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As both a single woman and Dating Coach, who decidedly didn’t date during election season, I am constantly trying to understand and process repeated new challenges when it comes to Modern Dating.
Naively, I thought that it would get better once the election was over, and perhaps it would have been if the election itself hadn’t turned out to be an “Us versus Them” world now. I firmly believe that had any of the other 16 Republican candidates won, it wouldn’t have affected dating or most of our other social conventions. However, the character of our 45th president has brought the ugliness of peoples heart out into the open. Today’s republican is a different hybrid than the ones we had prior to 2015.
We live in Trump’s America now and it’s a new world many of us don’t recognize. It feels as if its affected most of our social conventions, especially as we try to figure out why people we love and respect voted the way they did.
The legacy I want to leave when I die, the impression I want to leave on anyone I meet, is that I am committed to loving people and making our world a more kind, accepting and loving place. I’m also the adoptive mother of black teenagers, one of whom is gay and another who is special needs, a lot of the unhinged hate speech of the president feels personal.
Therefore, I can’t sit quietly about the fact that the character of our president and many of today’s republicans are not committed to the same values I pride myself on. I admit I foolishly believed these were the values of humanity most everyone lived by.
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Ever the armchair sociologist, I needed to hack into dating in this new world. For Liberals and Progressive, the open hate is loud and proud, even when we cover our ears. The dilemma becomes, how do we trust any Trump-supporter-would-be date isn’t either silently or openly, the same way?
I started asking on my social media platforms what singles were currently doing about dating and politics? I found many were stuck in a holding pattern until they could figure out a new way. Both men and women said they have started asking before accepting a date. Some said they were having issues with their current significant others, stating even if their views were similar but their passion about resisting were different, that it was affecting their relationship.
In the past, it was easier to date across party lines unless you were in politics.
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I toyed around with different ways to approach it. Should it be my first question when someone contacted me online be, “Finish this sentence: Trump is_____________?” I also thought about putting it in the profile itself, but I knew it could likely garnish hate mail, even if I worded it kindly like, “Defending love and progressive views ethically honors my core being.”
I decided to try something else. I chose a popular online dating site I never use, and instead stating my political views in the profile itself, I created a statement with my username,“NoKiss4TrumpFans.”
I kept the new profile up for 36 hours. I got 209 men who “want to meet you” which is based solely on photo alone, and does not include the username. As predicted, I got the usual 30 messages with 5 words or less. Another 10 had up to eight words, plus a dozen or so were two whole sentences, lucky me! There were about 10 sincere messages in the bunch who actually wrote a full paragraph, but as I feared I got about a dozen hateful messages.
One man spewed the word “Liberal” to me multiple times as if he were calling a bad name. Another told me to put a bag over my head and hang myself. You can see from the screenshots here some of the nicer hateful messages I received. However, there were a few that were so vile I had to immediately block them.
I wondered why so many of those that sent negative messages felt the need to do so. Why not move on to the next? After deleting my profile, I used my handsome best friends’ picture (with his permission) to set up a male username “NoKiss4TrumpLovers.” I left this profile up for a full week and never received a similarly hateful message from a woman. Let’s remember that 53-61% of white women voted for Trump depending on their education. Therefore statistically, female Trump supporters passed by the almost exact username without feeling the need to bash him.
I don’t have understand why these men felt inclined to send me hateful messages. They were perhaps feeling emboldened within their white male privilege and by example of their President, to express their misogynistic views to a woman they would never know. Or maybe they were only emboldened simply because they could hide behind their keyboard.
Regardless, the truth is dating just got a whole lot trickier. It might be easy to think that is simply my own opinion, but we are already seeing some statistics in dating among Liberals.
Match.com noticed a decline in activity this January, which is generally the busiest month of all for online dating sites. They did an informal poll of 1700 users with approximately half being republicans, half democrats, half men and half women. They found 29% of liberals just didn’t feel like dating, compared to only 14% of conservatives. Additionally, they found that users in counties who voted for Trump were more active on their site than counties where Clinton won the popular vote.
Okcupid.com, who has always been the best at continuously gathering data and sharing it with the public, chimed in two weeks ago with their own broader findings surveying 270,000 participants. They did note that their site has traditionally been populated by more Liberals. However, their cheeky headline read “In 2017, Trump Is a Major Dating Deal Breaker. Golden Showers Are Not.”
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In the past, it was easier to date across party lines unless you were in politics. However, the everyday activities of the President didn’t infiltrate our day to day life like that of the antics of our current administration who make news from hour to hour. Since the election, talking to a potential date, I ask how they feel about Trump before I go further, the resistance to answer is immediate with conservatives. The Liberal, on the other hand, are happy to say how they feel because it’s important for them to know how I feel, too.
If they tell me they support Trump, I sincerely ask them to tell me why. I have found a lot of conservatives are quick to tell me they are “socially liberal but fiscally conservative.” This doesn’t hold water for me because anyone who is genuinely socially liberal couldn’t overlook the rampant misogyny, racism, zenophobia and homophobia of this President, nor be okay with his virtually all-white, alt-right cabinet members.
Obviously, I just won’t invite anyone like that into my personal life.
So, what do we do about dating in Trump’s America? Do we wait for love until he’s impeached or voted out of office? Do we hope that all Conservatives find out about TrumpSingles.com (yes, really!) and live in misery together? Do we automatically cut out all conservatives without ever giving them a shot? Should try to overlook political leanings and think it doesn’t matter in a mate?
