A healthy critique of the idea that divorced people should just mellow out and move forward.
When I read Kate Bartolotta’s 10 Tips on Divorce for Grownups, I noted some practical bits of advice. I see the good intentions in her tips, and consider some to be worthy reminders. For example, if you lose it while dealing with your soon-to-be ex, apologize. That’s excellent counsel in all areas of life.
It’s good advice long before we’re headed for divorce court. If we treated our spouses at least as well as we treat our best friends, we might not wind up on warring sides of a conference table. But marriage seems to bring out our worst selves far too often, and those worst selves carry over into divorce.
What if your children are emotionally shredded by the desertion of a parent? What if they’re constantly on eggshells in the shadow of his or her manipulation?
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To pretend otherwise is to underestimate the complexity and cost of divorce. It is to discount the reality that millions of us face not only during a high conflict divorce but for years afterward.
Tips? How About This: Be Lucky
I consider tip #1—Accept that there is no bad guy—and then I consider tip #10, Let it go – I get angry. More than angry.
I see red.
Where is the tip that says “be lucky”?
Sometimes there is a bad partner. What if your divorce is the unilateral decision of one partner unwilling to work through the problems? Once divorced, they refuse to abide by court orders, to adhere to visitation schedules, or to pay child support on time. There is a bad partner when you find yourself unable to see your kids or unable to pay the rent, increasingly isolated by a messy, expensive situation that you didn’t choose.
And no, this isn’t solely the domain of women. I would never say that it is. Plenty of men have had their lives irrevocably changed by their spouse’s unilateral decision to end a marriage.
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And tip #10? Let it go?
We have this Pollyanna idea in American culture that we should forgive and forget, that anger stands as a barrier to love, that we should “let go and move on” and that “forgiveness sets us free”.
Some things are unforgivable. Do we learn to live with them? Sure. But forgive and let them go? The judgement that we aren’t evolved if we don’t? It’s ridiculous.
High Conflict Divorce, High Conflict Aftermath
What if you spend years in and out of court, or taunted by an ex, or your children are hurt by benign neglect or worse? What if your children are emotionally shredded by the desertion of a parent? What if they’re constantly on eggshells in the shadow of his or her manipulation? What if you spend years putting a child back together as best you can? What if you’re left with crippling marital and legal debt, fighting for support for years? How do you let go and move on?
This isn’t your past. It’s your present.
These are the realities for millions of us for whom tip #10 does not apply. It does not make us less adult. Nor are we less adult because we’re unwilling to play the semantic feel-good game of “letting go of my anger”.
Life Lessons from Divorce
But here is the paragraph that galls me. Ms. Bartolotta writes:
“Our relationships change us. They shape us and help us grow. When a relationship ends, we get to choose whether it makes us bitter or whether it strengthens us.”
Yes, our relationships change us. Yes they shape us. But no, they don’t always help us grow. Some of us may be able to take lessons from the pain, the dirty tricks, the abandonment, the bewilderment. From friends walking away.
When it comes to the termination of a marriage, there is no single spectrum on which we can place enlightened versus embittered, or angry versus peaceful.
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These are lessons in paralysis, in waste, in fear. These are lessons in loss after loss.
Some of us are more resilient than others, and we will create positive lessons out of the mess that may linger for years. But that’s the least of our concerns: we’re trying to survive, and to help our children survive.
Are we stronger? Possibly. Are we bitter? That, too.
Just as Ms. Bartolotta writes that divorce does not come in purely two flavors (amicable or messy), when it comes to the termination of a marriage, there is no single spectrum on which we can place enlightened versus embittered, or angry versus peaceful. And the notion that “letting go” is a choice is simplistic. It’s like saying a serious illness, accident or the death of a loved one is something you can just get over.
Will we be able to keep going, managing that anger and finding good moments?
That’s a different question. The answer: It depends.
The Nature of Life After Divorce?
It depends on circumstances—on the reasons the marriage ends, on the honorable behaviors of both parties during and after divorce, on our children and how they handle it, on our support network (or absence of one). It depends on finances, health and age. It depends on luck.
We figure out a way to make the best of things if we can. Many of us do, yet it may take years. But don’t tell me that, if we can’t refashion our lives in some positive way—if we aren’t boldly marching forward with a smile on our faces after one year or three—then we’re engaging in less-than-adult behaviors, in not choosing our better selves. To do so is to place blame where it doesn’t belong, to further isolate and judge us, as well as to marginalize the issues that bring so many marriages to an end. We would be better off looking at marriage itself and the skills that individuals need to bring to it.
