Think of me as a regular guy that would take his beautiful partner out for a lovely romantic meal for Valentine’s Day, every year. The places I took them to were nice, the food was delicious and generally we would have a good time, whoever I was with at present. I’ve been with my wife for nearly ten years now, and something changed around the three-year mark that blew the doors wide open for a great depth of new meaning and understanding for me.
I can’t say I was the brightest spark back then, but I had started my learning journey which was nice.
On the three year mark my wife told me,
“Let’s not do Valentines this year, we haven’t the money to go out and lavish ourselves on nice food, and besides, we’ve been married for a year now. Isn’t it already proven that we love each other?”
But it was essentially the same, every year, and we were doing something that we do at least every few months. Go out for a meal. So, I hatched a master plan.
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So, we didn’t do anything. I didn’t take it personally either, I mean, she was right, we were married, and raving lovebirds. We didn’t need a special day of the year to show that we cared. Apart from Birthdays—they are special for us. But that’s a different story.
Later in that year I was given intensive training at work on active listening. How to listen to people better and not use others as a wall to sound off my own voice, thoughts and ideas back to myself. Turns out I’m pretty good at active listening when I put it to the test. Yet something magical happened that year. I like to watch people. And my colleagues, highly skilled in watching people and actively listening to every situation around them would always give each other the very BEST presents.
I had never understood how they were able to nail it, every time. Get others, and me, what we REALLY wanted but wouldn’t have thought to buy ourselves in a trillion years. It came to me though, one day, soon after my active listening training.
They had been listening to me.
Not ‘listening’ as one does as they wait for their turn to speak. But sitting there, mind open, taking in what I was saying, making mental notes and constantly studying me. Turns out they really had taken in what I had said about wanting to get back into Badminton but not knowing where to start, when they bought me a Badminton racket for my Birthday. Some people are amazing.
But I clung on to that feeling.
You see, Valentine’s day had become a bit of an ‘any other day’ for us, where we could go out and have a lovely meal and celebrate our beautiful togetherness. But it was essentially the same, every year, and we were doing something that we do at least every few months. Go out for a meal. So, I hatched a master plan.
I started to listen to my wife. Strange, huh? For a man.
Turns out she absolutely detests managing my sock pile, and picking them up from the floor. And sometimes my son is too much for her in the mornings. She also loves nature and the outdoors with a heartfelt passion. She’s travelled to places like the Galapagos Islands in her younger years just to be at one with the uniqueness of the grassy roots of the world.
The following Valentine’s Day I secretly asked for the day off work. I was lucky in that respect, being a manager has its advantages in that I could manage my own hours. I also arranged with my Mother and Father in law to have our son for most of the day, and my wife went to bed not knowing anything. You see, to her, it was just a normal day, doing normal stuff, being a family. But to me it was something I had planned for a month beforehand, getting ready all the details to make her day perfect.
You see, I had actually taken the time to think about what she wanted for a change, not what I ‘thought’ she wanted, but I’d actually placed my bets on something that I ‘knew’ she would love, by listening to her.
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So, when she woke up on Valentine’s Day at 10am she screamed in shock, horrified because the house was silent and she had missed everything. But as she slowly awakened and came downstairs she realised that my sock pile was gone, the washing was done, the ironing had been done, our house was clean, and Alex was nowhere to be found. And she had the first full sleep for a long time. This, was amazing for her already, but there was more to come. You see, I had been slowly gathering food for a picnic I was taking her to and stockpiling it in our empty freezer out in the garage.
What a beautiful surprise she had as we rolled up to our local University gardens, full of nature’s wonders, a blisteringly sunny day, and a perfect for spot for a remote picnic.
She confessed to me that night her idea of Valentine’s Day had been revived. You see, I had actually taken the time to think about what she wanted for a change, not what I ‘thought’ she wanted, but I’d actually placed my bets on something that I ‘knew’ she would love, by listening to her. And, all that we did, it cost far less than going out to a fancy restaurant for a meal. And by that single day my wife’s estimation in me had rocketed!
So perhaps start listening to your partner. Sometimes life isn’t all about you. Recognising the needs of others is a brilliant skill to have in such a selfish era!
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Photo: Getty Images
Pro tip: If you’re bad at remembering things, take notes. This works for everyone, not just significant others. It may be a long time in between someone saying “I’ve always wanted to have (whatever it is)”, and you randomly walking past a shop window, just before their birthday, and seeing (whatever it is).
Reviewing those notes, and lists, can be a helpful reminder, if you’re starting to discover senility creeping up on you. 😉