I have an embarrassing confession to make: I sabotaged my relationship.
In the first months of my relationship with Jonathan, we faced serious troubles. You know how it goes: we argued almost every week, felt uncomfortable around each other, and everything he did annoyed me.
Back then, I thought my relationship was doomed. There was no way we could make this work.
But there was a turning point that empowered me to change this scenario. It was when my therapist, Rachel, told me I was sabotaging my relationship.
My first reaction was to deny it. Why would I stand in the way of my own happiness? The idea made no sense to me. I came up with all objections imaginable to argue that Rachel was wrong.
Except she wasn’t.
Rachel was extremely patient with me. She outlined the patterns of my behavior in my previous — unsuccessful — relationships. It turns out the only common denominator was me. With time, I became more open to Rachel’s suggestions and understood my sabotaging habits.
Those habits were tricky to identify.
Nobody sabotages their relationship on purpose. It’s an unconscious behavior — which makes it complex to see and change. It took a lot of work from me and a lot of patience from Jonathan.
Realizing how I sabotaged my happiness was painful. But once I found the root of the problem, I managed to fix it.
In case you’re facing the same trouble as me, here are the hidden signs that you’re sabotaging your relationship:
1. Not discussing problems.
Nobody likes to discuss problems. It’s unpleasant, uncomfortable, and takes courage. We unconsciously tend to avoid negative feelings. And guess what triggers negative feelings? Yes, discussing problems.
There’s a paradox in facing your problems. It’s painful in the short term but helpful in the long term.
Every relationship will inevitably face problems. Not discussing them will not magically make them disappear. It will only postpone the confrontation — and, when it comes, it’ll be much worse.
So ignoring your problems is a way to sabotage your relationship in the long term.
How to overcome:
Take the time to understand the root of the problem. Sometimes it’s not obvious. Reflect on what makes you feel uncomfortable — is it really your partner’s fault, or is it something you can work on yourself?
When you have the conversation, address the problem in a non-aggressive way. Think of the opposite scenario: what if your partner was bringing up this problem? How would you want them to communicate it? This exercise gives you a good framework as to how you should behave.
Finally, remember that you love this person and that your goal is to make peace and not argue.
2. Not making quality time for your partner.
We’re all busy. There’s always something going on — work, your side project, your friends, your pets, your family, you name it. It’s easy to get stuck in the routine and live life in automatic mode.
However, at some point, you have to prioritize your relationship.
Relationships are like plants: you have to water them constantly. Except in relationships, water is attention. If you never spend time with your partner, the love will slowly fade away.
How to overcome:
It’s not about how long you spend together — it’s about enjoying the time together.
Imagine this: you spend the entire day in the same room, but you’re on your phone. Instead of talking to your partner, you’re lost in your inner world. In this case, it doesn’t matter that you spent the day together — you had no connection.
When you spend time with your partner, be present at the moment.
Even if it’s once a week, take the time to give your full attention to your partner. Find a hobby in common, make a special date night, or simply talk. What matters is the genuine connection and not the time.
3. Not voicing your expectations.
Last night went by like any other. Jonathan and I prepared dinner and watched Netflix. Then, he went back to the kitchen and took the plates with him. I remember thinking, “that’s so nice of him!”
Except when I went to the kitchen, I noticed something weird. Instead of putting the plates inside the dishwasher — where they belong — he left them on the counter.
It drove me crazy. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that Jonathan would leave the dishes so close to the dishwasher, but not inside it. I expected him to do the full job, and not only half.
Although it’s a small example, these daily habits matter in the long term.
But the truth is, I can’t blame Jonathan. It was my fault that I didn’t speak up before. I can’t expect him to become a mind-reader.
Not voicing your expectations can lead to numerous situations like this. It’s not that your partner does it on purpose. But if they don’t know your expectations, they’ll never change.
How to overcome:
The problem is that sometimes we’re not even aware of our expectations. So the first step is to notice when things annoy you. It’s a powerful hint that an expectation wasn’t met.
The second step is to develop the habit of speaking up. In a healthy relationship, you should have the space to talk when you feel uncomfortable.
What helped me in this process was to change my mindset. I used to think that voicing my expectations was selfish. But the truth is, communicating my expectations is better for the relationship in the long term. So, in the end, it’s better for the two of us.
4. You’re incredibly jealous.
Jealousy can be a way to sabotage your relationship:
“We sabotage relationships for one main reason: to protect themselves.” — Raquel Peel
What is jealousy? For me, it’s a way to protect what is yours. It’s a voice in your head saying:“careful! They might leave you for someone else.”
The ultimate point of the voice is to protect you from heartbreak.
Yes, some level of jealousy is good. After all, it exists for a reason. It keeps you attentive and makes you put in the effort to be more interesting for your partner — and keep them around. So, when it pushes you to be better, it can be your ally.
But extreme jealousy is harmful to the two parties. It makes you anxious and makes your partner feel suffocated. In this scenario, nobody wins.
How to overcome:
The best way to end toxic jealousy is to find its roots. As it turns out, one of the main causes of jealousy is insecurity.
The solution here is to focus on yourself.
To beat insecurity, develop your confidence in different pillars: career, hobbies, and friendships.
This way, you create a solid foundation for your confidence, one that doesn’t depend only on your relationship.
5. Not having individual hobbies.
Imagine this: your job is super demanding, and when you get home, all you do is spend time with your partner. After all, you want to prioritize your relationship, and you barely have time for other things.
Suddenly, your partner starts to pursue other hobbies. Instead of feeling happy for them, it makes you feel left out — almost betrayed. Why can’t they put in the same effort as you in this relationship?
Although I understand the frustration, your partner is not wrong in this case.
It’s no news that hobbies can give you many benefits. Those benefits also spill into other areas of your life, including your relationships.
So, ultimately, pursuing individual hobbies is helpful for both parties.
How to change it:
Investing in your relationship is essential to make it successful. But the unspoken rule in life is to have balance. If your relationship is the center of your life, it causes an imbalance.
Your hobbies will ensure that you keep investing in yourself.
So start that side hustle, take the piano lesson, or start reading a book. Do something purely for yourself — and don’t feel selfish.
It’ll keep your life balanced. Ultimately, this balance will stop you from sabotaging your relationship.
…
Although we faced a troublesome beginning, Jonathan and I are still together. After five years, we’ve learned how to overcome our internal barriers and developed a great relationship together.Jonathan was an angel in my process towards becoming a better partner, and I owe much of our success to him.
Overcoming these sabotaging behaviors takes a lot of hard work. It’s not a linear process — some days are easier than others. But, with the right partner, you can fix this.
…
I’m much nicer on Twitter!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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