I purchased a book back in my freshmen year of college after seeing no dating success in high school. There were too many beautiful girls on campus. I was desperate to know why certain seemingly mediocre guys are so magnetic to women. What were they doing right? Why did women really want? Even though I considered myself a handsome young man, what I did clearly wasn’t working. Hence, the start of my journey into Googling and Youtubing alpha male strategies.
More than a decade later, I’ve learned that dating advice damages relationships a lot more than people realize.Here’s why.
It sets the tone for a relationship
When you play hard to get right off the bat, the relationship starts as a chase and guess game. It then becomes less about two people feeling each other out to see if they’re compatible, but turns into a chess match to see who wins.
Unless you’re dating someone way beneath you or has low self-esteem, they’ll reciprocate your behaviors accordingly. You keep them on the bench. They’ll find more options to protect themselves from you. You try to test the other person. They’ll test you back. You employ the hot and cold strategy. They’ll pull back eventually, too. You keep your life hidden. They won’t share theirs. You receive what you give out. Your fun and games will meet their karma. And it’s exactly why so many people today find dating exhausting.
You lack self-confidence
Aside from wanting to understand females more, I started studying dating advice because I lacked confidence. I wanted authorities in this field to reassure the things I did right and guide me through the thing I did wrong. I trusted that somebody else knew the secret to me being my most charismatic self more than myself. But nobody does. The people who entertain dating techniques the most are the ones who don’t feel adequate for their partners.
They could teach me a funny pick-up line, but they don’t know my sense of humor. They try to define what a “man” is without knowing what type of man I am. I’ve tried being the not-give-a-fuck-bad-boy for a few years. In the end, regardless of how appealing this image is to most women, it’s not me. The best version of myself is up to me to figure out. And that’s the most attractive me I can ever be to the opposite sex — an authentic yet proud me.
If your goal is to gain superficial attention or have one-night stands for the rest of your life, some of these dating techniques can be useful. To attract a compatible, high-quality partner, though, worshipping these dating rules indicates you don’t believe your authentic self is worthy of love deep down.
Practical advice can be limiting
Gurus might teach you how to walk and talk. How to set boundaries. What you should and shouldn’t accept. If you seriously apply their words, you merely become a high-standard robot. Your root — your level of self-worth deep down won’t be altered by a 5-minute relationship article or even a 300-page love book. They can provide an idea of what a high-value person should look like, but your version of being high-value might look very different. Not everybody needs to become a fiercely independent woman, an outspoken man, or a social butterfly.
As much as they emphasize self-love, no one can really teach it. You’ll have to find it through experience and reflection.
One-size-fit-all formula
No matter what these experts teach about men and women, very few things are universal. Not every girl will love a bad boy. Irresponsible men turn some off. Most guys like independent girls. Yet some seek women who revolve around them 24/7.
As for yourself, you aren’t exactly the target audience of their book. You might not be a 40-year-old divorced mother returning to the dating scene. Their “rules” don’t apply to you the same way. Dating advice is usually written to boost the self-esteem of a meek or anti-social person with limited dating experience. That’s not you! They make exaggerated assumptions about what you should or shouldn’t do without knowing your circumstances. Without knowing who you are and who you’re dating. Every person is different.
You take the real fun out of dating by making it inorganic
I recently read an article where someone said dating is a skill. It’s not false. It’s just that when you view it that way, you start to manipulate interactions and relationships to get the result you want, which can actually be counterproductive in human interactions. Social skills differ from carpeting skills, in the sense that it requires spontaneity. Skills prevent that — it’s planned. There’s an expectation for an outcome. You compliment someone’s outfit on impressing them instead of doing it out of genuine appreciation for their style.
When there are many techniques, strategies, and skills in romance, everything becomes more transactional and calculated, driving you further away from real connection.
It gets old
It’s called a technique because it’s manually applied. It’s not your second nature. You eventually tire of waiting for hours to text back, especially further into the relationship. You will slip one day. They will see you for who you really are.
How much should you trust relationship advice?
Dating advice can provide common knowledge about the dating scene and insights into the minds of both genders. However, it should only be used with caution. A book isn’t a dating coach who’s guiding you through a specific scenario. Most of all, if you have to rely too much on techniques, it means you still need to work on yourself. No amount of mind games will be enough for you to attract a high-quality person if you don’t have your shit together.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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