I could write this as an open letter, but there are already enough of those telling you what you should do differently.
–
Let’s write each other some closed letters instead. Write down what we really feel, seal it up and send it. This one, though, is a love letter; a thank you note. I have learned so much from you, from those of you I have loved, those of you I do love, those of you I will love.
I’ve learned that being a man can’t be summed up in a bulleted internet list any more than being a woman can.
I’ve learned that being a man is different, and not just because you have more body hair and a penis. I’ve learned that it’s hard for you, in ways I’ll never totally understand.
I’ve learned that the world thinks you are both a villain and a hero, and that there’s no in between for you (even if inside you feel like something different altogether).
I’ve learned that “tough guy” is something you’re taught early, that you aren’t always given another option, even though it hurts when your heart gets broken and tear ducts are part of being human, not just female.
I’ve learned that half the world thinks you’re a potential rapist and the other half thinks you’re an idiot—but I know the truth.
I’ve learned that violence isn’t relegated to the Y chromosome. Hatred is part of our legacy as humans, and you want to change it as much as I do. I don’t look at you across a dark parking lot and wonder if you’ll rape me. I look at you and see a man, a human, a person. I see you, and not the actions of people who think that strength is derived from damaging others, who twist up sex and power together and use it as a weapon to keep from feeling.
And no matter how many sitcoms they make full of bumbling idiots, I celebrate Einstein, I celebrate Edison, I celebrate the many men whose minds have blown mine wide open. Because I’ve learned that being a man means fighting those stereotypes, and rising above them. I’ve learned that there are as many ways for you to be brilliant as there are drops in the ocean, and listening to you talk about your ideas fascinates me.
I’ve also learned that silence is powerful. I’ve learned that working side by side in the quiet can ground me, heal me, in ways that hours of therapy can’t. All those open letters telling you how to talk to women better? Maybe we could take some time learning how to listen to your quiet, how to learn from being with you instead of throwing words at every problem.
I’ve learned that you are great at fixing things. That it makes you happy. That what makes you feel joy is to fix someone else’s problem. And for all the trouble it’s caused you trying to help us when what we wanted was to vent, I’m sorry. Because to find your joy in helping someone else is one of the most beautiful things I can think of. I want to learn to let you help me.
I’ve learned that your strength isn’t measured in pounds lifted, or punches thrown, but of the times you restrain yourself and temper that force with precision. Strength is when instead of throwing your weight around, you hold back. You don’t need to have the last word. (That’s what being a bigger man is, anyways.)
I’ve learned that ten minutes of quietly making love sometimes cuts through more bullshit than two hours of talking.
I’ve learned that you feel awkward inside your body too, but no one lets you talk about it. (It’s okay. We all do. We’re all 14 years old on the inside, and trying to learn how to dance.)
And I can love you even if something silly makes you cry, even if you don’t think you’re strong enough, even if you feel like a failure. (I wonder can you love me even if sometimes I’m too aggressive, if sometimes I’m too opinionated, if sometimes I’m too much?)
And I have learned from you that even this does not define you. That you, and I, are limitless. We can’t fit on this page. We aren’t done writing yet. And I can’t wait to see what I will learn from you next.
Because of all of this, and so much more, thank you. You are already a good man.
Thank you for the wonderful article. After all these articles implying our imperfections (“How to get the girl”, “How to do parenting”, “How to treat a woman right”), it’s nice to see someone who acknowledges that men can be good people too.
I want to be the best man I can be, for myself, for my family and most importantly, for my nieces. Your article has inspired me to be a better man much more than any nagging woman ever have.
