. He was not about to miss work. Even when he and my mom retired at 65 and moved to Florida, he continued to work for another 18 years. Yes, he lounged at the pool, read and napped more, but he still kept a busy work schedule. The idea of lounging more than that was unthinkable. It wasn’t until Parkinson’s made it a necessity that he allowed for more self care.
The women on the podcast also shared the idea of allowing other people to care for them. Up until recently, unless I was ill or incapacitated I struggled with that. It took a series of health crises that included a heart attack, pneumonia and COPD, that I surrendered to family and friends wanting to be of service to me. These days, if someone wants to help lighten my load in some way, I am all for it.
It need not mean luxury vacations, fancy clothes and expensive cars. It does call for more awareness of the ways we may have neglected our own needs as we care for partners, spouses, children, animals, and jobs.
My way of living a soft life starts with what I am doing at the moment. Even though I am engaged in a purposeful activity and fulfilling a commitment, I am doing it in soft, comfy clothes and fleece slippers, while sipping tea. I may ease into a nap, while listening to soothing music.
It means setting boundaries and assessing what I have time, energy and desire to do, it means being mindful as I gaze into space with no agenda or expectation, indulging in JOMO (Joy of Missing Out), and taking the time to nurture myself.
Living a soft life also means having a conversation with myself daily, as I ask what I have to do and what I get to do. As a woman of integrity, I like to think that I do what I say I will do, 99% of the time and the other 1% involves renegotiating if I can’t follow through at the moment. It means getting to know the person in the mirror and reminding her that she used to burn the candle at both ends until there was almost no wax left and it nearly cost her her life. It helps her remember who she is if not the go to person, servant and caregiver. She is learning that she is enough AS IS.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Unsplash