Expert Mort Fertel says many tips about marriage are wrong.
The lifelong probability of a marriage ending in divorce is between 40 and 50 percent, according to PolitiFact.com’s estimates. Couples in trouble often seek advice from friends, family and counselors. But global marriage expert Mort Fertel, creator of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, and author of “Marriage Fitness,” says much of the advice couples get is bad.
“Much of the advice people get about their marriage problems is wrong. It sounds good. It makes sense. The problem is: it usually doesn’t work,” Fertel says. “Reconciling a broken marriage is tricky. The process is not intuitive. You really have to be careful that the advice you’re following has proved to achieve the outcome you’re looking for.”
Fertel says his tips often run counter to many ideas existing within our culture’s zeitgeist.
“A lot of the advice people get is logical, but it’s not psychological,” he says. “It’s ineffective because it doesn’t take into account the unique dynamics that occur between a husband and wife who are emotionally disconnected.”
• Go at it ALONE. Most people think, “I need my spouse to work with me to fix our marriage.” But it does not take two to tango. One person’s effort can change the momentum of a marriage, and very often, it’s that effort that motivates the obstinate spouse to join in the process of saving the relationship.
• The wrong question. Many people wonder, “Did I marry the right person?” But that’s the wrong question. The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found. Love is not a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe – like gravity– there are also relationship laws that, depending on your behavior, dictate the outcome of your marriage. You don’t have to be “lucky in love.” It’s not luck; it’s choice.
• Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. That might have been true in junior high school when you went away for the summer. But in marriage, particularly in a broken marriage, absence separates people. It creates distance, the opposite of what we’re trying to achieve, which is closeness.
• Don’t talk about your problems. Talking about the problems in a marriage doesn’t resolve them; it makes them worse. It leads to arguments and bad will. Besides, you’ll never talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into. Marriages change because people change. Say little; do much. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. New choices resolve marital problems. Discussions do not.
• Don’t think marriage counseling is the answer. Marriage counseling does not work in most situations. The success rate is dismal. Most couples report being worse off after marriage counseling. One of the reasons relates to point 4 above.
• Don’t talk to family or friends about your situation. One of the most important values in a marriage is privacy; therefore, it’s a mistake to talk about your marriage or your spouse to family or friends. It’s a violation of your spouse’s privacy and it’s wrong.
Photo by Belarusian
All of these points resonate deeply with me, and maybe it’s because I’m a man. but I personally experience more women, than men, desiring to: 1) Change their partner, through one or another mode, rather than become better partners themselves. 1) Simply believe they married the wrong person, instead of embracing/acknowledging the common stages of most relationships, and the challenges to be confronted. 2) Wish for a separation, to see if they “miss” their partner. 3) Talk deeply about their problems, and where they believe they originate. 4) Discuss freely with other women, especially acquaintances of their male partner, their… Read more »
Omigosh! How is it possible that he’s so “famous” and I can’t find a single thing about his education other than the name of the school?? I’m concerned that this is one of those people who have become famous simply for being famous. Has he studied marriage stats? Sociology? Psychology?
I can’ t speak for his fame and Mort doesn’t need my defense. He has had good success with extremely shut down couples where communication with words has been fruitless. That should count for something. I agree with his statistical premise – “Trained marriage counselors” are tremendously ineffective when working with severely damaged relationships where one or both partners is nearly 100% checked out. This is a large percentage of couples who finally wind up on the couch. These are the situations I get involved with too. The classic tools of problem solving, sharing needs, and improving communication are inappropriate… Read more »
Don’t talk about your problems?
Wow.
I have been unable to find out anything about Mort Fertel and what makes him an expert in marriage. What did he study at University?
Ultimately, I suppose, there will always be people who value “marriage” above “good relationship”. Some people should not be married. Period.
“Don’t talk about your problems…”
This reminds me of that book that was reviewed in the NYT Book Section about “the care of exotic animals” (ie., how to make your marriage better and train your spouse, like he was a seal or Shamu)….
So it’s more effective to treat the spouse like he is a misbehaving child or pet…? Use fewer words and more action?
Men and women shouldn’t talk?
this too!
this
#4: This sounds like Laura Scheindlin’s (radio talk show host’s) advice straight out of her book…. It didn’t help me….my husband had no f—ing clue I was so mad at him for carousing constantly with his English drunkard friend….all they did was talk about his English friend’s problems….in fact, they spent so much time talking about their stuff I felt like there was no room for our issues when his friend was around (which was constantly)….what a double standard! #6: My husband would walk out of the room on me when I tried several times to speak to him about… Read more »
While most of this advise makes sense, even if its somewhat unorthodox, I simply can not agree with his last point. I have for the most part always believed that sharing my concerns about things between me and my partner was the same as gossiping about him. As a result we developed a most enviable communication pattern, where there was absolutely nothing we could not talk about and ultimately come to some resolution on. Until his illness made any form of communication impossible… For the first time I found myself totally isolated. What brought me clarity on an issue that… Read more »
Some good advice here. But it also has the capacity to be damaging if it is applied too broadly. Different situations tend to call for different interventions. For instance, some of the points can have major repercussions for victims of abuse. I also agree with Kat: there are bad matches, people who really have no business being together and who will never meet halfway (unless one person is doing all the compromising). When all is said and done, the best advice for married couples going through a bad patch is advice that addresses the specifics of their relationship.
For the most part, this advice is brilliant, except for the question of “Did I marry the right person?” It is all too easy to make a thoughtless commitment to the wrong person, then be miserable in ways that only ending the relationship can fix. Basic compatibility of lifestyles, values, sex drives, and goals are critical to being happy living with another person. Another component is not, “Do I still love this person?” but rather, “Do I like this person?” Love is easy. You can love people who make you miserable. But being able to like your partner makes it… Read more »
Love Mort’s stuff! Couldn’t agree more. This is absolutely key. Perfect. “Besides, you’ll never talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into. Marriages change because people change. Say little; do much. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions.” There are TONS of details and explanations behind Mort’s 6-Steps and each one is based in REAL history of what works and what doesn’t. It’s important to realize that this advice is focused on the couple who has already become emotionally disconnected and don’t have a “normal” ability to communicate and trust. If they could, there would be other… Read more »