Thank You so much, You dont know how much this means, I am a man, I’m 5’3” unfortunatly, although I have a goodlooking face (ive been told), the other day, I was hanging out with 2 females friends, and one of them just got a boyfriend, and the other one just asked: “is he taller than you?” and she said:”yes, taller than me with my high heels on” and the other replied: “good, as long as the man is taller than you, its all good” You don’t know how bad I felt, I have heard it a lot, I thought… Read more »
The scenario you described is easy enough to see: your female friends are being very rude and insensitive in your presence. If I were to be in the presence of a male and female friend, I wouldn’t say something to him like, “Are her boobs massive? That’s good, we like women with massive boobs.” You have let your friends’ insensitivity affect you, when that shouldn’t have been the case. These friends of yours are rubbish friends and they have no consideration of you. Stay away from toxic people. You need to be around those who appreciate you and your positive… Read more »
Thank you so deeply for these acknowledgements. I so needed to grow up—and just as surely since—with these messages affirming my truth. Primarily hearing instead societal drumbeats of pain inflicted and danger embodied by masculine energy, I came to feel that no matter what more innocent or positive truth within that I honestly found, I couldn’t really allow or share that as confident self-knowing for two reasons: First, it would soomehow dishonor the suffering which is caused by men; and secondly, so many ceaseless messages reinforced the idea of pain and danger that I doubted my own authority to know… Read more »
Thanks :'( A dear female friend told me I was a good man, while I was accounting her by texting that I was being trashed by my ex, just after I took a flight and traveled back for 3000 miles, helping her moving all her stuff down to south from Pennsylvania to Central Mexico. I went into tears after reading your article. I didn’t understand very well what I made wrong for my ex not wanting to be with me anymore. My friend told me I was not wrong at all, I made everything I was capable of (even more),… Read more »
thank you thank you thank you
Thank you for this
Thank you, that is so beautiful…and true of many men I am sure, but reading it I saw my husband and my Dad and my brother and reading it made me cry.
Thank you very much for this.
And thank you even more for being a woman who is looking to meet us half way 🙂
I love this and agree with every sentiment you’ve expressed. It’s nice to see other women who don’t bash men. Kudos and thank you! I’m sharing with everyone I know 🙂
OMG Thank you, for looking inside and seeing the man, struggling with the stero type of how we should be, I am trully honored to have had the chance to read what is written in your heart, thank you for sharing. I am sure if more men could read what you have written and if more people could read int with the love that you have, there will be less suicides around the world. Thank you……
Every Men & Women has power to change their life with richness of love and happiness, everyone has gone through childhood we all where having innocent hearts and great thinking but by time and situation we change our life.
None of these characteristics are exclusive to men, all of them are generalizations and none of them are backed up with fact. I’m more than a little offended by the author saying she’s not afraid of being raped because guys are soooo great, and that it’s insensitive of women to assume that a certain guy could rape them. Women are afraid of being raped by men because men in the world rape women almost every minute of every day, it’s a very real threat all the time and can be done by anyone. This is more of a poorly veiled… Read more »
You are right: rape is a crime committed all too often. But the fact is, the vast majority of men will never rape anyone. In truth, a good number of them will defend women from the men who do (in some cases, women they don’t even know) or from other evils in the world. The sentiment of the piece (while apparently not be written to your specifications) is to appreciate men as humans — not heroes and not villians — that while some are horrible, most are amazing. As a woman, I don’t want men to look at me and… Read more »
Bravo to this reply, Dee. 🙂
Ironically YOUR genalised hatred and villifying is what this article tries to differ from. Sadly the continuously repeated mantra of how evil _all_ men are and how dangerous the world is, risks to become a self fullfilling prophecy, where women nor men benefit from.
Any feminism that’s truly about equality and making the world better for all, can gain from this piece, advocating understanding and breaking gender roles / generalisations on all sides, no threat.
