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Dear Dr. Jed,
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over four years and I’m noticing terrible mood shifts that are increasingly difficult to live with. He becomes extremely frustrated, irritable, angry, and depressed. I can tell that he is becoming more distant and I’m worried he’s thinking of leaving.
Whenever I try and get him to talk about his unhappiness or what I can do to make things better, it seems to make him angry and he pulls away even more. I love him very much and I know he loves me, but I feel our relationship slipping away and I don’t know what to do. Please, can you help? BL
I get calls and emails like these every day. A man is becoming irritated, angry, and depressed. The relationship is in trouble and both people are hurting. The woman wants to talk and the man reacts with anger and becomes more withdrawn.
For men, the five most off-putting words in the English language are, “Honey, we need to talk.” The words can be said with love or anger, compassion or disdain, with despair or hope. It seems no matter how they are presented, they are met with a resistance bordering on terror by most men.
“I feel caught in a horrible trap,” one woman told me. “If I let things alone and don’t say anything, our relationship continues to go downhill. “If I try and talk to him about ways we can fix things, he acts like I’m trying to kill him. He refuses to talk and our relationship continues to deteriorate. What do I do to save us?”
Why should a woman’s desire to talk be met with such resistance? The simple answer is this: While talking about their relationship usually helps a woman feel better, it usually makes a man feel worse. My wife, Carlin, and I got a glimpse into this dynamic while we were driving into town from our home on Shimmins Ridge.
The road into town has lots of curves and it was raining a bit. I hit a few of the divider bumps and Carlin put her hands on the dashboard to brace herself. I gave her a hostile look. She calls it my beady-eyed stare. And turned back to the road. Within minutes we were having a fight about some inconsequential issue that neither of us could remember.
Later we talked it through and realized that when I hit the divider bump, Carlin felt a jolt of fear. Since I’m a good driver, I knew there was no reason for her to be afraid. When she braced herself I took it as a judgment on my driving and my ability to protect her from harm. I got a jolt of shame. To protect myself from feeling ashamed I got angry, which triggered more fear in Carlin, which in turn triggers more shame in me. This all happens in microseconds and outside our conscious awareness. Many of our fights, we realized result from this cycle of shame and fear.
After more than 40 years as a marriage and family counselor, I’ve found that men, often unknowingly, trigger fear in women. And women, often unknowingly, trigger shame in men. This is nowhere truer than when we feel our relationship is in trouble. What Carlin and I found was that talking about our relationship problems actually can make things worse, rather than better.
This took us a long time to realize. We’re both counselors and make our living talking to people. We’ve encouraged couples to communicate more and communication usually means talking. But we’ve discovered there are other ways to heal a relationship that talking about it.
Our experiences are like ones that Pat Love and Steven Stosny describe in their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. They say that the real reason a woman wants to talk about the relationship “is that disconnection makes her feel anxious, and on a deeper level, isolated and afraid. The real reason the man doesn’t want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed.”
They go on to say that, “His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try and alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways—by talking and not talking—all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.”
She wants to alleviate her fear by talking. He wants to protect himself from shame by not talking. It’s no wonder that so many men and women become stressed and depressed. So, here are some things you can do to break through this impasse.
- Realize that connection is more important than communication.
We often come to believe that a good relationship requires good communication. But the most important thing we need in our relationship is connection. We want to feel understood, cared for, seen, and heard. Communication is one way in which we hope to connect.
- Words are a small part of communication.
Those who study communication suggest that at least 90% of communication is non-verbal. Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, conducted several studies on nonverbal communication. He found that 7% of any message is conveyed through words, 38% through certain vocal elements, and 55% through nonverbal elements (facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc).
- Understanding male shame helps men and women have greater compassion.
One of the most important communication tools men can use is acknowledging that we’re experiencing a “jolt of shame.” Male shame is rarely acknowledged or talked about it. For years I felt shame, but never knew what I was feeling. Once I knew, I often felt ashamed that I felt ashamed. It was very freeing for me to acknowledge I was feeling shame. That allowed Carlin to know when something she was doing was triggering shame in me.
- Understanding female fear helps men and women create a safe harbor for resolving problems.
Women seem to be better able to acknowledge their “jolts of fear” than men are able to acknowledge their “jolts of shame.” When I was triggered by shame it was difficult for me to see how I was triggering fear in Carlin. It helped when I realized that I could accept and acknowledge her fear without blaming myself for causing it.
- Once our shame and fears are quieted, we feel more comfortable talking.
We often assume that men “don’t want to communicate” about difficult issues. What we really mean is that men don’t want to talk. Even though women are generally better at verbal communication than men are, men will often open up and talk when they feel safe and they don’t feel criticized or blamed.
- There are many ways men and women can increase their connection and work through relationship problems without talking about them. Here are a few Carlin and I use.
- When we feel disconnected, we take turns touching each other. I like my head rubbed and she enjoys having her feet massaged.
- Walking together and enjoying nature can be healing.
- Having a meal and spending the first half in silent appreciation can be helpful.
