Embed from Getty Images
—
I haven’t been very open as of late.
I’ve plateau’d the hell out of my writing. I sort of feel as a once person that would write his heart as he learned, I’ve changed into someone that writes what I’ve already learned. I’ve been playing it safe for several months, writing what I know, and not challenging what I don’t know.
The #metoo movement has given me the opportunity to swiftly kick myself up the arse and change that mindset. I was challenged a few days ago, and I didn’t like it, I’ll admit, I hated it, it spawned two days of heated internal discussion. It challenged the very core of what I do and who I am.
I’m actually thankful for that discussion because I’ve emerged in a better mindset than I previously was. It’s made me realise there’s questions in my head that are always burning away that I can’t answer – yet. These are the questions that I should be putting to paper, and not the challenges that I have overcome. I’ll admit I often wonder if I come across as pretentious when I teach the world how to be, rather than to learn with me. I’ll leave you to decide that one.
Men, how can we be better?
Do you know that my wife is teaching me how to be a better person? I write about this from time to time, but If I think about it realistically she shouldn’t have to do this. It should be common knowledge already, in the year 2017. Think of that for a moment, my wife, in the year 2017, is teaching an accredited relationships writer, and person that has awards in the Mental Health sector, to treat her better.
Doesn’t that say something?
Doesn’t that point to the horrific inequality across the spectrum?
Of course, whenever I think along these lines I excuse myself and think back to my traumatic childhood, when my Dad would beat me from showing any hint of emotion, that I’ve worked through that, that I’m learning, to be better.
Maybe that’s how I excuse myself from dealing with what I see on a daily basis. I see it, I’m not oblivious to it, have I dealt with it? Probably not yet. Men, maybe it’s time to sit up and think to yourself, as I am doing, how can I ‘be’ better around women? How can we teach our Sons to feel and have empathy, and how can our daughters live in a better world? If you’re not thinking about this then you need to start thinking about it.
I know what you’re thinking now – I get it. I’ve actually fell into this trap many times, even two days ago. I was advocating for equal spaces on #metoo – in truth, I ultimately want both genders to feel empowered. In my blatant naivety though, I wasn’t thinking practically.
“What about the women who are rough on men? Women aren’t perfect, you know! There are shitty women out there” – I’ve been bullied by SO many women, and you know, you’d be right to think like that. It’s not right that women, people, get away with bullying. I hear you on that. I hear your stories and I respect them.
I’ll admit that it’s very hard to work through and undo years of systemic sexism.
|
But I’ve never had to walk down a street and think about women groping me, or women touching me, or being catcalled, or fearing for my life, or any of the crazy things that women have to deal with on a daily basis. I don’t understand it. I can’t. How can I when I’ve lived in relatively objectification safety most of my life? To suggest that there should be equal spaces I feel was quite ignorant of me and for that, and I’m sorry. Because the playing field is hugely different.
I’ve learned how to keep my hands to myself, that was an easy one I picked up when I was 14. I groped a girl I liked at school and she punched me so hard on the nose I have kept my hands to myself ever since – I was never told as a child by a warm father figure that it’s not respectable to do such a thing. Most of my lessons with women were learned the hard way, but for me, sometimes that’s the best.
I’ll be open and say that I’m currently working through minimizing my wife, that her feelings are just as adequate as mine, and yes, I still seriously fuck up sometimes and tell her to stop worrying, and she’ll pick me up on it, because her feelings are just as valid as mine. I’ll admit that it’s very hard to work through and undo years of systemic sexism.
That’s one thing I’ve never had to deal with from a woman in my life, the minimizing of my thoughts; women have always listened to me, because I know they are amazing listeners. I can hear men groan right now and say, yes, we aren’t that great at listening though, but in my opinion that’s an excuse. Because anyone can get better at anything if they put enough focus and drive into something. You weren’t good at football when you were five, but after many years of practice you became good at it. Listening is the same.
And I think it’s one area that we can collectively start working on since this #metoo campaign has kicked off. We can be better men by listening to women’s stories, soaking up that information and trying to imagine how it must feel, that how unacceptably not okay it would be if it were to happen to me, or you.
I know, I know. You aren’t one of these men that do this, you shouldn’t be held accountable for other people’s actions, I get that. It’s probably what you’re thinking right now. Or you’re insulted that I’d even suggest that we should all try to be better, when this is what you do all the time. It’s fine, this was me too. I was hugely insulted that most of my life’s work was dedicated to empowering men to be better people, and yet, there were people out there suggesting that it was men’s turn to stand up and be accountable.
It can’t be more right, though. We’ve heard it from women, we hear it on the news, in the papers, on the internet, from friends we know, but nothing changes, it all remains the same. Always.
But someone has to stand up. Someone has to say, “oi, men, we aren’t being the best we can be right now, let’s make a change,” and that can be difficult, as it was for me to hear, but it’s right. SO right. More than right. I’ve always said that change starts from within, maybe it’s time to think of ‘within’ as the collective body of men, and me, you, we, are the change.
It starts now for me, men. What about you?
—
Discuss issues like this in our Conscious Intersectionality Social Interest Group on Sundays at 9pm EST!
RSVP to join weekly calls on Conscious Intersectionality
—
The role of men is changing in the 21st century. Want to keep up?
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
—
Photo Credit: Getty Images