Photo by soosay.
Hi, D.A.: Thanks so much for this piece. I think the phrase “let it go” requires a lot of unpacking. In one instance above, you wrote “letting go of my anger,” but in others–and in the overall discourse on this topic beyond this post–“let it go” is used very generally, vaguely, and not limited to anger. So I think it depends on what “it” is and who the person is. For some people, it’s possible to never let go of the anger and still move forward. For others, it’s not. In my relationship with my father, I found it necessary… Read more »
All excellent points, Deesha. Perhaps the sugar-coating is part of what I personally find so problematic in our society, and not just in this area of discussion but in general. We are mired in complex emotions and situations, and many will judge (harshly) those of us who do not put the requisite positive spin that some might like.
The more we can unpack as you say – the big picture, the minute details, the variations in how people can conduct their lives and learn from others – the better.
Thank you for adding to the conversation, and with such clarity.
D.A.: re: the requisite positive spin…ugh. Sometimes co-parents who are in high conflict co-parenting situations or who stopped co-parenting completely because things were so bad, are shocked when we invite them to guest blog on our site or be on our radio show. But it makes perfect sense to me. If I’m really struggling, I may be more likely to learn from and be encouraged by someone who is or has struggled in similar ways, than from someone who has had a (relatively) happy-peachy divorce and co-parenting experience.
Having read both articles I’d like to add a tip: This divorce isn’t just about you. More and more divorces are happening when the “kids” are adults themselves and they not only deal with the fallout but are largely ignored and told to just get over it. The divorce isn’t just about you and your spouse. It’s about all the lives you touch, the kids who now second guess every memory, who are avoided by either extended family who have picked sides or who have simply faded into the background so as to not have to comment. The promises that… Read more »
Absolutely true, Susan, that we need to do our best for the children, whatever the situation.
Suzy and I have seen so many family and friends go through divorce, many times divorces. It can be so devastating and so many people never seem to recover, both financially or emotionally. Much like cancer, the cure can be as bad as the ailment. And much like cancer, it could happen to anyone.
I do wish, Gandalfe, that we all had some crystal ball that would enable us to see the consequences of what we are doing when it comes to our relationships and families – whether our choices turn out to be better or worse, which is simplistically stated, I realize. I recall wishing my parents would have divorced when I was a teenager, but having gone through it and the years subsequent to it, I think I understand better why my mother chose to leave things status quo. That was a different time, but also, perhaps she sensed that there was… Read more »
Hi Kate. Thanks much for the response. Here’s an example of resiliency paired with luck. If you’re dealing with one life event that is stressful and complex, for example, divorce, you do indeed draw upon resiliency (and support networks, etc.) to manage. I agree that modeling resiliency for our children is very important. But what if you lose your job to a restructure at the same time as you’re in divorce court? Let’s say it’s a company-wide reorg – nothing to do with you. Add unemployment (one of the major life event stressors) to divorce. Would you agree that’s a… Read more »
Hi D.A., Thanks for your thoughtful response piece. Mine was coming from a place of personal reflection, a little departure from my wellness column. I agree, I’ve seen some people go through horribly devastating times with their divorces, and some (like myself) that get through the hurt and the mess and are able to co-parent with respect. I’m not sure I understand your pairing of resiliency with luck. Absolutely, we all have different innate ability to respond to difficult things, probably partly from how we were parented or our personalities. Maybe I am misunderstanding your point on this, but it… Read more »
Divorce and High-Conflict Divorce are two totally different animals. Conventional Wisdom just doesn’t apply to high-conflict situations or situations in which a monied ex is able to exploit the non-monied one. Being lucky is really about being gainfully divorced.
I hear you, Pauline. It’s extremely difficult for people who haven’t experienced high conflict divorce and it’s aftermath to understand. But it’s also difficult for me to understand what it feels like if a friend falls ill with a terrible disease, but I don’t blame the friend for it, and I try to listen and be compassionate. I think we need to find better ways to articulate the realities of divorce that some of us live with, just as I think we need to separate the notion of high conflict divorce from high conflict aftermath, and even what was covered… Read more »