- Writing about a relationship problem and how we feel often brings new insights and resolutions, without talking.
- We imagine that we are taking a problem and throwing it off an imaginary bridge. It’s a wonderful exercise and often allows us to release a problem quickly and easily.
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Previously published on Men Alive.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
Jed, thanks for your ongoing contribution to healing the male subculture and the damage which it has been causing through painful writhing. Accepting all our feelings, including fear, guilt, shame is part of emotional balance. As you have pointed out in your article we males have been conditioned to fear rather than let our feelings guide us. Speaking to each other, our mates and our ‘conditioned selves’ is an important skill. thanks again
Hi Jed, Thank you for a thought-provoking piece. I would like to add a little extra spice to it with the following extension: “We often assume that men “don’t want to communicate” about difficult issues. What we really mean is that men don’t want to talk” My experience, and my opinion is that men don’t want to talk, mainly because they feel they aren’t being listened to. When they hear the words “We need to talk.” there’s already been a division of roles on who does the talking and who is supposed to be listening. When we assume women to… Read more »
Hi Flyingkal You do not agree with Jed and have another experience. My guess is that Swedish men do not grow up in shame culture and if the wife of girlfriend wants to talk ,he does not withdraw because of the feelings of shame the conversation might trigger in him. I have never said to a husband or a boyfriend “we need to talk”. My husband often said I was the one to leave if he tried to talk….. And it is true. I don’t know why,but his was constantly complaining about sex and I did not want to reveal… Read more »
Hi Jed Diamond I know what I say here will sound disrespectful but this article is problematic on so many levels. Compassion and love expressed in more ways than words are important ,I am sure we all can agree on that.BUT here I think women are told to love their man like we do our family pet. Give them hugs,rub their head,give good food and long walks in the woods. Unfortunalty animals usually give more love back than humans when treated well. This article give advice that if we are kind,nice and empatic and never give voice to our pain,longing… Read more »
Yeah, I guess if you are prone to treat your partner as a pet, I wouldn’t be surprised if he either ended up behaving like one, or revolting at you treatment.
I think you’ll be hard pressed to find a dog with the ability to give you a foot massage, though.
Flyingkal
I do not understand your comment.
Iben, How could a man tell you what he longs for and misses in a relationship, if his mouth was shut because he was afraid to trigger feelings of fear or even shame in you when you realised he didn’t see you as perfect? The article tells us it should be reciprocal. “we take turns touching each other. I like my head rubbed and she enjoys having her feet massaged. Walking together and enjoying nature can be healing. Having a meal and spending the first half in silent appreciation can be helpful.” They are giving each other massage, they walk… Read more »
Flyingkal ,yes you are right .
My reading this was an example of selective perseption :).
But listen to this if you have time. 17 minutes.
What do you think about what he says here
“the emotions of love comes from the anticipation of pleasure”.
Is this correct?
Flyingkal I forgot the video
http://www.pairs.com it is short but I wonder if this is right?
Can we create feelings of love?
Hi,
My browser don’t want to play the video right now, I’ll see if I can correct it.
In the meantime, the statement “the emotions of love comes from the anticipation of pleasure” could probably be right under some conditions. I guess it depends on your current situation and circumstances.
Why not have a balance of both conversation to give voice to issues and non verbal healing? Men and women should be sensitive to shame and fear of the other but should also strong enough to work through that shake and fear individually. Being fearful is not a direct dig on your partners character or personality, it’s a natural response. A simple “did that scare you” “I’m sorry” and a good laugh could remedy that. If the fear goes deeper than something that can be brushed off then doesn’t that warrant a conversation. Not a conversation to blame place but… Read more »
Add guilt to shame, and you get a fuller picture. Quite often, the “we need to talk” alert precedes a discussion about something we know is true. Maybe it’s neglecting her, in the midst of a maelstrom of things that leave us overworked, over-stressed, and over-tired. No excuse, right? Talking about it only serves to highlight how lame we’ll sound for pointing out how much we’ve been killing ourselves. It’ll come out sounding like exactly what it is, perhaps. That we’ve lowered the priority on giving our partner attention, in favor of trying to hold the rest of the world… Read more »
Anthony,
Also add in the fact that the “we need to talk” phrase most often includes a clear division of roles in who’s expected to talk and who’s expected to shut up and listen to not make matters worse…
FlyingKal, I tend to disagree, “WE need to talk” doesn’t include clear division of who is expected to talk and who should shut up and listen. In a healthy relationship, dialogue is needed. I want my partners input and perspective, perhaps there is something I can’t see that I NEED him to bring light to because only he can. No conversation is worthwhile if there’s no diouloge. If we’re talking about something that we both very clearly know is and issue and there may be a dynamic where one is expressing and the other has to bear the truth so… Read more »
Love this article, Jed!
“She wants to alleviate her fear by talking. He wants to protect himself from shame by not talking. ”
This says so much in so few words.
Thanks.
Steve, Glad it resonated with you. Thanks for the comments.