Dear Emily, I can see that you are hurt, so I will refrain from deriding you for your sexist comments. If you think this is an attack on feminism, I think you should heed your own advice and think about your definition of feminism. Women are very quick to point out that true feminism does not seek to put men down for gains for women, and here you are proving otherwise. You are entitled to your opinions of course, but as much as men cannot tell women that they deserve to get raped because they have dressed a certain way,… Read more »
Attitudes like this are why this article needed to be written. People get raped daily. It’s an awful thing. Men get raped—by both men and women. And if you don’t believe that, here you go: http://www.cnn.com/2013/10/09/living/chris-brown-female-on-male-rape/ http://www.vocativ.com/10-2013/hard-truth-girl-guy-rape/ http://www.policymic.com/articles/33593/canadian-man-sexually-assaulted-by-four-women-showing-rape-goes-both-ways For the sake of time and space, I only grabbed a few articles, but this is a real problem that many people choose to believe doesn’t exist. Aside from that, you don’t like my prose—fine, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. I wrote the article because I was tired of seeing so many articles about how men could be… Read more »
“I wrote the article because I was tired of seeing so many articles about how men could be “doing it better,” which turns feminism into something far different than it should be. The point of feminism isn’t to make men into women, or women into men, or get men to do things the way women need. It’s about equality. It’s about acknowledging that all human beings, regardless of their gender, are of equal value. Yet, the party line is often the opposite. I felt saddened and a bit disgusted at the fact that the paradigm even within “enlightened” conversations about… Read more »
Thank you.
I also teared up at this, and just want to thank you so much for writing it. A lot of what you discuss here (and your positive, nuanced, growing-together tone more than anything) is very much missing at the national gendered-dialogue level – and it was a pleasure to find someone finally espousing it. I want to write more in response (and hopefully will have a chance to do so shortly), but this topic has me too thoughtful to just spit it all out (without further thought/analysis) and I have to leave for work :). But thank you so much… Read more »
I read this hours after it was posted, and I cried. I’ve cried every time I’ve read it since then, with joy and relief. I’m a man, and a man is part of who I am. I can’t change that. So often, it feels like being a man is either an overwhelming load to carry, or a mark of evil. I don’t want either one. It means so much to me, more than I know how to say, that someone can value and affirm this part of me. Thank you, and blessed be.
Thanks for reading it, Chase!
i want to print this off and offer it to my husband.
beautiful and spot on.
thank you.
This article is a real breath of fresh air.
Sometimes you just need to step back and say it: You are valued. That’s all it takes.
This article is so nice, it says it twice.
Thank you.
I think men are fabulous! I’m surrounded by men in my life, from my husband, 3 sons, my father (now deceased) 4 brothers, 4 brother in laws, and 2 nephews. And I guess I’m lucky because the women I hang with think that men are fabulous too! None of us are perfect. I strive to accept myself as ‘fallible and imperfect’ (Albert Ellis) and the more I accept myself as I am, the easier it is for me to accept others as they are.
Kate Bartolotta:
With these kind, uplifting words
Hearts rest in your hands.
OK, I admit it; I ripped off the masculinity haiku deal, but it was something I had to do. Thank you for your insight and for caring enough to write something like this.
My life is better for reading this article today. Thank you again.
Wow…. I swore I wouldnt visit this website again, now I am glad I did. Just wow!
Kate, thanks for showing that to understand and love the other gender is to love and understand that part of ourselves that we disown and withhold love from. It is the tender, receptive sides of ourselves that men fear and disown. It is the assertive, overly practical side of men that women shun in their own lives. By opening our hearts to the “other” we learn to love the same within ourselves and begin to reclaim our integrity. The more the stereotyping, the more the denial of parts of ourselves. Your words, “like ten minutes of quietly making love”, cut… Read more »
Great article Kate. Yes, men are great.
AMEN I first began coming to this site because I enjoyed the fresh perspective and the insight it gave me in my most serious role of mother to a young son, I couldn’t get enough. Recently, I had been visiting it less and less as it had become a negative place where people came to bash one another. I also began to feel like an intruder and was embarrassed by comments left by other women. Thank you for putting words to my thoughts, thank you for letting men know that there are those of us women who truly do love… Read more »
I was reading this until “Because to find your joy in helping someone else is one of the most beautiful things I can think of. I want to learn to let you help me.”
I can’t explain it, yet, but that my breath trembled with that last breath and I shed two tears because of that, just like I used to when hearing worshop songs in church, long before my spiritual journey of emotional healing. All I can think to express is thank you.
I don’t have anything to say except
Thank You.