None of those situations appeal to me and besides, we can’t give up on love! One friend did have a good idea worth mentioning…He said to get active in the resistance movement to find love. You never know, just maybe you’ll find yourself making posters or marching alongside the next great love of your life.
There is that…or we can always join MapleMatch.com where our neighborly Canadians are encouraged to find love with an American who wants to flee Trump’s America. To quote my 12 year old when faced with the impossible, “It can happen…Donald Trump is President of the United States!”
#WeRageForLove
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
I don’t have understand why these men felt inclined to send me hateful messages. They were perhaps feeling emboldened within their white male privilege and by example of their President, to express their misogynistic views to a woman they would never know. Or maybe they were only emboldened simply because they could hide behind their keyboard. This to me sounds like an assumed or assigned motive. I know you are “perhaps” but this comes up quite a bit these days. Has anyone ever considered any other motive? I’m being serious. Let’s not forget that for about the last year leading… Read more »
Nah. That’s really just how many, many American males (wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the majority) treat women. An uncivilized, misogynistic bunch.
Interesting. Perhaps you’re new here but I’ve noticed a lot of comments from you and none of them really don’t offer anything other than just calling men misogynists. You are probably the type of person that just assumes men are inherently bad.
Damn shame.
You are the problem and a terrible coach.– really you think you are loving??? This line alone says it all..”because anyone who is genuinely socially liberal COULDN’T bla bla bla. The entire premise is intolerant and judgemental. People are allowed to disagree and still like each other. For you that is not the case and that is your problem. You are part of those people on both sides of the issue who “hates” and stereotypes people with whom you disagree. I met a man who hates Trump, I don’t understand the hate and tend to defend him because I think… Read more »
An entire essay bashing men while complaining about being a victim of bashing. It’s been so normalized, to freely and openly bash, besmirch, attack, and marginalize men that I’m guessing the writer does not even see it. Hell, we guys are so used to it its sort of, ho-hum. really. Does not even raise an eyebrow anymore, even here, on this site that claims to be here in support of men. Honestly? I could write an entire thesis on what I’ve just read, but why? If you see it, no words are necessary; you don’t, than no amount of words… Read more »
It’s always amazing when American males admit they are basically all misogynists (or misogyny apologists). She bashs some misogynists, yet she is “bashing men”. Speaks for itself. Thank you so much.
Hi,
Regarding your male “Nokiss4TrumpFans”:
“Therefore statistically, female Trump supporters passed by the almost exact username without feeling the need to bash him.”
I take it that you as your female self got less than 10% political bashing in your answer (“about a dozen” out of >200).
So I’m just curious, did your male “counterpart” receive enough messages to break it down in fractions to begin with?
(Not that I’m a Trump supporter, but I’m acutely aware of the common male-to-female response ratio on dating sites…)
My father voted republican and my mother voted democrat; but she was NOT an emotionally unstable, left-wing feminist. And she would never march in a “women’s rights” parade that was led by a convicted Palestinian terrorist who advocates Sharia Law…or wear a vulgar, pink, “pussy hat,” ever! The problem is NOT that the country has changed. The problem is that the left-wing fanatics have hijacked the democratic party and driven it off into extremist territory, stirring up hate, violence, and opposition to free speech in the process. Who is spewing hate? Who is actually doing violent acts at nearly all… Read more »
Haha, even cute hats can be “vulgar” to the sensitive conservatives now.
That’s really cute considering a hat saying “make bitcoin great again” was enough to cause a lefty moron to assault someone. A woman, even.
“Ever the armchair sociologist, I needed to hack into dating in this new world. For Liberals and Progressive, the open hate is loud and proud, even when we cover our ears. The dilemma becomes, how do we trust any Trump-supporter-would-be date isn’t either silently or openly, the same way?”
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Here’s a quick armchair sociology experiment for you, my fellow prog:
Go to Salon.com, and spend a week reading the comments.
Then come back and tell us how the progs are the white hats, and the conservatives the black hats in this difficult time.
Pete…I don’t believe I said that Liberals wouldn’t be difficult back. (Although I am of the opinion that progressives are a little more kind) but the point is that the two just can’t mix. Or date.
Your “opinion” is just the human quirk of having biases based on your preferences. Do the work of an armchair sociologist that I recommend and you’ll see real quickly just how unkind lefties are these days. A whole lot of ’em don’t have a kind bone in their bodies. As for the idea of dating and mating: One of the most important filters is typically dating those who share your core values. I’ve seen plenty of profiles on OKCupid in the NY area where the person says that if you’re a Republican, don’t bother writing at all. That’s not mean,… Read more »
“Although I am of the opinion that progressives are a little more kind”
Try disagreeing with them first.
Doesn’t this just make it easier to avoid bad boyfriends?
Worthy article though and sorry about your country.
That’s a great point David! I gather you’re not American…I know we are the laughing stock of the world these days!
Yes David. Excellent point. I find I don’t even have to bring those things up lately. Today, people are happy to tell you all their hateful views while begging you to love and accept them for it. I have been lucky to avoid certain people off the bat. Trump certainly has emboldened a more antagonistic culture where people want the freedom to say disrespectful things while demanding respect.
Try the experiment again with a pro-Trump message, then come back to me about liberal “love and tolerance”
The experiment is an interesting idea. I might do it although I tend to think I would have a different experience. Not saying Liberals wouldn’t reach out but I’m afraid if I used to the same Kiss thing I could get over specialized messages. But hey, I’m always up for a learning experience and to be proven wrong.
Eh. Lefties tend to spew their own special kind of hate. Now that they’re getting it in return, they’re being sullen.