Laura Bailey is a very funny and very talented comedian and improviser (among other things) in Toronto.
- If you must leave the next morning in none of your own clothes, and everything that is giant sweatpants, shoes that weren’t made for your gender, and an oversized t-shirt that says “Cock Mobster,” in Chinatown you will look utterly unremarkable.
- There is no fucking coffee in Chinatown.
- If you leave the building to find yourself in the heart of Gay Town, in the middle of the Pride Parade, take it as a compliment and move on.
- If you fall off the bed and spend upwards of 7 minutes laughing on the floor, and he doesn’t get it, he’s not worth it, ladies.
- If you’re going to play host, and you have a roommate, try not to leave the handcuffs on the kitchen floor. If this happens quickly throw a tea towel on it, pick it up, and throw it in the laundry bin. Your soup du jour will happily distract your roommate with a crazy argument about why the world needs nerve gas.
- If you wake up in a Northern Toronto Jewish mansion, that fluffy white cat is actually a dog. Also, his mother wants you gone immediately.
- The perfect time to take the morning after pill is during the improv rehearsal your hungover skank ass is coaching. Expounding on the finer points of “living in the moment” whilst dropping a grenade in your uterus will make you feel totally badass. It is the exact opposite of the feeling you had when telling them about the time you pooped your pants on stage.
- Your prima nocta is not the time for anyone to be busting out a sleeping mask. TRUTH.
- If you have to go to work the next day in your date clothes, just tell everyone that you’ve “been going through a rough patch and wanted to feel like a woman again.” This will explain not only why you’ve looked like hell for months, but also why you suddenly look like a slut.
- You will never regret using a condom. That cappuccino frother you received as an apology gift will not take away your milky discharge.
You know this territory very well indeed, missy! Also, do not feel the least bit guilty if you meet their pissed off dorm room-mate who had to sleep elsewhere. It was worth it, right? This brings back many memories of my bad TO days, now long gone.
Everybody has a skeleton or two in their closet, no? 🙂