I remember reading this few years ago and feeling instant recognition and knowing that my marriage had unraveled due to a lack of trust never established. Suddenly understanding, with these words, why I never fully invested in the relationship.
Today, these same words were again, laid upon my path, casting a new, different awareness in their wake.
I have felt an “unraveling” of late, but not fully understanding why.
As I looked at these words closer, I realized, although, I am no longer experiencing the unraveling of a marriage between two partners, I am undoubtedly experiencing the unraveling of the marriage within myself.
The marriage between my body and my soul.
A marriage of trust between my truth and the life I am living.
Have I been holding that fundamental bond of trust with and within myself? Was I investing in my truth and trust for the life I was living?
The answer was plain and simply, no.
I have been unraveling in my marriage to myself, simply because I have not been trusting myself.
I have been looking to others to find trust. Looking to others for validation, for guidance, for direction instead of looking within myself at my own personal truth.
I have been participating in an insidious, deceitful affair with the world’s opinions instead of honoring my marriage to my soul.
I have been committing adultery against myself.
As I sit with this revelation, I realize how easy I am able to acknowledge this truth about myself, as well as how hard I am fighting to accept it.
For me, acknowledgment is easy. It is quite logical and extremely practical, the most pragmatic part of facing a truth.
I find it is rather easy to say the words –
“Yes, I cheated on you, on us. I am having a really hard time trusting myself, trusting us in this marriage. I tried to not care about the world’s opinions I have fallen in love with, am having an adulterous affair with, but, it happened. I am sorry. I will try to be harder.”
Acknowledgement of the truth…no problem.
But then, there is acceptance and accountability of this truth.
If I say those simple words to myself, and truly mean them, I am also forced to act of them, right? I mean that is what one would do if an actual adulterous relationship had occurred. There would be an apology, an “I will never do it again,” a please let me try to fix this. The whole basis of two-part forgiveness.
I am finding acknowledging this truth about myself a piece of cake. However, I find it a whole other ballgame to accept this truth about myself. To accept I am unraveling simply because I am not trusting myself. To accept the vulnerability exposed within this. To accept I am living with and believing I am not strong enough or healed enough or worthy enough to trust the truth of myself. To accept I am an adulterer within the marriage of myself.
Accepting is action. And without action, there are only words. I find words safe. Action, on the other hand, very scary.
But, just like in life, to save a marriage, you gotta do what you gotta do. If I genuinely want to save this marriage within myself, and I do, action is an essential requirement as trust is a non negotiable for me.
So, with a deep breath, I dive deep down into the well of my being. Pacing back and forth across the damp floor, renewing my marital vow with myself after this infidelity, cultivating new truth, fine tuning the process of becoming one with myself, in effort to generate a deeper, more meaningful bond of trust in my marriage to myself.
I open my heart with compassion, to rawness and exposure, while I search for what exactly it is I must do to earn back my trust.
As I find this trust, a new vow is written on my heart…
From this day forward, I promise myself to —
- Honor my ability to love and be loved. Make myself my number one priority. Give myself my full attention at all times. Fill and drink from my own cup.
- Allow myself to be a work in progress and open to change. Always choosing love over fear.
- Fulfill my personal obligation to truth and honesty. No more lying, gas lighting, hiding parts of the truth, holding back or holding out on myself.
- Respect my relentless stubbornness to try again. Never giving up or giving in, but forgiving and extending the grace of another chance to myself.
- Bravely admit my guilt, apologize and ask myself for forgiveness.
- Release any sense of entitlement for invalid excuses for what I have chosen. Cheating my myself, my soul, was a choice. I own it as such.
- Be open to asking and answering questions about myself whether or not they make me uncomfortable.
- Utilize patience and compassion with and for myself as my journey continues. Never placing a time limit on my healing or unfairly judging my progress. Finding gratitude in each step, whether it is forward or backward.
- Show up for myself and listen to my instincts, no longer accepting selling out, waiting, or settling as an option.
– Until death do us part.
Trust: the fundamental bond in a marriage, especially a marriage within your own soul.